Mayim Rabim

Talia, I wish I had good advice for you. It's hard sometimes, it really is. I hope that with time he will feel it was worth the sacrifices involved.

But it may also take some effort to learn each other's rhythms, to anticipate when one or the other of you will be having an especially hard time. On those days you can go out of your way to be extra sympathetic or affectionate or patient or reassuring. This will probably come more and more naturally the longer you're married.

Maybe you can even think of something to do - a personal little message or ritual - that will let him know you're counting down the days till you can be together again (after all, you ARE!) and that you're looking forward to it as much as he is.

But the other thing that helps, I think, is to know how common it is to feel this way! I know that's part of the comfort of Mayim Rabim for me. Maybe the husbands need their own website where they can grumble about it? ;)

Oh, I forgot one more thing: distraction never hurts! You could encourage him to get out of the house, go do something with the guys those last few evenings.

thanks eden... "go do something with the guys" ... i really wish he had guys to go do something with. I've distracted myself and gone out with a bunch of friends (which might be part of the problem, but that's not for here)... And I decided not to be TOO strict with the harchakot and that actually eased a bunch of tension. He just wanted to sit next to me on the couch. And you know what, I am pretty sure it helped me too... And we spoke about it. A lot. And things are much better now. Thanks!

talia, not that I want to encourage you NOT to observe all the harchakot, but when my hubby and I first started becoming shomer mitzvot, we started with Shabbat. I dove in whole-hog (hmmm, "whole-soy meat substitute?") and did everything and that caused a lot of tension between us. Hubby wanted to go a little slower. I backed off, and slowly but surely, each week, we'd add one more thing to the point where we are now completely shomer Shabbat.

Now we're doing that with t'h. We started off just no sex, but still touching each other, then each month, we've added one more thing and gotten a little more machmir [stringent] about what we do. Like your husband, my hubby still gets a little grumbly about day 3 of white days, but because it's something that he accepted was part of t'h, rather than my saying "we have to do this," he's more tolerant of the wait. I think now he justs grumbles because he can.

So I think you might be doing the right thing by backing off a little. Only you know for sure what you can live with and what you can't, but adopting new observances slowly might be a workable alternative for you both.

I also have some trouble the last few days…I find my white undies too itchy to bear…I get antsy and don’t sleep well………….for me, it’s easy – I am getting my hair cut or going for a waxing or planning ahead to make my mikva evening run smoothy, but for a man….hm……………Could you make a special dessert for him?