Accept upon yourself a teacher...
Rabban Gamliel would say: Accept upon yourself a teacher; and remove yourself from uncertainty; and do not give an excess when tithing by estimating [instead of measuring]. -- Pirkei Avos 1:16
Ok, I can probably rattle that off in Hebrew better and the English doesn't do it justice, but tonight it finally sunk in. Why am I emphasising I can say the Hebrew? (Am I showing off?) No, I didn't fully understand the meaning of it.
So, what am I saying?
I have read many books, seforim on T"H. I thought I knew what colours were bad, what colours were ok, how and when to do a Hefsek Tahara, dealing with stains, etc. Overall I thought I knew a lot, maybe not all, I'm not that conceited, but really, I did pass a Beis Din [rabbinic court] examination for my conversion, right? So what else did I need to be taught? Why was I spending over 2 hours each week stuck in a classroom late at night in a very inconvient location? I didn't need to learn anything else.
I am wrong.
Tonight, it sunk in for the first time that I'm probably doing my Hefsek Tahara a whole day later than needed only because I'm soo concerned about the colour! Colours that are bad: Black and red. Colours to not worry about: white, and all it's shades. Colours to ask a shailah: All others, including browns, pinks, oranges, and yes (according to the Talmud) green and blue. (eew!)
Anyway, tonight I really learned my lesson that it is important to have a Rov (or Rebbetzin at the very least) and of course a friend.. i.e. (in my interpretation) you shouldn't be scared to ask that shailah [question] or go to the class. And by learning properly the halachos you don't estimate and figure in either direction (strict or lenient), because just as one should give tzeddekah [charity] of at least a certain amount (discussion as to what that amount is should be posted elsewhere) one should also not give in excess so as not to need tzeddekah themselves. (Though I must say that one who receives tzeddekah should give tzeddekah themselves, again not a discussion for here, but I do need to get it out).
I'm not saying this for everyone, but this is how I feel it now.
Comments
And the line between yellow and brown can be kind of hazy, so you should ask about those too, until you get an idea of what's fine. I actually didn't get to mikvah after the birth of my first until 11 weeks! after the baby was born, because I was so used to clear bedikahs, that I couldn't get it through my head that the yellows I was getting might be okay! Due to complicated circumstances, getting those bedikahs to a rav was, well, complicated, but if I had known it was probably okay I might have tried harder.
And what's not okay for a hefsek taharah may be okay for a mid-week bedikah, because you've already "proved" that you've started the "clean" days.
Etc.
This is HUGELY important when you're trying to get pregnant. If you wait until you're getting a perfectly white hefsek, you run the risk of missing your ovulation day.
It took me years to learn this, but basically - uinless you're staining true red - it never hurts to start making a hefsek on Day 5 and show it to a rabbi, even if you're sure it's a waste of time. Sometimes it will be, but sometimes it won't, and it's totally worth it for those times.
Hey, rabbis get a lot of training in how to tell the good browns from the bad! Might as well put all that learning to use! :)
I have sent mamash bloody bedikahs to the rov believing that of course they were not good to only be told it's no problem. Now I always make HT on the fifth day and send it in. Most times he has said it's okay. It really shocks me as to what is okay and what isn't.
This is why this is such a wonderful forum! I'm sure if I didn't have 4 people confirming this, I still might "wait" ... I'm sorry that you (and I am sure many others) waited went they didn't have to. It's one thing to hear a khallah teach say it, but to have it really sink in i know will take time. Yasher koach! [sorry I just am unable to properly define this... i'll try "may you have strength"]
I want to add myself to the "always ask" chorus (at least until you feel comfortable with what you have learned to judge clear-cut cases). Even after a lot of times asking, I can still be surprised with what is okay.
But I also wanted to add the caveat that when checking as early as possible, you can run a higher risk of getting "false start" with an ok hefsek and then invalidating stains or bedikot afterwards (and a few pairs of white underwear to wash out!). You still have nothing to lose - it's just an annoyance -- but I just wanted to mention it since it has been a frustration for me. So now if it is the same for you, you won't think it's only your flow that seems to stop and start a bunch of times near the end before finally shutting up :-)
You should STILL definitely try for as early as possible (as I do, even though I generally have more flow afterwards).
