Mayim Rabim

"Oh it was you" sighed the exacerbated voice on the other end of the line. "Yes", I replied. Ok, to be fair let me back up a bit, like four or five days..

I had been neglecting to call the mikveh. Well, not exactly neglecting. I just didn't know what time to call... working hours? my working hours or working hours for a mikveh. Well, finally a few days before I decided to call during regular business hours. After navigating my way through a long phone tree I discovered kallahs were supposed to call 10 days in advance. I still wasn't quite sure when I was supposed to call, so I called back and tried a different navigation route.. aah, business hours were when the mikveh was open, until 10. That night I called. A very exacerbated voice responded and said she was very busy (I could hear receipts printing in the background), I said of course and hung up. Half an hour later I called back and explained who I was (a kallah) and that I'd like to use the mikveh. Her voice turned completely sing-songy and she was very kind and told me to be there at a certain time, with the mikveh opening 25 minutes before that. And she named a price.

Great! I took off early from work as prelude (none of my colleagues could understand why I came in at all) and started getting ready. I tried to get a pedicure with just buffing and the woman threw me out of the nail salon after I said I would pay $20 for it. I still don't understand what went wrong, but there was a miscommunication of some kind. All I was asking really was "just don't put on nail polish please".. I really just want for you to cut my toenails. I don't bend well enough to get them (tight hamstrings).

So, I saved a bunch of money and had a super long bath instead. I cut my own toes and pumiced. I checked the rest of my body and spent a very long time flossing. I really hate the flossing part. My teeth are quite bad and it's very difficult to floss. But I did it.

So, I walked to the mikveh arriving 10 minutes after it was to open. There was a young girl their (with shaitel) looking very nervous and standing there taking off nail polish. She said, no it wasn't open yet. So we wait outside (it was warm, but not that warm). An older woman comes in and starts complaining that it's not open yet. "When <so and so> was working, it was fine, I understood, but now she's not"... and she went on and on... another woman came in (I have no idea her role) and she started in. Then more and more mikveh users started waiting. Finally 5 minutes AFTER my "appointment" the woman with the key shows up. B"H! We all say. I was worried something had happened.

So, we all file in and go to the receptionist desk. There are about 10 women there as we troop there and another 5 showed up in the next 30 seconds. She was grouchy. They took checks (by auto-deducting from your account) or cash or credit. Oh, I missed saying -- the lobby was nicer than any hotel I've been in. I've not been in lots of very nice hotels, but I have walked through lobbies. It was gorgeous beyond my imagination... especially after the mikveh I converted in...

I look around. Lots of women looked eager and frustrated at the same time. A woman about 12 behind me said, "What? There's a line already?" I look up to see when last showers and baths are. And when the mikveh closes. Next to it is a big sign: Nails should be cut short. If you have a problem with this please speak to the attendant. I file that piece of information away and start looking at my really short nails.

I snap back to reality, it's my turn to pay. She (the poor woman who was over 30 minutes late and was the only one with a key to open it) hurriedly asks me what I need and I blurt out bath, followed seconds later ... I meant shower! Oh, and a pack of cloths.. Please? What kind? She asks. Oy! That I have choices? I just grab whatever and show it to her. She rings me up and it's significantly less than the number I had been quoted on the phone.. The line gets larger (I think it's growing exponentially) so I just give up and give her a check. And then it had problems going through the machine, so as I look to see how much cash I have or if I remembered to bring a credit card (though I'd prefer an electronic payment so I can track it) it goes through.

She hands me my receipt, "Room 42" she says (number changed, but there is a 42 there).

I go through the door and look for my room. Here comes the fun part.

WOW. It's a bit bigger than my apartment's bathroom (which is 7'x7'). It's beautifully tiled. There's a bathtub and toilet and anything i could desire on the immaculate sink. I just stood a few minutes taking it all in.

Then came a voice, "42, 42?" Yes... "Please lock your door" Which one? "Both". Is that better? "Yes".

