Mayim Rabim

This is a very powerful post. Kol HaKovod for your ability to inject sprituality into a very physical mitzvah.

My totally unsolicited advice is:
* I think if possible, you can ask for a different mikvah lady. Speak to the Rabbi/Rebbetzin of this mikvah and ask for different arrangements. Either for a different mikvah lady, or a different system (ie you just leave a message that you need to toivel on XX night at XX time and then they make sure there is a mikvah lady there). You could alternately find a mikvah lady you like and ask her to come with you when you need (your mikvah should allow this, apparently they did for the person after you). You shouldn't toivel with someone who makes you hurry your prep or makes you feel uncomfortable in anyway. You need to feel safe, secure, and happy when you go to the mikvah.
* I would ask a Rov highly skilled in TH about possibly counting less days (I've seen Rabbonim who allow it) and you should make sure you send a HT on day five (even if you think it's not okay), explaining to the Rov that you ovulate early.
* You can speak to your regular OBGYN (you don't a fertility specialist) about giving you meds to push ovulation off/extend your cycle (ie progesterone and then clomid).

Kuzo, I don't know if you feel ready to get pregnant again yet - if your essays are being written in real time, then your loss is very fresh. But if you are ready, Vasser is right, there are many things you could try to solve the problem of early ovulation. There's a brief rundown in the comments here.

Do your doctor and rabbi both know that you are ovulating before mikvah? It's a serious problem, but certainly an approachable one, and I'm sure they would want to help.

Thank you both for your supportive comments and advice. Although this time around that particular mikvah lady was much kinder to me, I am aware how the "wrong" attendant can put a negative spin on the evening. I am seeking the help of a posek in hopes that I will be allowed to toivel earlier in my cycle. He also expressed concern that if mikvah is too much a focus of yiriah for me & not enough of ahavah that this can affect my ability to conceive or hold a pregnancy. I honestly do not know if I am emotionally ready to get pregnant again, as much as I long for it. It is just that I am older & we do not want to put it off in case we miss our chance. It is a crushing situation to be in. I saw a frum friend at a bat mitzvah yesterday and asked for her advice. She had her first at 40 and her second at 42, with no medical intervention. She suggested the following:

Pray for other couples having difficulty (I already do)
Take temperature & mucus readings daily (I already do)
Buy an ovulation prediction kit
Get a heter to toivel early enough to conceive (in process)
Take Robitussin the days leading up to & during ovulation
Lie on the left side after intercourse
Do acupuncture (they insert the needles in your perineum)

My ob/gyn is my age and is not concerned yet that we will be childless, G-d forbid.

That's quite a list your friend gave you. I was certainly with you on the 1st 4. but what is robitussin supposed to do? or lying on your left side? and that acupuncture sounds horrendous. I've never heard of such a thing!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'll pray for you to conceive a healthy baby.

Robitussin does not only loosen mucus in your sinuses and throat when you are ill, it loosens all mucus in the body, including cervical mucus. Many women report they can not conceive until they use Robitussin, as it allows sperm to more easily travel into the uterus.
I am not sure how lying on the left side is beneficial, but it is probably a traditional Chinese medicine or yogic practice. My friend is frum, but not cloistered.
The perineal acupuncture is not surprising to me, but I hope to not have to resort to it. At least a woman performs it...

...and todah rabah for your prayers. May G-d hear you.

Aby, here's a link explaining why some women take Robitussin when trying to conceive. It's anecdotal but might work, and it doesn't hurt to try. The only thing to be careful of is that it doesn't say phenylpropanolamine in the ingredients, because that has been linked to stroke in women. Robitussin CF used to have this ingredient - hopefully they have removed it by now, but it's best to check.

There are several small studies and one or two big ones that suggest acupuncture could improve fertility. One thing it might do is to increase blood flow to the uterus lining, which could help sustain a pregnancy. Yes, it sounds alarming, but women who are in fertility treatment have to get used to needles anyway...

I've never heard of lying on your side either. The standard advice is to lie on your back with your hips elevated.

Kuzo, I wish many things for you, from healing of your spirit to a healthy baby when you are ready. And I very much respect your hope to achieve this without medical intervention. I wish that could be the case for ALL of us.

The only thing I would suggest to you is that, if you are older than 35 and have been trying to conceive more than 6 months, you might want to consider having your Cycle Day 3 hormone levels tested. That can give you a good idea of the "age" of your ovaries. If they are beginning to show signs of slowing down, that might cause you to reevaluate how long you plan to try on your own.

I'm concerned about this because you say you are ovulating before mikvah regularly (although I would encourage you to confirm this with ovulation predictors - the temperature method is really not precise enough to pinpoint a day). This certainly happens to younger women too, but it can sometimes be associated with elevated FSH, which is the hormone used to predict ovarian reserve.

I don't want to scare you, or undermine your bitachon in any way. I just want to protect you. I would hate for you to be disappointed again.

