Why I was not interested in being helped.
In comments to my previous post, My first time... I said I had always thought taking the mikvah lady up on her idea of "practicing" sometime in bathing suits (to get me more comfortable with the water) was a good idea, but had just never gotten around to it. In retrospect, that was a lie. Since I pride myself on being honest, here's the real reason I never accepted what seemed like a perfectly reasonable offer.
First, understand that we're talking about real fear here. I had a brief but traumatic experience as a child, where I was swallowed by a wave (on the beach). I've blocked out any actual memories of this event, but I can assume that for a moment there, I was completely engulfed by the water, and had no sensation of which way was up, no firm contact with the ground.
I'm plenty comfortable in a pool. (I've never since liked the beach.) At least before I realized mixed swimming was an issue, I'd happily put on a bathing suit and go "swimming," either meet a friend at the neighborhood pool, or join my sister in the hotel pool on vacations. I had two rules, though. Rule 1: I had to be holding onto something... either my feet firmly on the bottom, or my hands firmly on the side or on a handrail... I was slightly less comfortable holding onto a person, but that was also acceptable. Rule 2: No dunking me. My head must remain above the water at all times.
You can see how both of these rules are incompatible with the whole mikvah experience (especially the second one!). Just thinking about it sent me into panic mode and left me shaky. It was bad enough I was having trouble getting a kosher tevilah and needed to try many times when I had to go to mikvah. Obviously, meeting the mikvah lady at the mikvah in a bathing suit would entail my having to put my head under additional times, or what would be the point? I was perfectly comfortable in the water with my head out of it.
Simply put, I wasn't willing to submit myself to water torture for anything less than a divine commandment. Especially when I got pregnant so soon after marriage... I saw it as a gift, not just of the new life I was carrying, but the gift of not having to dunk myself for almost a year. I needed that hiatus, and I was darn well taking it!
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Well, I don't know about "openly"... after all, I'm using a pseudonym. ;-) But I do think having that "I'm not alone" feeling is very important... that's why this blog was started, after all, to give us a forum to share this sort of stuff.
And everyone's gut instinct, at least among those who aren't hydrophobic, is to suggest more exposure to the water. Psychologically, facing your fears may sometimes help conquer them, but facing them extra times was not something I wanted to volunteer for! I was facing them, every month that I wasn't pregnant or nursing clean. That was plenty for me. It made that hefsek taharah more stressful, as much as I wanted that reunion with my husband. I spent the sheva neki'im trying not to think about going to mikvah. I put off making the appointment until 24-48 hours in advance. I took many deep breaths, trying to relax... it's a wonder I didn't hyperventilate. But I did it, every time.
You aren't alone, at least the fear of beaches and getting your head (in my case, ears, wet) and having nothing under your feet or to hold onto. What gives me strength is that even with this incredibly fear you observed the law! This little fear didn't get in your way. This might sound strange (and show my ignorance, I've only been practicing little parts of T"H for 2 years and because my dh and I are interested in learning more, we're slowly adding more observance, we're mostly keep shabbat and kosher) but perhaps had you thought of being a mikveh lady? It might be hard with kids, but it might also help. I think it would also help "confusing" people in that they wouldn't quite know when you are going to the mikveh for you or for others. :) It would keep you near the water but you wouldn't have to go in! Just a thought.
At this point it's not the kids so much that would make it hard as my husband's schedule... I'd have to get a babysitter every time, at least in the Winter, because he comes home so late. It's an interesting idea, though. Very intriguing. I will definitely consider it when the oldest kids are old enough to babysit... In terms of "confusing people," though, it's mainly my kids I need to confuse. Hmm, time for another post.
My husband said, "Yes, it is the kids, or you wouldn't need a babysitter, no matter what my schedule!" I guess he's right. (He's almost always right, it's sort of annoying. I love him anyway.)
It's so great that you're writing about this so openly. I know so many women with the same fear, and it makes mikvah such an unpleasant experience for them. Thank G-d, I don't have that fear, so I never know what to say to help them. At least now I can direct them here and say, "you're not alone!"