WOW. It has an intercom system and buttons and lights!

<flashback to conversion mikveh. The room I was in looked like a public toilet stall. it was dirty, I don't even think it had a place to sit. The head for shaitels was on a shelf above my head. There was a full length mirror, I need to give it that>

Ok. So, I figured I paid for a bath, I should at least soak my feet a bit. So I do... and then I shower. Brush teeth again. Check nails. Pee. Check nails again. Get out scissors and start snipping. Not obsessively (I'm proud of myself) but things that were definitely hanging off. I look at the clock. I'm bored. So I ring for an attendant. Wait, immediately cancel that. Pee again. Ring and wait.

She comes in and points to the clock and says that I have over 15 minutes to wait.

"I'm a kallah" I start to explain.

She ponders this a second, probably not sure to believe me or not. "Why don't you have the kallah suite?" I said I called only a few days before not the 10 they asked for because I didn't know. I said I was told to come at a certain time and I was here and the rush, this was the room I was given. It's gorgeous!

I wanted to tell her about where I've been before. B"H all women should have such choice and freedom to use mikveh.

"B'seder" she decides. She is wearing a white doctor's coat (I discover later because of the pockets).

She moves some of my clothing off of a bench and points to the toilet. "Sit".

Ok. She starts by asking my who my kallah teacher was. When I did my h"t, if I did my bedikot, if I brushed my teeth, had lice, etc etc. She was a bit annoyed h"t was a day and a week before I was at mikveh, but as a kallah "I could choose when most convenient". Actually, without a calendar I couldn't tell you what day I did it. I couldn't even tell you what day of the week it was that night. I had guessed. I really had actually done the h"t the week exactly before my mikveh visit.

Whew. I passed. She lays a towel on her lap and takes my hand. She starts looking at my nails. "Your kallah teacher taught you well. You did very good preparations". I smiled. She had such a calming mame air about her. I wanted to take her home with me and have her bake me chocolate chip cookies. Ok, back to my nails. She trimmed a bit of skin on my dominant hand. She had seen my scissors out. I told her I tried but I just couldn't do any better. She said it was beautiful. She says so many people come in very dirty and nails in such disarray, I was a pleasure.

Then she got to my feet. Apparently my big toe nails needed some filing because the nail bed was a bit rough. Oops! But she fixed it and said they looked really nice.

She left to make sure everything was ready and because we needed to kill some more time until skia. What's 5 minutes?

Well, I was bored as anything. I paced the room, I started obsessing over my ears and belly button which have been cleaning twice daily for 3 days so I wouldn't forget. I peed again. I waited. She finally knocked.

And started leading me to the mikveh.

The mikveh was beautiful as well. Clean water. She explained what I needed to do, and pointed to how the brachah and yehi ratzon were posted on the wall. I said that was nice, but without my glasses I could barely see the steps. She suggested I put them in the pocket of my robe and held out her hands to take it and shut her eyes.

<flashback to conversion: before the beis din asked me my final questions in acceptance of mitzvot and judaism I was wearing the robe in the water. Standing there also (where they could actually see ALL of me given how that mikveh was set up) was a girl who converted a few minutes before (we were questioned together), her future mother-in-law, and a rebbetzin. The beis din, for tznius purposes was behind a wall and could only see my head. They needed the rebbetzin to assure them that my tevilot were kosher. I'm still not sure why the girl and her fMIL were there, but I was concentrating on something MUCH more important, I really didn't think to ask them to leave. Though it did bother me that they could see ME. Naked me. When the other girl toiveled, I stayed in my little bathroom. I listened, I heard splashing, but for all I knew she did not convert and they just made it sound like it. What she did was between her and Hashem. Who was I to watch? Anyway, I digress>

She directed me to where I needed to go. I moved a bit away from the wall. I did a practice one. Beautiful. Then came the real one.

"Kosher."

She handed me a washcloth and helped me through the brachah.

She said she had turned around and I should throw the washcloth back at her. I missed and it sunk into the depths of the mikveh.

