Emotional Distance During Niddah
The Problem
The yimei tumah are a difficult time emotionally for many women, who find that keeping the rules of niddah can cause them to feel lonely and emotionally distant from their husbands. There is evidence to suggest that many women find being niddah a painful experience that can negatively impact their emotional well-being, their relationships with their husbands, and their ability to find meaning in the mitzvah.
Addressing this problem can take a lot of work and commitment from both husband and wife, but it can be done. Below are general types of solutions, including some specific examples, that women say have worked for them.
Possible Solutions
Work On Other Methods of Fostering Closeness
This is the most obvious solution, but it can be easier said than done!
One important approach is to work on having more verbal communication. This doesn’t just mean making sure you don’t talk less than you do when you’re tehorah, but making sure you talk more. Explain to your husband that he needs to treat you with extra warmth and attention during niddah, not just to not treat you aloofly. You need more verbal expressions of warmth during this time, to make up for the lack of physical expression. Your husband might feel (correctly) that he is treating you exactly the same, and showing as much love and affection, except for not touching – but since you experience lack of touching as a lack of affection, it is important to try to compensate with even more non-physical expressions of affection.
Remember, no couple is “on” in terms of affection all the time; there will be times when you feel more neutral to each other, when each of you is focusing on his/her own concerns and not really paying attention to the other. This is normal and healthy, and probably won’t bother you at all when you’re tehorah, but it may feel like “distance” when you’re niddah. So this is a time when it’s important to act with warmth even if you’re not feeling it at that precise moment.
One aspect of this that some women find helpful is what one woman termed “the roommate schmooze.” Going to sleep alone can be a very painful part of niddah. A good way to foster emotional closeness is to lie awake and talk for a while before falling asleep. As one woman put it: “Lying in our separate beds talking in the dark late at night is very emotionally satisfying (for me). There is still a very strong level of intimacy there. Using a physical method of comfort is 'easier' than verbal/emotional methods. It's more of a challenge to elicit a 'verbal' hug or kiss. But it is possible. And can even be more satisfying.”
Another idea, if you find it hard to be in the same room and not touch, is: if you have a cell phone with free nights and weekends – use it! Go into a different room, call each other, and talk for hours, just as you may have done while dating.
Some couples find it helpful to develop little hand signals or gestures that mean “mental hug” or “I would hug you if I could.” Find out what kind of gesture will work for you. One woman said: “I realized that part of what I needed were the loving words that usually accompany a hug from [my husband]. So, I asked him to pretend he was hugging me, and say what he would say during that embrace - while I hugged my new son's biggest stuffed animal. And it worked. I still miss the hug, and it's frustrating that we have to concoct such elaborate scenes, but I feel very committed to Taharas Hamishpacha.”
Also, remember that your husband is not a mind-reader; it may take both of you time to figure out how to do this, and what kinds of things he can say to make you feel loved. Keep in mind that he is putting a lot of effort into this too, and don’t assume that because he hasn’t figured out yet how to comfort you, he doesn’t care.
There are also non-verbal ways to make yourselves feel closer to each other. While there are certain boundaries you shouldn’t cross while niddah, there is nothing wrong – and everything right – with doing small things for each other to show you still care. And this goes both ways; by doing things for your husband, you will foster a feeling of closeness to him, just as when he does things for you. Defer to each other’s tastes in music, prepare the other’s favorite food for dinner, etc. Buying flowers for Shabbat is permitted, and you can discuss with your posek what other gifts he feels would be appropriate.
This is also a good time to engage in projects you can do together that do not require physical contact. One example, suggested by a yoetzet, is to “[s]ave the house painting for the first two weeks of marriage - it is a fun project to do togetherand does not require physical contact. Engage yourselves in joint activity which is not romantic. This way you can enjoy each other's company and get work done as well!” House painting is just one example, but you can probably think of numerous others.
