The Ripple Effect
On my way to the mikvah one month, I met the attendant heading over to open the building, and she said to me, "Wow, that’s amazing. I was just going to call you." Are you recruiting too? I asked, because the other two attendants had already approached me about whether I was willing to replace one of them (who is – you guessed it – about to give birth.) “No,” she said, “but there’s a woman in her ninth month who has to immerse in the mikvah tonight, and it’s a big segulah to immerse right after her.”
I'd never heard of this before. Just to clarify, I asked - You mean, you were going to call and see if I wanted to come and immerse, even if it wasn’t my time of the month to go? “Right,” she said, her eyes shining at this example of what she saw as Divine providence. “Isn't it amazing how things work out? You were coming here tonight anyway.”
Others might disagree with my definition, but to me, a “segulah” seems pretty much like a good luck omen. I don’t believe in segulahs. As a general rule. But it’s pretty clear from the context what the good luck omen must be FOR, yes? For getting pregnant. The attendant clearly thought of me because she’s seen me coming to the mikvah every month without pause for the past five years. And so, although we don’t know each other socially at all, it's obvious to her that I have not been pregnant once in that whole time.
I was so surprised by my reaction. My husband thought I would be upset that she approached me like that, upset that she broached a topic I’ve never brought up with her, upset that people are thinking about or talking about or pitying us. And I wasn’t, not at all. It’s the first time I’ve had any evidence that she noticed. I’ve wondered, for a long time, and although in the past the idea of the mikvah attendants feeling bad for me has made me cringe, lately I’ve been more amazed that no one seems to recognize it might be difficult for me to keep going back every month.
I’m not proud of it, but I have to admit that was part of my reaction when the other attendants asked if I was interested in working there: I thought, don’t you realize this is a painful place for me? For all I know they approached me for the same reason: just trying to think of a way to help me. Maybe they thought that if I give my time for the community in that way, if I make it possible for other women to conceive, perhaps Gd will finally reward me with a child too. I don't personally think it works in that neat measure-for-measure way, but who knows?
So on the whole I was touched by the gesture. And I think it helped that I’ve known her all this time, and she’s always been so discreet. I don’t have even a shred of concern that she’s gossiping about me. Just wishes she could help.
So I said thank you. And I didn’t make light of her belief in signs, or Divine arrangement of events, or immediate reward & punishment, or whatever it was. I tried to take it as a prayer on my behalf by all these other women -- just a prayer they had made more concrete. And I do believe that prayer counts with Gd, especially prayer coming from people more devout than I am. I tried to think about the woman who had immersed before me as I went under the water, although I didn’t quite know how to do that. Were there pregnant vibes emanating through the water, or what? I’ve been too cynical, for too long, to have any practice at this.
And there’s the rub. The mikvah attendant, when she approached me, had no idea why I’ve not been getting pregnant. It was a risk she took, in fact, because for all she knows I might have no uterus. And no amount of prayer or segulah would change that. In fact she was on target, and there is no reason anyone can come up with for why I’m infertile.
But in this case I’m pretty sure I ovulated before I went to mikvah, as I so often do. And it comes to the same thing: I don’t really believe in miracles, not blatant going-against-nature ones, not in this day and age. In my heart I didn’t believe any amount of prayer was going to get that egg back, and I certainly don’t believe that if my prayers and efforts to be a good person – to somehow deserve this pregnancy, if that's possible – have made no difference, what will finally do the trick will be a bit of symbolic theater.
I tried to believe, a little. But I think I failed.
As we found out two weeks later.
~ Anonymous
Comments
"It was a risk she took, in fact, because for all she knows I might have no uterus."
I was also wondering how she knew you wanted to become pregnant?
IME even when suggestions like this one misfire, they've been so well intentioned, that I've always been touched anyway.
Shlomit, you're absolutely right. I think in a right-wing Orthodox community like mine there's an assumption that people are not using birth control before their first child. It's an unwarranted assumption, as you point out; many people ask for and receive heterim, and some might even have made a private decision on their own conscience. She was lucky she turned out to be right.
Fran, that's an excellent point -- I'm already consulting with a rabbi, and I forget that there was a time when I didn't know how many halachic solutions there are for early ovulation.
For anyone else who is struggling with this problem: Nishmat has a pretty good article on "Halachic Infertility", as it's known, if you want to get an overview before you ask. But you should absolutely call a rabbi who specializes in infertility and find out what leniencies can be applied to you.
