Hope for the Mikvah Lady
I am trying to pump myself up into going to the mikvah this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to be able to hug my husband... but in our small town going to the mikvah is like walking into a public restroom, you don't enjoy being there, but you have to go.
For the past few months I have been reading all the posts on this site. A lot of them have evoked sympathy and a lot has evoked joy... all in all it is nice having people who are there and going through the same thing you do month after month. Especially the infertility postings, I share the same feelings of the women I read who have been going to the mikvah without pause since marriage. In a culture that regards this mitzvah as personal and discreet, it is hard having a doctor know your entire sexual schedule.
Still, the pain of infertility is only made greater when you see the other women in our community suffering through what is supposed to be the most magical moment of the mitzvah of Taharat Hamishpacha — the mikvah. I'm not going to downplay how much it hurts to go through the infertility process (those of you also going through it know how it is) but sometimes it is harder watching other people suffer than to go through your own pain. Let me explain...
When I read the posts of mikvahs with multiple rooms and marble floors and even a check-in desk up front and a waiting room I'm baffled. I've never been to another mikvah but my own, so I have no concept of what it is truly supposed to look like. Our mikvah consists of a narrow room, tucked into the front corner of our shul that has been divided into three sections: a bathroom, an entrance hallway, and the mikvah. We only have one mikvah in our town (in which the religious community is steadily growing) so the same mikvah is used to tovel women, men, and dishes. There is a filter that runs to supposedly clean and heat the mikvah, but you always have to skim away (or just ignore) the grime and styrophome bits that float at the top of the water. The bathtub is too gross to use, so we all bathe at home and most bring their own towels.
One time I came to the mikvah on a Sat night and it looked like it had just been used. There was water dripping all over the bathroom (in the shower, on the door handle, the sink, etc) and all the towel and bathmats were wet. When the mikvah lady arrived (we all basically use the same woman, she is a wonderful, wonderful blessing to our community) I asked her who used the mikvah before me and left it in such a state. She sighed, took my hand and said "no one." It seems as though the fan was broken again, and when the fan breaks the moisture from the mikvah showers the entire little room with condensation. At that point I realized where all the mold I saw and the mildew smell I always smelled came from. I saw that it hurt my mikvah lady to see me upset at the state of the room, so I quickly perked myself up and said to myself "the harder the toivel the bigger the mitzvah".... right? Except that I'm finding myself having to say it every month I go, it's become sort of a chant in my head "the harder the toivel the bigger the mitzvah, the harder the toivel the bigger the mitzvah, the harder the toivel the bigger the mitzvah."
Then I started looking around, it's not just me. I can see it in the faces of the other women who use the mikvah. When it's time to go they are not smiling, it has become a chore and many have said they wish they had a blindfold when they walked into the room, one woman trying to find humor the situation said she's happy she can't wear her contacts in the mikvah, it makes it easier. I've heard countless stories of women stepping on glass in the mikvah (left from dishes) and ruining their toivel and women arriving to find that the heater was broken again and having a toivel that literally took their breath away because of the cold. There is lots to say, the hot water in the entire room has been broken for a while, the lighting is very poor, etc etc.... but all these complaints could be looked past easily when you see the face of our wonderful mikvah lady who will take time out of any day, at any time of night to do whatever it takes to give you the best experience possible at our mikvah. Even if it means that she picks you up in her own car so your identity is kept a secret (the mikvah is right at the front of the shul next to the front door, so it is impossible to park and go in without someone seeing your car or you), she will do it for you.
The reason I am writing, what is actually my first post ever, is because last week I saw my mikvah lady loose her will to continue trying to make the unhappy women happy. You see we had a wedding last weekend, and the kallah needed to go mozei Shabbos. The mikvah lady arrived at the shul to ready the room (she wanted to dress it up a little with candles to mask the smell). She had been keeping in contact with me the whole night because she wanted me to toivel after the kallah as a segula for getting pregnant. I was at the store when my phone rang. "It's going to be a while" the voice on the other end of the phone said, "the mikvah is ice." She spent the next hour calling the kallah to calm her while she drained and tried to refill the mikvah with the waning hot tap. And then my mikvah lady did something that I had never heard her do before... she broke down and started crying right there in the mikvah. "It's not supposed to be like this, it's supposed to be nice your first time." I went in that night to follow the kallah (around midnight) hoping that at least the kallah would have ended up having a pleasant experience... I went in the water and I started shivering. "Did the water turn out OK?" the mikvah lady asked hopefully (she had not been there with the kallah, the kallah had a special friend with her), at that moment I felt a little wave of warmth in the water so I said "yeah, it's not too bad" and then I prayed that the kallah at least felt comfortable when she toiveled and did not have the chant the "harder the toivel the bigger the mitzvah" mantra on her first visit.
Since then our mikvah lady seems to have lost hope. She'll still offered to come and pick me up to take me this weekend, but I could tell there was something wrong in her voice. She now doesn't want to be there either. It's too painful for her too. Without the calming spirit of this mikvah lady where are we? What will happen to us?
I am beside myself. I don't know what to do. I know what we are going through is in no way as tough as what our ancestors did when they had to travel all night and break ice in a lake to toivel, but there has to be something out there that can keep the moral going until we find the way to get the money to build a new mikvah. Every day it is getting worse and worse and more women are deterred from wanting to go when they see where they are going. My brother-in-law came up to me one day last month after toiveling dishes "Does the mikvah always look like that?" he said, "because I've been talking to a friend who is thinking of taking up Taharat Hamishpacha, and I'm afraid to tell her to go there because I think it will push her in the other direction." "Yes, it always looks that way," I say, "I'm sorry, if you want me to talk to her, I can tell her how to get past it."