Another helpful technique is to spend time together in public rather than in private. Take a walk in a public place, go out to dinner, invite people over for Shabbat meals. Go on “dates” to a museum or park. Because most couples don’t touch each other as often (or at all) in public, this will enable you to talk without feeling conscious of the need to refrain from touching.
There are other things you can do even without your husband’s participation to feel closer to him. One technique that might help is to write down a list of things or events that made you feel especially connected to your husband during the yimei tehorah (things he said or did, things you did together, etc.) and read them over whenever you're feeling lonely.
Hopefully, these efforts will help to bring you closer together. Taharat hamishpachah can strengthen a marriage, but it is not necessarily a “given”; it takes work to make it happen.
Distract Yourself
Another method that many women find helps them get through niddah is simply to distract themselves with other activities until it is over. Keeping busy during this time is a good way to lessen the loneliness you may feel. When you have a school or work related project, for example, take advantage of the time you are in niddah for late nightsand busy hours. Get together with your friends. This is also a good time to pamper yourself: Take a bath, listen to music, etc. Save books that you’ve been looking forward to for niddah; engrossing books are especially good to read before falling asleep, if you find going to sleep alone painful. If you read until you’re exhausted, you may find nighttimes much easier. According to one woman, this is especially useful after the “roommate schmooze” mentioned above, if your husband falls asleep before you do. Other women may find it easier to just go to sleep early on those nights – when possible, even before their husband come home. Obviously, your own preferences and your own schedules will determine what works for you.
This is a great time to spend with other people, especially on Shabbat. Invite friends over for meals, or go elsewhere for meals. For women who find it comforting to be with their families, it can be especially helpful to arrange to spend these Shabbats (especially the first Shabbat of niddah) with the woman’s family, since in addition to being distracted she will feel supported and comforted. Women who are on hormonal birth control can even, if they find this very helpful, specifically arrange it so that they become niddah while they are with their family. That way the first brunt of sudden “aloneness” can be blunted.
Another thing to do is to go out and have a good time with your husband. As mentioned above, spending time together during niddah can feel more natural in public than in private. Dinners at restaurants, fun activities, etc. can be ways in which you can distract yourself while simultaneously spending time with your husband.
Understand the Problem and Learn to Think About It Differently
1 - It’s Not You, It’s the Situation
When a woman in niddah feels lonely and unloved, it is easy for her to think that this is her husband’s fault – that because the sexual aspect of their relationship is off limits, he is not paying as much attention to her, or even does not love her as much. This is usually not the case. Understand that because touching is part of the daily interaction of a couple, it sends spontaneous and frequent signs of affection and love, which is very reassuring especially for people in the earlier stages of marriage. Your husband cannot send you those signs during this time, but that doesn’t mean his feelings have changed. He just can’t express them in the way that you are both used to; and no matter how much verbal communication you manage to foster, it may be impossible for him to send those messages as frequently as he can when the two of you can touch. Understanding that the cause of your feelings is lack of touch, rather than lack of affection, can in itself help alleviate your loneliness. Try to remind yourself of this frequently.
In addition, keeping the rules against touching and the harchakot can be a constant strain on anyone, men included. Many men suffer from sexual frustration during the niddah period, and may feel the need to create some additional distance to keep from getting aroused. It can be a struggle – and may take some time – for your husband to find a way to be on his guard to keep all the harchakot during niddah while simultaneously expressing warmth and closeness to you. The fact that it is taking him a while to figure it out is not a sign that he is not trying. And of course, if you don’t explain to him how you feel, he won’t even know to try. Try not to accuse him of treating you differently; instead, explain that during niddah you need him to make extra efforts to compensate for the lack of touch.
Another factor to keep in mind is that you are probably somewhat oversensitive to suggestions of aloofness while you are in niddah. Try to keep this in mind before getting angry or hurt over how you feel your husband is treating you. Think to yourself: If I weren’t in niddah – if this happened last week/two weeks ago – would I read so much into it, or would I not think about it twice? Am I blowing this out of proportion?
