The Problem

Mikvah night is the long-anticipated end of niddah, and a night that many women look forward to with excitement and anticipation. However, some women have difficulty with the sudden “switch” from niddah status to tehorah status, and find that – even if they otherwise have a good physical relationship with their husband – they do not look forward to mikvah night. Some women dread that first touch or kiss, or feel unduly pressured to have relations on that night. Others, even though they have been anticipating the night eagerly, find themselves becoming irritable and tense, and often spend the night picking fights with their husbands rather than reconnecting with them.

Possible Solutions

Take It Slow

If your relationship with your husband is good, and you normally enjoy the physical aspect of it, it is likely that you are having trouble with the abrupt switchover from a non-physical relationship to a full-fledged physical relationship. As one woman put it, “A relationship that does not have even minor physical contact is suddenly transformed into a sexual one, and I don't think I handle the transition well.”

If this is the cause of the problem, then the obvious answer is to take it slow. Don’t start off the night with immediate physical affection. If necessary, you can even put things off until the next night (there is no halachic obligation to have relations on mikvah night, although most people will want to). Perhaps have a “date” – watch a movie, go for a walk, have a nice dinner with wine. Wait until things feel natural, rather than “jumping into bed” as soon as you get home. And when things do get started, you may need more foreplay than usual to help you get back into things.

One yoetzet comments that, “It is not uncommon for a woman to not be in the mood for intercourse on mikveh night, as a two week period of separation requires a certain readjustment to the physical relationship. I suggest you try to explain how you feel to your husband, and see if you could come to a mutual agreement that on mikveh night you will enjoy an intimate evening together without intercourse, allowing you to ease your way comfortably back into things.”

If this is necessary for you, it is important to be sensitive in explaining it to your husband. Many men will, for obvious reasons, feel rejected if their wives don’t want their touch, especially on mikvah night when men too feel an obligation to be “on.” Make sure to explain this in advance, including the reasons and the fact that you are not the only woman to feel this way. (It’s probably a good idea to explain this while you are tehorah, and not wait until you are in niddah.) Keep in mind also that, at the end of a niddah period, your husband may be feeling more sexual frustration than you are, and that the difficulties he is undergoing should form a part of your mutual decision about whether to delay relations. While you should never have relations in circumstances where you don’t want to, it may be necessary to work out some sort of compromise so that you can both enjoy the night.

Some women find that it helps to have their husbands drive them to the mikvah and wait nearby. That way the evening automatically starts out slow, without the awkwardness of the woman walking into the home and everything being permitted. If this is not practical, you may want to call your husband five minutes before you’re finished, so that you can meet somewhere neutral (not your home) and spend some time together before going home.

(Many mikvaot will not allow husbands to wait in the mikvah parking lot, out of consideration for the privacy of other women using the mikvah; for the same reason, it is best if your husband doesn’t park down the block where he may see other women walking home. The best solution is for him to wait around the corner, and have you call him when you’re done so he can come pick you up.)

Prepare the Atmosphere

One thing that can help drastically is the atmosphere of the house when you arrive home. If your husband cleans the house, sets up candles and wine, etc., this can make you feel more comfortable from the moment you walk through the door.

For some women, it helps to feel that their husbands are participating in the mitzvah with them, rather than feeling like they are the only ones bearing any responsibility. Having your husband set up the house to prepare for your arrival will also accomplish this goal. So can your husband buying you flowers or preparing dinner that night. Having him pick you up from the mikvah, if practical, might also help make you feel that he is putting effort into the night.

You may find that it bothers you to walk in and find your husband busy with something else; in that case, it is a good idea to call him before you leave so he can be prepared to greet you.

Also, keep in mind that your husband may not have the same anxiety about mikvah night that you do, and thus it may not occur to him on his own that he should be making special efforts to prepare for it. If you feel that his efforts will help you, you should not hesitate to ask him directly to do specific things that will make you more comfortable, and you should not feel that he is somehow lacking in not thinking of them on his own. His efforts won’t count any less because the request came from you!

Avoid Unrealistic Expectations

After two weeks of looking forward to mikvah night, you may have built up an expectation that it be perfect: that your husband read your mind to know exactly what you want, that the physical aspect be incredible from the first second, that your husband be completely in sync with you. This can set you up for disappointment if things don’t work out that way, which they often will not.

As one woman put it: “[H]igh expectations are the death of any special moment… I have also learned from being married for a few years now that the most special moments are not the ones that are planned or include grand gestures, but are the ones that emerge organically from the moment."

If this is an issue for you, you may have to work on developing a more low-key and realistic attitude in terms of your expectations for mikvah night. If you find this difficult, it may help to switch your expectations to some other night – i.e. arrange to have the big romantic dinner or special event a few nights after mikvah night, when the tension of transitioning from niddah to tehorah is behind you.