Attitudinal shift
The first year of observing t'h I truly believe brought me and my husband closer. We were starting to get into that married couple rut of being too tired to be intimate. We didn't seem to be as excited in each other, and t'h brought that back for us. Always affectionate, not being able to hold hands or touch became sort of a game. Then we started trying to have children. Now, I need those hugs. I need the hand-holding. I need the cuddling. It's no longer a game. I'm in a limbo stage where I can't start treatment just yet (probably about two months), but, as my doctor said, I'm "old." Every month when I get my period, I feel like that's x many eggs closer to being depleted. What if those were my last good eggs and next month's will be worthless?
Now, I get worked up about going to the mikvah. Our fertility problems aren't mine. At least not yet. We haven't officially started any treatments yet, so we're assuming my systems are a "go". The stress of wondering if that's true is starting to wear on me, though. And that stress always rears its head at mikvah time.
I'm not a deep person, or particularly profound. I appreciate things for what they are, and don't go looking for the deeper meaning. As long as I know it all came from G-d, that's good enough for me. Oh, don't get me wrong - I enjoy discussion. I was excited about this blog, because I loved observing t'h, and participating in a spiritual ritual that's been observed by women for thousands of years. I get chills when I read about/see pictures of mikva'ot on Masada, or uncovered by archeologists at a tell dig. That amazes me. I was looking forward to writing about that, the highs of observing t'h, while recognizing the occasional temporary lows.
But these days it all makes me sad. Even though I know I can't start treatments for a few months, even though I know there's no chance of me getting pregnant, I get depressed when I get my period. And all I want is comfort - to be held - from my husband, during the one time when I can't have it.
This seems to be a common theme. Infertility and the mikvah. Sucks.
Comments
Just want to send you hugs during a hard time.
"During the one time when I can't have it." EXACTLY.
I think it's nice, on the whole, that T"H sexualizes any touch between you and your husband, no matter how small. It gives even casual contact an electricity that it probably otherwise wouldn't retain, after people were married for a while.
But when someone is suffering, then I really wish there was a way to distinguish between sexual contact, and contact that's just about affection and support. And when you're infertile (which I truly hope you're not, fB) and you need comfort for the very same reason that you can't have it... it's really hard to understand.