Briefly, I think these are the main options (if you're orthodox):
1) Make sure you can't get to mikvah earlier than you think. Many women wait too long to make a hefsek tahara, or they try one on Day 5 but throw it away, thinking that it has to have no color at all in order to be OK. It's crucial to show it to a Rav (and make sure to tell him you're having trouble getting pregnant!) before you assume you have a problem. These women will back me up.
2) Start shiva neki'im a day (or two?) early. You need a heter for this, but many women receive one. Unfortunately this is only an option if you can get a clean hefsek tahara earlier than Day 5 - it doesn't help women who have halachically verified long periods.
3) If you can't get to mikvah any earlier, try to postpone ovulation instead. This is done by tinkering hormonally with your cycle, using medications like Clomid or estrogen. I don't think you need much of a heter for this, but you do need to be under the care of a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Do not let your Ob/Gyn prescribe these things for you; there are risks which require careful monitoring and prior testing.
4) Perform artificial insemination (or in vitro fertilization) at the time of ovulation, before you go to mikvah. For this, you will obviously need to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but you will also definitely need a heter -- and it is not given by all rabbis. It's worthwhile to do your research before you ask.
I'd like to comment that option #3 in the above posting has been known to backfire: some women bleed on estrogen and clomid and go back into the niddah cycle (I spent 14 weeks niddah . . . lot's of fun. I almost killed my RE. And my husband.)
Also, in terms of #4, there are many rabbis who don't permit.
BTW, I am sure that the person in the main post knows this advice already (after 5 years, I'm sure she's looked into it carefully), but it is nice for people who are the beginning of the way.
"I think in a right-wing Orthodox community like mine there's an assumption that people are not using birth control before their first child"
I was thinking of birth control too, but even more simply, that even if there is infertility, people react to that differently. Some are prepared to adopt the attitude that if they have kids, they have them, but if not, that is the deal they were given. Everyone has different limits for how aggressively they want to pursue fertility treatments - or segulas! - some will want to go to greater lengths than others to be able to have their own child, and some people may not even want to go for fertility treatments at all.
A younger couple might think that even if there seems to be some fertility problem, at their age, they have time to wait and see if they have a child without treatment - they might even be somewhat relieved not to have children immediately if they weren't quite prepared for that - and make a decision about whether to pursue treatment much later than "expected."
I find that there's more than an assumption that people don't use birth control; there's also an assumption that everyone is equally unhappy when confronted with infertility issues or even childlessness. I think even among charedim, the natural response to that varies.
What a beautiful piece of writing. I especially love the way you wrote the last line. I am sad for your condition but admire your graciousness.
Oy, Anonymous, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You're right, obviously. Playing with your hormones can make you bleed unpredictably, just as it sometimes does when a kallah uses the birth control pill to just before her wedding, hoping to alter her cycle to avoid a chuppat niddah - she can wind up thoroughly niddah instead.
If someone out there is planning to try pushing off ovulation this way, it's a good idea to talk to a rabbi first (who's knowledgeable about infertility!) and find out if there are any leniencies that can keep you out of trouble, if you do end up staining. Maybe you might be told to do fewer bedikot, or not to wear white during shiva neki'im. And after mikvah, of course, the thing to do is wear black underwear and use very dark colored sheets, so you couldn't possibly see if you were staining. And never, ever, look at toilet paper. (You shouldn't be doing that anyway.)
But aside from backfiring, it can also just plain not work. Not everyone responds to hormones the same way, as you find if you progress further into fertility treatment. Although at that point there are medications that can be controlled more precisely than Clomid, which might help.
Shlomit, it's a good thing you said that, I'm so wrapped up in wishing for children that I might sometimes forget not everyone wants them as urgently. :) To be honest, I didn't mind niot having kids at all for the first couple of years. It was great to have that time for just the two of us.
And Jen, thanks so much for the nice words.
My, the segulot do seem to come out of the woodwork when you're infertile, don't they?
A good friend recently emailed to ask whether I wanted a woman she knows to bake something for me when she goes into labor. I didn't trust myself not to mock the idea, which would be unjust to both of them, so I just avoided the question.
But I wanted to say "If she wants to daven for me, that's wonderful, but I really don't think she needs to put the tefilah into a cake." I mean seriously. Don't women in labor have more important things to worry about than baking??
I feel for your pain. I would like to make a suggestion. Go to a Rav. If you know that you ovulate before Tevillah, I have known of instances of heterim playing with the 7 nikkim - done by a halachic authority - that would allow you to tovel in time for being able to conceive.
I hope this helps you in more ways that one.
Kol Tuv.