backrubs...
So, I've been sick on and off for a while (I have fibromyalgia but that's a whole other issue), and this current bout of sickness causes me to cough almost uncontrollably for 20-30 minutes at a stretch. Say I've finally fallen asleep on the couch for a short nap after working two jobs, kallah class, and attempting to finalize this wedding. After about 10 minutes of sleep let's say I start coughing uncontrollably for at least 10 minutes. Now, let's imagine df (ignoring negiah issues) comes over and puts a warm hand on my (clothed, about 4 layers, it's winter still in NYC) back and gently rubs in an attempt to stop the coughing. It works quickly and well enough for me to down some cough syrup and fall back to a somewhat restful short nap before I head home.
Oh, minor detail, I'm niddah at this time.
How bad is that? I'm most obviously not the sexiest thing on the planet as I'm spluttering and coughing and oozing from every direction possible. It wasn't a life or death situation (actually excessive coughing does amazing things for the abs)... Neither of us thought about it. It wasn't until a day or so later later that I said "hmm.. I niddah, we probably shouldn't have done that". To which he agreed and we said oh well and we moved on.
Later we spoke more about it and both agreed that this was the best course of action for that point in time. It could've been a kitten curled up on my back for all I cared.. I just wanted my body to calm down enough to try to stop the coughing. That it was his hand, yes, I would be absurd to say it didn't mean anything, but at that point in time, quite honestly it didn't. In the future will we follow this same course of action? I can't say as I really don't know.
But I feel still a bit weird about it. I can't really say why or in which direction I feel weird.
Comments
my main concern was the points that you, anon, just raised. It's not life or death, and b"H I wasn't critically ill, but it helped tremendously. or if, c"v my dh lost a parent, a hug would help. It's not sexual in the manner it's given, and not something that would raise either of us to arousal, but something that I believe two close friends (of either or same gender) would do for each other.
I shouldn't have posted it as such because I write poorly and it's quite obvious that the point I am trying to raise was missed. I'll keep that in mind if I post in the future.
But there's a fine line between "not sexual in the manner it's given" and sexual... Having been tahor when my husband lost a grandparent, let me tell you, that hug turned into far more, and it was a way of giving and getting comfort that was available to us. (I think for an actual parent, it doesn't matter if you're tahor... you have to act as if you are niddah for at least the week of shiva, because comfort in that form isn't appropriate then.) Husband and wife relate to each other in a sexual way... their "close friendship" is a sexual one, and in a way, there's no such thing as casual touch in such a relationship.
Maybe we should distinguish between touch that qualifies as (prohibited) negiah and touch that doesn't? As in, taking someone's pulse (assuming you know what to do with that information) isn't negiah. If I am walking with my husband in public and start to trip and fall, I'm going to grab for the nearest thing to stop my fall, and if that's him, so be it, public or no, niddah or no. But that's not technically negiah... Nor is saving a member of the opposite sex from drowning. Doctor/patient touching is not. A hug, however, is. A backrub is. Holding hands while skating (even with thick gloves on) is.
In a husband/wife relationship, especially where you're used to the give and take of T"H, touching almost always means something besides comfort... and marital relations can sometimes offer nothing more than that same comfort, as the previous commenter noted. There are ways to offer comfort without touching, and sometimes that may be the most appropriate.
I know of many newborn studies showing the power of touch, but that only proves it does mean something. No, the babies aren't having sexual feelings from it, but they are getting the personal connection from touch... and between husband and wife, that personal connection has more depth to it than in other relationships that can and do stop at a casual hug.
Oops, that part about acting as if niddah during shiva was actually incorrect. Details here but basically, it's only intercourse itself that's forbidden. Sorry about that!
When you're not married and not having intercourse, that kind of touch may or may not be a big deal, but what about when you're married?
Umm, maybe I'm late to the game, but what does niddah matter if you aren't married yet?
But, yeah, this is one thing about which I've wondered regarding t.h. Shouldn't a spouse help an ill partner? And shouldn't a spouse comfort a bereaved partner? Does the assistive back rubbing of the ill woman or the hugging of the husband who just lost a parent really have to be disallowed?
Thanks.