Huh?
I have a very long cycle. Like I average a 38 day cycle. And I have spent most of the last four years either pregnant or nursing clean, so I have not been in Niddah often.
As a result I have difficulty with the calendar and need a review every 6 months or so. And I have difficulty with the harchokos. I was married for a number of years before I got pregnant, so there I was with my (average) 38 day cycle, and I'm telling you by the time I got my period each month, I couldn't remember from one cycle to the next what the halachas were.
Frequently the following is heard in my house:
"Oops, I wasn't supposed to pass you that."
"Um, what do I need to put on the table between us? A vase? Oh, right, I forgot."
"Wait, I can't sit on your bed when you're home, but I can sit on your bed when you're not home?"
"I left your plate of food on the counter - and no, it's not because I'm angry, I just can't serve you."
"Can you please get me a glass of water, oh scratch that."
It can get frustrating especially with small kids and ESPECIALLY on a holiday like Purim. I wish that there was an easier way, but I can see now that the harchokos are there for a reason, and that absence (from touch) is making my heart grow fonder. Erev Purim I could have REALLY used a hug from my husband. And because he couldn't give me one made me want one all the more so.
A long cycle also screws up the calendar. I recall once having 10 haflagos that I was carrying over every month. It got to the point that every month I put my haflagos on the calendar in a different colored pencil, just so I could keep track of which haflagos were from this cycle and which were being carried over from a previous cycle. I just had a highly irregular cycle and didn't pass all those haflagos until I got pregnant. And with that many haflagos I would get my period and not pass the haflagos and still have to seperate. I once was supposed to go to the mikvah on a Wednesday which was Tisha B'Av. So it was pushed off to the next day. But I had a carry-over haflago from the previous cycle that thursday. So I called the Rov and he told me I had to push it off to the next day. Which put me on Friday night. And I asked the Rov? I push it off onto Shabbos? I thought we can't push things off onto shabbos (i.e. a late bris). And he told me nope, I should go on Friday night.
So now that I'm getting my period, and not getting pregnant (see my previous entry for details), I have to start all over again with the caledar and the halachos. I see it's time to call my kallah teacher for a refresher course. I once heard that it's good to have a review at least once a year. And I can't agree more. When I was pregnant with my last child I took a review course and discovered that I had been counting one of my onahs wrong. Oy, yo, yo, was I upset. But at least I wasn't counting my five and seven wrong. That would have been far, far worse.
Anyway, my point behind all this is to encourage people to feel good and relaxed and not embarassed, CHV'S, about taking refresher courses. They help everyone out.
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Bless you for being that woman today, Desde, I was just starting to hyperventilate. (What?? WHAT?!?)
That sounds unbelievably confusing, Vasser. Good luck to you.
Desde, Just wondering what you mean by "optional halacha." I mean, I know what a chumra (usually translated stringency) is, and I know what a minhag (tradition) is. Halacha sometimes has different interpretations. I also realize in some non-Orthodox denominations there might be "optional halacha." But from an Orthodox perspective, I was always under the impression that halacha, by definition, is not "optional."
Sorry, bad choice of words. I think I should have written "optional observance." I confused myself by first calling it a halacha ("That was the halacha...") when I meant observance, so then I continued to call it that when I said it was optional! Thanks for correcting me, so I don't confuse too many others.
May I translate that "optional observance" to its more common term - minhag.
And Vasser, I can only *begin* to commiserate; I remember being panicked as a kallah and asking "but what if one of those carry over days overlaps my next cycle? or mikvah?" and the kallah teacher was completely confused as to WHAT I was trying to ask. I spent a good few minutes explaining about highly irregular cycles - sometimes 2-1/2 months between - until she realized that WAS what I meant.
Luckily, it mostly regulated itself (presto, chango) once I was married - and they say living with another woman regulates your cycle. HAH!
please, translate away... I wasn't clear on whether it was minhag or chumrah, and I already confused myself momentarily there when I called it a halacha, so I wasn't about to presume any more! "Observance" works, "practice" works, but minhag is probably the most accurate term. Thank you.
I sympathize about the long cycle, but hang in there.
I am a little confused by what you mean by all those haflagos, but in any case here is some info which might be helpful. I believe there is a category called veset chatzi kavua, where if your cycle is after 32 days three months in a row, you do not need to keep the veset hachodesh (hebrew date) or onah beinonit (30 days). This means you only have to be concerned about your veset haflaga. However, this is uprooted after one cycle not three.
Also, what do you mean all those haflagos carried over from previous cycles? For haflaga you average out the last two cycles. It sounds like you might be doing more than necessary. Take a look at Deena Zimmerman's new hilchot niddah book or talk to a Rav or one of the Nishmat yoatzot.
Finally, I have been enjoying the site. Kol Hakavod!
As mentioned in previous comments - "all those haflagos carried over from previous cycles" is a minhag, definitely Chassidic, not sure if it applies to all groups, but I know Lubavitch holds this way.
And I have never heard of "veset chatzi kavua" - can you provide sources discussing this? (English books are fine, I'm not necessarily asking for *original* sources).
Carrying over haflagos! Thank you! That was the halacha that the teacher of a shuir tried to explain, and some of us had never heard of, and one woman stopped her and reassured us that this was an optional halacha and if we weren't already doing it, we didn't have to. (*Huge sigh of relief!* It sounds horrid. I mean, really difficult.)
I had a similar thing happen, where I had staining at 14 days, was niddah all over again after going to mikvah and having one night together, and the second time that month I was scheduled to go to mikvah fell on the night before a day (day of the month, I think) onah from the previous cycle... and we keep the or zarua's onah, ie the onah before whenever the calculations come out to. I called the Rav... and he told me to go to mikvah that night.
And then I was all confused which cycle I was counting from, the "real" period or the spotting/staining which was enough to make me niddah, but not a "real" flow. That one month I was so confused! and counted from both. Probably I should have asked about that too, though.
I agree, refresher courses should be given (and taken) regularly!