2 - The Reason for This Is Not to Make You Miserable!
Some women, even those who have not had much difficulty in following halachah before marriage, find themselves growing resentful of the laws they are required to keep while they are niddah. As one woman put it, “These are called harchakot for a reason. I found myself thinking – these are evil laws designed to make couples feel distant from each other.”
It is important to understand that the reason for the harchakot and prohibitions against touching are not to make your married life difficult. It is to place barriers and reminders around the central prohibition, that of having marital relations during niddah – an extremely serious prohibition that carries with it an issur of karet. If you analogize to other areas of halachah that are punishable by karet, i.e. eating chametz on Pesach, and think of how many barriers and restrictions we place around those issurim, you will see that niddah is not all that unusual in that respect. It is harder, of course, since it touches on a very intimate part of your life. But it is not aimed at you or at your marriage; it is aimed at preventing you and your husband from violating the issur. And, as many couples who have “slipped up” on niddah can attest, the laws are not all that unreasonable: you will not know how easily you can slip up, or how strong you are, until you’ve reached that point (which hopefully you never will). These rules are in place to make it easier to avoid the actual sin, not to make you miserable.
You should also keep in mind that the rules may be more helpful to your husband than to you – not just in terms of keeping from having relations, but in terms of surviving the long period of abstinence. One woman who was not fully religious but decided with her husband to keep the core “no marital relations” practice of niddah, reports that after a year her husband requested that they also adhere to not touching, because it made it much easier for him to get through the days until she was tehorah again.
Keep in mind that there are two great areas of danger surrounding niddah. The first is that you will come to violate halachah during niddah. The second is that this period can become a wedge driving you and your husband apart. Your choices about which chumrot to keep, and how to decide within halachic gray areas, should depend on which of those dangers is more imminent for you. This will be different for different people, and may even be different for you at different stages in your married life.
Another thing to remember is that, as one kallah teacher put it, “Maybe it’s okay for a mitzvah to be hard.” Many (though certainly not all!) of the mitzvot we keep today are relatively easy for us, given the society in which we live; and while there is no reason to deliberately make things difficult for ourselves, she suggested that perhaps it is okay to have a mitzvah that actually tests your spirit and resolve. It may help you to consider niddah as a challenge in Avodat Hashem, and as a way to build up your own inner strength. Consider it part of learning to trust cycles in life, to deal with anxiety and pain in general, and even the painful parts of it may be somewhat beneficial to you.
3 - There’s Hope on the Horizon
If you are newly married, you should be aware that for many people (though not all), keeping taharat hamishpachah gets easier with time. Especially if you are at the beginning of your marriage, you will likely become more emotionally confident and secure in your relationship as time goes on, which will make it easier not to feel emotionally distant.
So if your first few niddah cycles were marked by tears and misery, do not think you are doomed to go through periods of suffering for the rest of your life. Hopefully, the ideas and suggestions in this pamphlet will help you work on the problem to make it better; in addition, the mere passage of time, as you grow into your marriage, may help alleviate the problem.
For many couples, having children is a great turning point in their ability to withstand niddah, both because of the near-constant distraction and because of the close relationships they have with their children. In the words of one woman, “[G]enerally I have found being niddah after birth is much easier than before as you have another person in your life to love.” In addition, when parents share in caring for and loving them, children themselves can foster emotional closeness. As one woman put it, “When my husband comes home and kisses and hugs our baby, I feel like he is hugging me too. It’s weird but true.” Many women, ironically, find the approximately two-month niddah period after childbirth to be their easiest niddah period to date. (Of course, some women find the post-partum period to be especially difficult in many ways, including niddah; there is nothing wrong with you if you are one of them.)
