My first time...
I put off making a hefsek taharah as long as I could, but I finally did it. Partially I stalled because I wasn't supposed to see my future husband once I did it, and we had paperwork to take care of if we wanted to be married legally, not just halachically. Mostly it was because it started the count-down to going to mikvah. As it was, we wound up seeing each other anyway, to take care of that paperwork. Once I went to mikvah, though, we didn't even talk on the phone, except through intermediaries.
I was supposedly frum, but I was very new to everything, and I was far from home. The community had adopted me to a certain extent... made my bridal shower, made sure I had invitations for Shabbos meals, a place to stay the Shabbos before my Sunday wedding so I wouldn't be alone... but it occurred to no one to offer to accompany me to mikvah.
Yes, I was scared of the water, but I was determined to go anyway... I wanted to be married, and that was stronger (minimally) than my fear, but I had panic attacks and an adrenaline rush that left me weak and shaky every time i thought of my upcoming "trial by water." I was to be married on Sunday, and my kallah teacher decided I should go to mikvah Friday morning rather than Saturday night.... so my preparations wouldn't be rushed, and so my time in the mikvah wouldn't be rushed by knowing others were waiting. She told me to meet her at the mikvah, and that I could bring a friiend, but I didn't know who to ask... people are busy Friday morning. So I came alone.
When she met me there, there were three of us on the front steps. "Oh, good, you did bring some friends," she said. But they were there for the same reason. One of them was also getting married on Sunday, and her sister accompanied her. (They had arranged to meet a different shomeret there.) Still, it was nice to not feel completely alone, and I wished for my sister's company. As alien as my life style seems to her, she would have come and offered moral support... but she wasn't in town yet, and she was traveling with Nita, who would definitely not have been invited! So it was just as well.
I don't remember anymore how many times it took me to actually get my three kosher dunks. My long hair floated, so they offered me a hairnet. I found it hard to remember not to breathe under water, and choked as the chlorinated water burned the inside of my nose and mouth. I especially found it hard to get far enough under, as I felt that I was drowning as soon as the water closed over my head. And picking up my feet at the same time was another hardship, as I lost my connection with solid ground.
All I really remember is that, pale and shaking, I accomplished my objective: a kosher tevilah. Oh, I was still terrified of the water. I would still spend the sheva neki'im in subsequent months trying not to think about what exactly I was counting up to. But now I knew that scared or not, I could and would do it. In a way, it was empowering. And imagine what it meant to my husband: here I was, doing something that scared me to tears, all for him. (Well, that's how he saw it!)
Over the next few times, we (the shomerot and I) worked out some details to make it easier. I held onto the metal hand rail, as far down as I could reach, with one hand, held my nose with the other. Wore the hairnet so I wouldn't have to worry about stray floating hairs. Pulled myself down by the handrail, pulled my feet up as I let go of my nose, then broke the surface of the water. It still took me many tries before I heard the shomeret say "Kosher!" And everytime I met a "new" shomeret, I had to start by explaining that I was scared of the water. One time when I went to mikvah the shomeret said, "So get pregnant. Then you won't have to come for a while." "Fine," I said, through gritted teeth, "but I still have to get through this first!" (And yes, I did, in fact, conceive that night.)
So I got a hiatus, some needed time off. At least until after the baby was born...
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I was offered that very thing, many times. I always thought it sounded like a good idea, but never got around to actually doing it! I know I still own two bathing suits, but finding them is another story. It's been over 10 years since I last wore them... to fail a swimming course because the teacher had no patience for dealing with phobias.
Anyway, it's gotten much easier over the years. I'm working up to that in my posts... don't want to skip to the end without telling the whole story... and anyone else with a water phobia will want to hear the whole story. Or at least, I would.
What do they say if it's not Kosher?
Usually just something like "Could you do that one again?"
Oh my goodness, I remember my first time. I must have gone under seven times before I got three kosher tries. At the time I felt like the mikvah queen - boy, had I ever covered THAT mitzvah! - but after a few more nights like that anything good about the experience had worn off. Especially because I came up coughing and sputtering more with every dunk.
I had the strong feeling it was because I was losing my balance when I jumped, coming up any which way, never sure when I was going to hit the surface. Finally I went back to my kallah class notes, and remembered her demonstrating: all you have to do is crouch down, and then straighten up. Some women jump, but you don't have to jump; it's just a means to an end, getting all of you under water.
I was worried that I wasn't remembering right, so I asked the mikvah lady the next time I went: Do I have to pick my feet up off the floor? Absolutely not, she said -- you don't have to do that yourSELF. It will just inevitably happen at some point on the way. You can't possibly keep your feet pressed down the whole time.
So now this is all I do: use the railing to get crouched all the way down. Then let go, put my arms out in front of me, and straighten up. I do lose my footing a bit towards the end, but the whole thing is so much calmer, it's unbelievable. I don't cough at all anymore.
Anyway, it sounds like you have more general fears of the water than I did, but I wonder if it might help if you just had a few good, calm experiences; the next time you got in the water you might not already be panicking.
Would your mikvah lady be willing to practice with you - maybe even get into the water with you in a bathing suit, so she can hold onto you or show you what to do? I know that's the only way I ever relaxed enough to learn how to float.