Thank you for your advice, eden. We conceived 3 months after we began trying for a baby, so my ob/gyn felt that was a good sign. So my body knows how to get pregnant, but to be honest, I would rather never conceive again, G-d forbid, than carry a child only a few months again, G-d forbid. The miscarriage, even though it completed on its own, thank G-d, was physically and emotionally horrific.
I'll talk to my doctor.

Well, I hope robitussin works better for women who are trying to conceive than it does when I have a cough.

Eden - thanks for the links about acupuncture. There does seem to be some evidence that it could help. enough to warrant further research. but I agree with the article that says that the only major study was really inconclusive due to low pregnancy rates in the control group. If the typical success rate is 50%, then both the 26% in the controls and 42% in the acupuncture group are low. I wonder if that's because the people who are willing to enroll in such a study are the ones who are most desperate and have the lowest chances of success. However, there certainly doesn't seem to be any harm in trying it. unless of course the very idea of such a thing would cause you to faint or become hysterical.

I've also heard of lying on your back with hips up. no idea if it actually helps. but I'd sure choose that over acupuncture! :-)

I understand that since we do not really know the actual shape & size of the back of our vaginal walls or the position of our cervixes (which change during our cycles), then the hips-elevated position is not always effective. Apparently semen can end up sitting behind the cervical os if our pelvises are tipped too far back. Better to lie flat with bent knees. But then again, everybody is different, and nothing we can do to manipulate our bodies will bring us healthy children if G-d has closed our wombs. Just give tzedekah & pray...

Kuzo - I've spent a day wondering what I can say to your comment of "I would rather never conceive again, G-d forbid, than carry a child only a few months again" to make you feel better. but the truth is that when my doctor thought I was going to miscarry during my last pregnancy, there was nothing that anyone said that made me feel in the least bit better. Thank G-D doctors don't know everything, and I now have a healthy baby.
I completely agree with your statement, but I'm sure your doctor's told you that the vast majority of miscarriages are complete flukes and won't occur again. and nothing you've said here indicates that you should have any future problems. I certainly have friends who've had babies in their late 30's and even early 40's.

Thanks, AbyBelibi, and mazal tov on your baby. I, however, had a nightmare last night that I suffered two miscarriages close together, so now I feel that the next time I get pregnant it will be doomed. Especially since my dreams are prophetic - I dreamt I would have a miscarriage a few months ago while I was still pregnant.

"Especially since my dreams are prophetic"

Always, like this is something you've experienced before? Or this time it happened that way? Because a certain female relative of mine does sometimes have prophetic dreams... and sometimes they're way off. When she called me to insist I was three months pregnant with triplets, and I wasn't pregnant at all with any number of babies, she didn't want to believe me.

So I have two points to make:

1. Even those who "dream true" still have occasional dreams that are just dreams

and

2. Prophecy is only a prediction, and doesn't control the outcome. (Think of the story of "Jonah and the Whale") Prayer and tzedakah can annul any decree, as long as G-d agrees, of course.

I wish you well, Kuzo, and may you never again suffer the pain of miscarriage... and may you have the strength to deal with whatever Hash-m sends your way. (You should only know from blessing! but sometimes blessings take strength to deal with too.)

Kuzo, I was so saddened to hear of your loss. I don't know if this piece of information will be relevant, but thought I'd throw it out there anyway... I have a friend who (G-d have mercy on us all) lost one baby at 6 months gestation: she went in one day for a normal check and they found no heartbeat; and then she lost her second within days of birth... the baby just stopped breathing, while they were both still in the hospital. After they discovered she had gestational diabetes and treated her for it, she went on to (Baruch Hash-m) have healthy children. Might be worth testing for early on next time... it certainly couldn't hurt!

Wishing you many healthy children, carried to term!

Miriam, that's a bizarre story (though I'm very glad she was helped in the end!) Women are routinely tested for gestational diabetes between weeks 24 and 28 of pregnancy. I guess this might have been just too late for the baby lost at 6 months, but I can't imagine how she could have gone all the way to term without anyone knowing she had GD.

In this country women are routinely tested, but apparently not in Israel. (I know her because I used to live near her parents and was a frequent Shabbos guest at their house. After she was married she moved to Israel, but I'm still in touch with the family.) And she needed her blood sugars controlled far earlier than 24-28 weeks. For her third pregnancy, I think she came back here to be "better managed," and her doctor was testing her early for everything, to try and prevent (sucessfully!) another tragedy... and Baruch Hash-m found the GD.

Thank you all for your wishes, blessings prayers. I appreciate and need them very much. I know my situation could have been worse, like your friend, Miriam, and I feel gratitude to G-d it was not. My miscarriage was in the first trimester, completed itself in a short time and my life or health were never threatened: for all these things I am grateful to Hashem. However, my husband and I wanted this baby very much and instead we buried a two inch long little person Rosh Chodesh Adar I. There is nothing so contradictory as a dead bud which never had the chance to blossom. My heart is still broken over it and this has changed my experience of mikvah 180 degrees.