(For other couples, however, the challenges are greater at a later stage of life. Juggling a growing family and busy schedules, together with the not uncommon menstrual changes that accompany growing older, may limit the time that a couple is physically available to each other. At this stage as well, working on possible solutions can make dealing with the situation easier. Even if years have gone by since you have spoken to your kallah teacher, consider calling her or another woman with whom you feel comfortable discussing these issues.)
Even within a niddah cycle, many women find that certain time periods are more difficult for them than others. For example, some women find that the first two or three days are the most difficult for them, and that it gradually gets easier over the course of the weeks. If this is the case for you, and if you find that nothing helps during the first few days, it may be that attempting to implement solutions during those days will only make you feel worse. If that is the case, it may be better to push off such attempts until those first few days have passed – at least the first time you try them. Once you have incorporated some suggestions into your lifestyle for one cycle, they may help you during even the hardest days of the next cycle as well.
Other women find that the end of the niddah period is more difficult for them, in which case it may help to focus on actively implementing solutions during the first few days, so that they will be in place by the time things become more difficult.
Other Solutions
1 - Don’t Prolong the Niddah Period
Make sure you are not unnecessarily prolonging the time that you spend in niddah. Unless it is point-blank red, never assume that a hefsek, moch, or bedikah is tamei on your own – always show it to a rav or yoetzet. And try to find a rav who is an expert in dealing with these questions; in general, the more knowledgeable a rav is, the less likely it is that he will be unnecessarily machmir. Also make sure to mention any extenuating circumstances when you show the cloth – i.e. if you have been in niddah for a very long time, if you are trying to conceive, etc.
It is also important to know that not all stains make a woman niddah. If you discover a stain at an unexpected time, you should consult with a rav or yoetzet prior to assuming you are niddah; and while you should act like you are niddah until you get an answer, you should not consider yourself niddah until you know for sure.
If you are taking hormonal birth control, considering asking your doctor if it safe for you to skip one week of placebo pills and take six straight weeks of active pills. Many women can do this safely and effectively, resulting in much longer cycles and relatively less time spent in niddah. (It may help to build up gradually, by adding an extra week of active pills at a time over the course of several months.) The cycles, being less frequent, will have less of a cumulative emotional toll on you. In addition, this will enable you to go into each niddah cycle in a state of full emotional strength, rather than still partly recovering from the last time. (However, the chances of breakthrough bleeding do increase at the beginning of extended use, so make sure you understand what types of stains will make you a niddah before you begin.)
Under extenuating circumstances, a couple that has fulfilled the mitzvah of peru u’revu may get a heter to use hormonal birth control specifically to extend the woman’s cycle. In all such cases, a rav should be consulted.
In addition, even if you are not on hormonal birth control, other medications can be used to extend the cycle somewhat. This should be discussed with your physician.
2 -Make Going into Niddah as Stress-free as Possible
When you find that you have gotten your period and you know you are going into a difficult two weeks, that is not the time that you want to have to change all your linen. (If you are from a community that keeps to the tradition of using white linen during niddah, this may be unavoidable.) For example: if you have two twins that you cover with a king-size sheet, you may want to make the twin beds first and then cover them with the king-size sheet – so that when you become niddah, all you have to do is pull off the king rather than make up the twins.
Another thing that some women find helpful is to sleep with their husbands in “her” bed for the week before niddah, so that she will not feel like she is being “banished” from “their” bed. If you have one large bed and one small one, and switch off when you are in niddah, it may help you to always sleep in the big bed the first few nights. Bed arrangements should be checked with a rav (some will allow “switching” beds each niddah period, for example, while others will not).
3 - Share Your Feelings
While taharat hamishpachah is by its nature a private mitzvah, there are ways to talk to other women who are going through similar things and can emphasize with you. One great place for this is www.mayimrabim.com, an online community where women can anonymously discuss their experiences with taharat hamishpachah as well as with other aspects of being a Jewish woman. (Much of the current discussion takes place on Mayim Rabim’s message boards.)