The Problem

Many couples find themselves fighting frequently during the yimei tumah. As stated on the Yoatzot website: “Stress between a couple while the wife is niddah is not unusual. While in theory it should be a time when the couple can concentrate on the non-physical side of their marriage, in reality the lack of physical contact can be hard. This is especially true for newlyweds.”

Possible Solutions

There are many reasons why a couple might fight when the wife is in niddah. Often it is due to a feeling of emotional distance, discussed in the previous section – if that is the case, the suggestions there may help.

At other times, the tension is caused by the stress of keeping the harchakot and the need to be constantly aware of one’s actions, which spills over into everyday actions. The stress of pulling back physically may also play a role. For some, the fights may be a subconscious way of making it easier to not touch during niddah. And for a number of women, the regular hormonal factors of their monthly cycle may be a contributing factor. Figuring out the underlying reasons you fight so often during niddah, and addressing those, are often the key to reducing fights. Simple awareness can help.

In addition, more general techniques to avoid fighting should be focused on at this time. “Count to ten,” cliché though it is, can work well in many situations. Force yourself to consider rationally whatever it is that is getting you upset. If it is not an immediate issue, try to push off the discussion of what is bothering you until you are tehorah.

You can also try to prevent the tension by sitting down together while you are tehorah, at a time when both you and your husband are feeling rested and calm, to discuss what seems to be leading you to fights while you are niddah. If you are unable to work through it on your own, it may be a good idea to include a rav, kallah teacher, or marital therapist in the discussion.