Dvoe, have you asked about the staining - I mean, not just the individual bedikahs, but as an overall pattern? Sometimes when people ask anonymously the rabbi doesn't realize it's the same person having the problem over and over.
I once had some mid-week staining for a few months in a row, and finally my rabbi told me that I should stop wearing white after the first night, and only do 2 bedikot! I still sometimes have my hefsek invalidated by the first bedikah, but once I get past that first day I'm home free until day 7.
Now, he knew I was having infertility issues, so perhaps that was the reason for his ruling. Also, maybe it's harder to be lenient in the first few days - when your period might actually not be fully over - than if the flow stops completely, and then starts up again days later. I can't tell if you're talking about a gradual trickling off until it's over, or more drastic stops & starts. And I don't know what goes into the decision.
But it's worth asking, maybe?
I am totally gaining a new respect for rabbies... I mean that in the most respectful way. But WOW...
Does anyone ask a rabbi other than their own to check their bedikot? My rabbi is my age and he and his wife are friends with me and my husband. Obviously awkward, and difficult to do anonymously. Can I ask a rabbi from another shul to check when I have a shaila?
Sarahrivka - The rabbi I generally ask about my bedikot has that "privelege" because they are practically right next door to where I work (and therefore convenient to go to during a lunch break or something, so I can easily find out what I need to do) - I don't really view them as "my rav" in general (but I don't really have anyone who I do view as "my rabbi," which is another issue). Whoever you do plan to ask though, I'd make sure you establish some sort of relationship and be sure to mention relevant past patterns, personal issues, etc. to keep some continuity - this is really important if you do decide to go to someone else. Also- depending on how many q.s you have and how complicated they are, you may also feel uncomfortable asking somebody more 'random' about them.
There's usually someone (in many communities that have multiple Rabbis) who is considered the "specialist" in Taharat HaMishpacha shaylahs. The one other Rabbis refer you to if they can't answer your question. (More likely to happen if you have gynecological "issues" that make your bedikos tricky.) Find out if your city has one, and then it makes more sense to take shaylahs directly to him, if that works for you. Your friend the Rabbi certainly isn't going to come to you and say, "Don't you ever have T"H shaylahs? Why don't you bring them to me?" But no, I wouldn't think you'd have to take them to "your Rabbi."
Sararivka- I show my questionable bedikot to my father, which I think is probably the weirdest of all. But to him it is just an objective thing, tamei or tahor, and it doesn't go beyond that.
Avigayil -
If it were relevant, I could probably deal with *my* father, but we had to go searching for someone to ask shailos of because my FIL is one of the "experts" in town - and THAT I wasn't dealing with. None of his business.
I still remember squirming when DH mentioned it on a date when we were getting serious. (My only response was, "so what? he isn't answering MY shailos")
- LC
LC--
I totally hear that. I never thought about it the other way around. As for me, it may be weird at times, but you can't beat the convenience. I had too many experiences growing up where someone dropped spotted underwear through our mail slot, not knowing that my father would be away for two weeks. I had a shaila over the summer when my father was not in town, and it took our substitute Rav 2 1/2 days to get back to us.
Been there. Done that. Toiveled a day late each time until I learned better...........
I had the same thing...the first few months we were married, I (thought that I) wasn't getting a hefsek until day eight or nine. It took a couple of firm talking-tos from a rabbi to convince me that browns really could be OK, and a few shailahs before I could really recognize the particular shades of "OK" browns that I dealt with every single cycle. I was so particular about getting everything just right and not appearing stupid that I couldn't bring myself to ask about an "obviously wrong" (but really not) color.
Oh, and when I was learning and my kallak teacher and I were discussing colors, she said something along the lines of: "Red and black are not OK; browns you ask about; white and yellow are OK; green and blue are also OK, but you should probably talk to your doctor about that."