Longer Intro ..
There's so much to do, but I don't see how it will be more different or difficult for me to learn than keeping kosher, shabbos, learning Hebrew .. but it will. Even though by and large this is for me it's not -just- me... I need to include my chosson [husband].. and that's where the difficulty begins.
He's not yet fully shomer mitzvot and except for being completely shomer negiah I am. He did have a modern orthodox yeshivah education, then an ivy league university (where we met)... he grumbled over my instituting more kashrut in his life, but he's now doing it on his own .. he grumbles still over being shomer shabbos (it's about 3 years now), so I haven't pushed him too hard to be home on time .. if he gets really restless over shabbos afternoon (I won't mention shul attendance) .. I don't complain too loudly if he turns on his computer as he promised me he wouldn't do any online shopping or sign onto work. It's progress and it doesn't completely affect me if he isn't shomer shabbat (yet).
HOWEVER T"H is proving to be a very difficult concept for him as he knows very little about the subject and it's existence and he's having a rough time. B"H [baruch hashem, thank g-d] our classes are taught by really wonderful couple.. and I see it helping him. I've spoken to him about this since I first learned of it many years (ok, 3.5) ago. But he likes his double bed and has said that he didn't see a problem with us sharing it. Last class they went over (among many other things) beds .. i still haven't had a good chance to talk with him about that class becuase I'm curious how it's explained to the men. Hopefully it's sinking in. I have this horrid feeling at the moment that I'll be the one spending 2 weeks on the couch ...
I am lucky .. he does know that it's important to me, 5 things are: shabbos, kashrut, negiah, tznius, and tzeddekah. So he said he's willing to give it a go (at the moment only if he can keep his mattress)
Next posts (soon, bli neder [without a vow]) I'll talk about my thoughts on my kallah class and how I feel about group/individual ... and my complete confusion as to why many don't know anything about this until they take their kallah class!
Comments
I have the same situation, where I'm more observant than the husband about some things.
Ironically, when it comes to t"h and the bed situation, *I'm* the one that would love separate beds, but he likes the one bed. It's easy to give in to him on this, because our bedroom really isn't big enough for two beds. But he just doesn't fall into the typical all or nothing. He accepts the boundaries and limitations without having to use the "fences."
In response...
I've practically fought with him about the bed issue from when he moved into his apartment several years ago. There is absolutely no room for a second double.. it would be a tight fit (and require some very creative rearranging) to get two twins in there.
And anyways, I prefer couches to beds! I've always been known to go hunt out a couch or a large arm chair to curl up in as I like that "wall" by my back and something "enveloping me" (the arms of the chair)... anyway, I'm sure we'll figure something out.
After that class I haven't discussed it. I know that we will need those fences (remember, we haven't been very good about being properly shomer negiah as is) so it will be interesting. It'll work out, that I know. I've made my case, he's now "officially" learnt about it in class and I'll let it go. If I sleep on the couch for 2 weeks, I know I'll sleep well for those 2 weeks LOL ...
All of it will be hard in the beginning. He is sometimes all or nothing and is learning about grey... as am I ... and I'm learning that it's "ok" to take baby steps. Or at least to walk together...
Just had another thought on the bed thing. Being the one who gets to (has to) sleep on the couch is all fine and dandy now, but G-d willing you'll have kids (Eden too, if my brochos (blessings) have any power!)... if the bed is his then he gets the kid company when they're scared, lonely, sick...
And non-negotiable, you get the bed post-partum. That way you can have the baby sleep in with you, and not have to get up for all those nightime feedings. Unless of course, you're bottle feeding, and then he can do all those feedings, so he can have the bed and the baby too.
;-)
(Actually, men shouldn't sleep with babies unless they're light sleepers. Mothers (usually) instinctively don't roll over on babies, but Fathers aren't Mothers.)
Hee hee!
a) I know he's a lighter sleeper than I am. At least in general. When the mommy/nurse gene kicks in, well, it's probably a coin toss.
b) Once we move from this apartment (g-d willing soon!) we'll have more space and I'll get my way with the mattresses and beds. Hopefully children will come after that occurs. :)
Thank you for all the brachos may they come true for everyone. I just want to wait a little bit.. I have to figure out a few more things for me before I want the added responsibility of a little one. (about a year or two, then we'll try).
My kallah teacher felt it was SO untsnius to have 2 different sizes of bed………said sex wasn’t the focus of the marriage.
Now that I’m married 20 years, I’ve seen more than my share of frum bedrooms…….and you know what….
I THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO LISTENED!!!
Well, I have friends who have two double beds, because the husband wanted a queen just for him, and the wife said, "You think so! Especially when I know I'm going to wind up with kids in bed with me, (G-d willing!)" So they compromised on two doubles. Which of course, only works if you have room in your bedroom for two double beds (including the minimum arms'reach distance between them.) But although it's not exactly a common discussion, I don't know of too many couples where the second bed is the couch, unless of course, it's a space consideration.
I think it'll grow on him. Taharat HaMishpacha, that is. And the not touching/not passing items directly stuff... that's for the guys. Women don't need it the same way, but guys have trouble unless it's all or nothing.