She asked me to go again.

"Too fast".

"Kosher".

I had to swim to find the washcloth before I stumbled through yehi ratzon. Which, I don't know as well without a siddur or the words in front of me. I was effectively blind to whatever was posted on the wall. I think I'm going to write out and laminate everything so I can have it in front of me (it should float) and then I'll pronounce things much better. This time I got smart and put the washcloth somewhere I could reach it.

Number three: "Kosher"

She asked me to daven for 2 people to get married soon. I added some silent prayers of my own.

She asked me to wait before I started up the stairs. "Ready".

I realized why as I looked up. She was holding the robe over her eyes so she couldn't see me. How tzniusdik!!!

<flashback to conversion: the rebbetzin had watched me walk out of the mikveh in all my dripping naked newly jewish glory. then she handed me a towel and reminded me to wash. That bothered me. BTW she (conversion mikveh attendant) appeared very frum, I know the beis din, they are. Perhaps she was looking for chatzitzot that she hadn't so carefully checked before? I don't know. But I felt very uncomfortable.>

I drip into the robe and rush to put on my glasses. She wishes me a very hearty "Mazel Tov" and hopes to see me again soon. And I thank her very much for her kindness.

I get dressed. Walk through the drying rooms (I rarely to never blow dry my hair, plus I'm wearing a hat which incidentally covers all of my hair.). I exit.

I get outside and call my chosson. He sounds happy. He was very happy that I was surprised at how gorgeous the mikveh was. He is very happy to hear me happy and knows now that I won't be so stressed. I had been trying to stay away from pens all week. I look at them and they explode on me.

I walk a bit more and realize there was a message on my cell phone. It's from the mikveh at a half hour after my sheduled appointment time. She said "it's the mikveh, has anything changed? please call". And at that point I realized they had made an appointment for me. I thought she had said it opened at a certain time and she suggested i come 25 minutes later so that it wasn't the opening rush nor would I be really late and deal with those stressed.

So I continue walking and dial the number. Someone had chosen that line and was trying to dial out. I hung up.

After another block I call again. the exacerbated voice answered. I get what was written in my intro and she was really frustrated. I explained that there was a rush of many women and they were all frustrated and she was flustered and I was flustered and unsure what was going on so I just paid and took "any room"

Any room? that was a spa I wanted to shout at her. I explained that I didn't realize they were making a kallah room just for me. I misunderstood the setup when I had called. I told her how beautiful and clean my "any room" was. She was annoyed, and justifiably so, but just wished me mazel tov and hung up.

I felt really badly about it and sent a short note and a small donation. They did take the time to set up a kallah room for me. I'm very sad that I couldn't enjoy it. If any old room was that luxurious, I cannot imagine what the kallah suite looked like. May our daughter(s) have the luxury.

I feel badly for her. She must have a very difficult position sitting at that desk after a long day of doing who knows what. I tried to be as kind and pleasant to her as I could. I was very nice to the attendant who helped me check for chatzitzot and was shomer to my tevilah. But everyone talks about being kind to the mikveh attendant. [begin soapbox] Please, be nice to the women at the front desk, cleaning the rooms, etc. It can't be an easy job. Just smile at them, please and thank you. Yes, I know you are stressed and eager to be with your husbands again. You may have had to er, "go to the grocery store" in order to go to mikveh. Kvetching (bikering) about someone being late to open the mikveh does not help anything. Try smiling at it. Hashem has the plan. Let's live it. And may the temple be speedily rebuilt in our days. [/end soap box]

Bli neder, I will try to post about the rest of my adventures soon. I have other more important things to do now...

"Yes dear?" ... he says I've been on the computer too long (yes it is a long post). "One more minute?" Toda. Ok, really fast: Thank you and yasher koach to Shanna and everyone who is a regular contributor or a guest and everyone who commented and will comment. You make this time much easier for me and my bashert (soulmate). It's a wonderful community and I'm very thankful to be a part of it. "I'll be right there..."