Continued Uncertainty
I still don't know whether I am niddah. As of when Shabbat started, there was still only a little bit of spotting. Late Friday night I got frustrated and did a bedikah, thinking that it would probably be red and I could at least have the closure of knowing my status. Nope...brown, and not clearly a particular yellowish-brown shade that I know is okay. No particulary reddish spots either, and a few bits of very dark brown that could be problematic. So...we slept on separate beds, but in the morning we still exchanged a brief kiss. I did another bedikah (don't ask me why, since there was no reason to do so that I can see) and it was just as confusing as the one from last night. The spotting was practically nonexistent during the day, and we hugged a couple of times, though we did nothing more than that. At no point did I say to mysef or to my husband, "I am niddah." Shabbat is over and I'm still getting only little bits of brown dribbles. If I hadn't done those bedikot, I coud probably conclusively say that I'm not niddah...but I did them, they're there, and I have to deal with this in-between-ness now.
I don't generally bring T"H shailot to the rabbi of our shul; I've heard through the grapevine that he's not the best person to go to with those things, and besides I prefer to keep this area of my life separate from my shul life in general. We are privileged to live in a community where that separation is possible (multiple rabbis in our city), but of course the rabbi I usually go to with these questions was not easily reachable on Shabbat. I couldn't get in touch with him shortly after Shabbat this evening either (I don't have his home number....hmmm....maybe time for a new T"H rabbi?) so I'm still unsure of my status. And mad at myself for (what feels like) squandering my ast few days of not being niddah. And frustrated with my indecisive uterus.
UPDATE as of Sunday noon-ish: Asked a shaila. I'm not niddah. I shouldn't have done the bedikot, but they were OK anyway. Got a bit of conversation out of it too, some of which I appreciated (explaining why the bedikot were OK) and some of which I smiled politely at (stories about women who were told by their doctors they couldn't conceive and then did, stuff about Chana's prayers being answered, etc.). I truly appreciate that he took the time to sit with me and that he was trying to make me feel better, but really all I wanted to do was run back out to the car and kiss my husband.
Comments
Michaela, I'm sorry that I couldn't weigh in earlier. One of the things that was stressed when I learned TM was NEVER EVER do a bedikah unless you are told to. Spotting even bright red usually won't make you a niddah, but a bedikah is the quickest way to become one unnecessarily. I usually start my period with a full flow as opposed to people who get some spotting first, but the times that I have had initial spotting were nice, I used it as a way to say "goodbye" to my husband.
Also, I have been on progesterone both to sustain early pregnancies, and as birth control while I was nursing (this is a post in itself) and let me tell you, it does crazy, crazy things to some women's bodies.
I second all that, Avigayil. Michaela, I'm so glad this ended up all right, but please don't do any more bedikot! :) I know that the progesterone is supposed to bring on your period, so you might assume any staining you see is the beginning of that.
But I also know someone who was on the progesterone-only birth control pill, and she stained pretty much continuously. It was a huge ordeal getting through shiva neki'im, obviously, but once she managed that, she was told to just wear dark underwear and never ever look. Even though everyone knew the staining was still there.
I guess we get lucky sometimes that medicine and halacha don't exactly match up!
Just offering solidarity here... I know I've heard many times the "don't do a bedikah unless a Rav tells you to" (unless we're talking a time you would normally do one, such as a "vest" day or trying for a hefsek taharah, during the sheva neki'im, etc.) and "don't check the toilet" and "don't look at your toilet paper..." but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally do it anyway! I had one really annoying cycle that I think I'll just post about.
Hope you find that Rav... I probably need a new one too, since otherwise I have an hour drive each way or have to post shaylahs by US MAIL, with no way of knowing he's not on vacation or something. I still call him with the kinds of questions that can be answered over the phone, though.