The Problem

We all know and are taught how important it is to be careful about removing all chatzitzot and noticing possible questions when preparing for the mikvah. However, in some cases the anxiety associated with this process can spiral out of control. The idea that a mistake could lead to an issur karet can, for some women, lead to an almost obsessive fear of missing something. This fear, if extreme, can turn preparation for mikvah into a monthly rite of extreme tension.

Possible Solutions

One of the most important things you can do, if you have this problem, is to talk to a rav or yoetzet about it. A rav or yoetzet may also be able to reduce your anxiety by explaining which aspects of your preparation are truly required and which are chumrot. Many books on Taharat Hamishpachah, and many kallah classes, differ in their discussions of requirements for mikvah preparation; obtaining a clear understanding of the baseline requirements vs. extra stringencies will enable you to worry less about those aspects of your preparation that are not halachically required.

In addition, many rabbanim, once they understand the extent of the problem and the character of the woman involved, will give “psak” based on the chance that something is really wrong vs. the chance that the woman is worrying about something insubstantial. They may also suggest that a woman take certain actions post-mikvah that will provide halachic help in giving such psak.

Another thing that will help is, when possible, to give yourself plenty of time to prepare – twice as much time as you think it should really take. Rushing, in addition to being tension-inducing, will make you physically feel like you’re nervous even if you’re not. It may also help to put on soothing music while you prepare. Also, getting to the mikvah as early as is reasonably possible will result inless of a stressful wait (and sometimes none) if you’re one of the first ones there.

It may also help you to start preparing as early as that morning, by making sure you have fewer chatzitzot to remove. If you are comfortable doing so, consider not wearing any makeup that day so you won’t have to worry about getting it off. It is also a good idea to cut your nails and to shave (if you generally remove your leg hairs) a day or two in advance, so that by the time you are preparing for mikvah you won’t have to worry about stray hairs and rough edges.

You can also make arrangements in advance to make the logistics of the day easier – hiring a babysitter, having you or your husband (or both) leave work early, even making sure to get a good night’s sleep the night before. It may help to put together a little “kit” with all the items you use at the mikvah (including money), so that you do not have to pack anew each month. It might make you feel more positive to splurge on the “mikvah kit” – have it in a nice bag, with spa-quality materials inside.

Also, if your mikvah attendant is willing, and you are comfortable with it, it is a good idea to ask her to check you carefully. Remember, she has more experience than you do. If she checked your nails, for example, then even if on your way home you start worrying that they’re too rough, you can just remind yourself that the mikvah attendant checked them and thought they were okay. You can rely on her opinion.

(On the other hand, some (fortunately not many) mikvah attendants are somewhat obsessive themselves, and if they spend 15 minutes filing your already-filed nails, will only make you feel even more anxious. In this case, it is important to get a second opinion. Perhaps you can attend another mikvah (if one is available), or try to get a different attendant. If not, you can ask her to just check your back for hairs and rely on yourself for the rest of the exam.)

If you find the problem to be ongoing and severe, you may want to consider discussing it with a physician. There is a condition known as obsessive compulsive disorder that affects approximately 2% of the population and that can often come out in the area of mikvah preparation. If it is diagnosed, there many avenues that can help treat it, including behavioral therapy and/or medications.

Remember, going to the mikvah is not supposed to cause stress and anxiety. While mikvah preparations should be approached as a serious mitzvah, they should not be associated with fear and tension. You are not being “less frum” if you reduce your anxiety. Halachah specifies that we take a certain level of care, and you are required to take that level of care only. You want to be meticulous, but not to drive yourself crazy. With time, and with the help of these suggestions, we hope that you work out a balance you can feel comfortable with.