The Problem

A large number of religious women feel, at one time or another, pressure to have relations during the time that they are tehorah. The pressure does not necessarily come directly from their husbands; rather, it is due to the knowledge – on both their parts – that the time during which they can be together is limited. This pressure can be more intense toward the end of a tehorah period, when many couples have a sense that time is running out.

Sometimes, the problem can be intermittent and caused by specific circumstances – i.e. a woman is not feeling well or is under a lot of stress, and is not in the mood for relations, but on the other hand she knows she’s going to get her period soon. For other women, the problem can be more consistent and serious.

Possible Solutions

Like most other things in marriage, sexual relations tend to be a matter of compromise. While the sexual union between husband and wife should most often be a matter of their coming together in mutual desire, in most marriages there will be times when one partner is interested and the other is not. And, in most marriages, there will be a series of compromises where one partner goes without despite strong desire or one partner agrees to have relations even though he or she is not particularly in the mood. It is important to realize that this is normal and healthy and not necessarily a sign of a problem in marriage.

The issue should be discussed with your husband in a sensitive way, remembering that many men are particularly sensitive about apparent rejection by their wives in this area. Good communication is crucial to make sure your husband does not feel that you are never interested in him physically, or that he should be uncomfortable approaching you sexually. Rather, he should be made to understand that the pressure you feel during the tehorah period is having a negative effect on your response, and that it is important to relieve or eliminate this pressure.

If the problem is especially acute, and/or if you are already on hormonal birth control, lengthening your cycle by taking six straight weeks of active pills can be helpful. (You should consult with your physician before you do this.) As for expending sexual energy when one partner is not interested – one age-old solution is: exercise!

Another important thing to realize is that, although much of this pamphlet has focused on ways in which women find niddah difficult – there are many women who like niddah, and that’s perfectly okay! It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your husband or enjoy your physical relationship; many women enjoy having the space to themselves and the “time off” from any even implied pressure to have relations. However, there is a difference between liking niddah and disliking being tehorah. If a woman is constantly made to have relations when she does not want to, or finds that the pressure of the tehorah time consistently decreases her desire to have relations in the first place, the problem should be addressed.

Note: Pain During Intercourse

The pressure discussed in this section can be a problem for women who are experiencing normal, enjoyable sexual experiences with their husbands, and is certainly not a sign of sexual dysfunction. However, if you are not enjoying sexual relations, or if you are still finding them uncomfortable or painful after the first month or so of marriage, you should be aware that pain during intercourse is experienced by an estimated 15-20% of women, and that in most cases it is treatable. Your gynecologist may be able to recommend a specialist or treatment; however, not all gynecologists are trained in, or even aware of, treatments for painful intercourse. If your gynecologist can’t help, it is best to find a doctor who specializes in vulvar-vaginal conditions and/or an endometriosis specialist. Listed below are a few resources that may help you get started:

Resources For Finding a Specialist:

• Yoatzot have contacts with many professionals who specialize in sexual issues, including sex therapists and doctors. They can be contacted at www.yoatzot.com or via Nishmat’s Women’s Halachic Hotline at 1-877-YOETZET.
• The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors & Therapists has an online directory at http://www.aasect.org/directory.asp.
• There is a healthcare provider directory at http://www.vulvarhealth.org/directory.html.

Resources For Finding More Information:

• Talli Rosenbaum, an Orthodox physical therapist with offices in Tel Aviv and Bet Shemesh, has a website (http://www.physioforwomen.com) with links to useful articles, including “A Woman’s Guide to Alleviating Painful Intercourse,” http://loveandhealth.ifriends.net/Article.cfm?Topic=2&SubTopic=6&Article=233
• There is a forum for discussing this problem at the online support group www.frumsupport.com; the forums are called “Pelvic Pain” and “Vulvar-Vaginal Pain/Pelvic Floor Dysfunctions,” and are located in the Women’s Only-Gynecology section. You will have to register (a free and anonymous process) to be allowed access to the Women’s-Only areas.
• There is a thread on the topic of painful intercourse on the message boards of www.mayimrabim.com, under the “Being Tehorah” section.