Is that what we all should do... just look past it all the time? How can we get the beauty out of the mitzvah if we feel dirtier than we ever do right after you walk in the door?
Please, I need help finding a way to give my mikvah lady hope, it is killing me to see her like this. There's hope right?
Comments
Oy, vavoy! This makes me want to read. I know that somewhere there is a fund helps with mivkas. Maybe Rabbi Grossbaum in Minnesota (the mivka expert) can point in you the right direction? There has to be a better way than this! Like Ruchama said, if everyone in the community gave $50 or $100, you could at least fix the immediate problems - building a new mikva will take more planning and money...
I live in Chicago. I just wanted to tell you, I've been reading the posts here for about two months, and this one has put me over the edge. Our community mikvaot are absolutely incredible, and I truly hope your travels bring you here on mikvah night. I have a new-found respect for our mikvah ladies and the Chicago Mikvah Association. Your post has prompted me to give tzedakah to the organization, and I truly hope your experiences improve.
Shifra, that's horrible.
Thoughts: Are there any natural bodies of water around, so you can send the glass toivelers some place else? (If not, at least make them use a basket!!!) I know of at least one "one-mikvah town" where they won't let you toivel anything glass there, for just that reason! There are, however, lakes and rivers around that can substitute.
I agree, start a fund for renovations. Not just locally, either... send some pictures to the NYC and Chicago, etc. mikva'ot and ask them to post them with a donation request...women who go to those posh yummy mikva'ot will hopefully be horrified that you can't, and will want to help!
Unfortunately, it sounds like what you really need is to start over in a different location... and it doesn't sound like the funds exist for that. But no one should have to toivel under such circumstances!
Let us know if there's any way at all we could help.
I am so suprised by the comments! It's so nice to see everyone caring about the condition of our mikvah. I'll try to answer all the questions.
The closest body of water is a river, but it is mainly by private access only. I guess we could tell people to go down to the marina... but I wonder how well that would go over in the shul.
It's funny that you mentioned my husband and I starting a fund, Ruchama, we decided a few weeks ago to do just that. We don't have much to start it on, but you're right, every little bit helps. After the Rabbi approves it, we will get started. We don't have a Vaad, there is a Jewish Federation branch... but I'm not sure how they work. Since the Mikvah is in the shul, any fundraising might be seen as just fundraising for the shul, and I know that the Federation works for the whole community not single shuls.
I will try contacting Rabbi Grossbaum in Minnesota, that is a good suggestion.... everyone has good sugestions...
...so does anyone have a suggestion for what to do for my Mikvah Lady? I'm very concerned about her, something needs to be done because it will probably be a very long while until we can get the physical problems solved.
Shifra, does our Webmaster (Shanna) have your "real" name and address? Could we send anonymous (we wouldn't know who you are) contributions through her somehow? You aren't an offical tax-deductable organization anyway, right? Because we'll probably lose tax-deductableness that way, but it would still be a mitzvah, and count as ma'aser for those of us careful to give 10% to charity. (Shanna, up for (legally) laundering money for a worthy cause?)
I'll think about what to do for your mikvah lady. It's very hard being the only one, and working in those conditions! Make sure she knows about your fund, and how appreciative you are of her efforts. She obviously does the best with what's available.
Since the mikvah is in the shul my husband and I want to start the fund through the shul so the donations CAN be tax-deductible for the contributors.
Shanna, what do you think? What is the best way to do this? Maybe give out the name of the shul, but not the location, and Shanna can just foward donations?
I'm going to tell the mikvah lady about the fund, but like I said earlier, I'm waiting for the Rabbi's blessing.
Oy, oy, oy. My heart goes out to ALL the women in your community.
Maybe if we all send Shanna email addresses of any shul/community wide mailing lists we know of, the info and request for donations can be posted around that way? My SIL's shul has such a list. A friend's shul locally has such a list. (Mine does not)
The only issue would be where people should send checks. Unless the shul has a website to do online donations via credit card, paypal, or the like?
On the issue of your wonderful mikvah lady - maybe tell her about all of us? And how we want to help both personally and by spreading the word.
Oh man, this made me cry.
Welcome, Shira, and kudos for such a passionately written first post. We can all tell how much you care, not just about your own, but about all the other women's experiences at your mikvah.
I would be very interested in contributing to such a fund. And as for giving your mikvah lady chizzuk - would she read this site?
*hugs* (I can't think of any other way to say this). i've been blessed with both marble tiles and well, skimming the crud off the top.. (it was warm tho).
have you looked into mikveh.org ? it's another thought...
and please let us know how we can contribute. i know building mikvaot takes a lot of time and money (probably even for a basic one, nothing fancy like an intercom system), but we should be able to fix things.
I echo Desde in at least begging the glass toivelers use a basket!
And for your mikveh lady, perhaps a simple "thank you" will help?
Wow... I can't believe this. The disrepair of the mikva is so upsetting, and I can't imagine how much more difficult it would make the mitzva.
I will not repeat what all others said, but I wanted to address the issue of the mikva lady. Assuming that the physical state of the mikva is staying as it is for now (which hopefully won't be the case, given the fund) - I think all you can do is make very sure that she knows how much you and the other women in the community appreciate what she does, and how her actions and attitude help you so much.
Aside from telling her - perhaps something like a small gift from some women in the community, or going to/making a lunch with her along with some other women in the community would be appropriate and be nice for her (although obviously whatever money is spent on this is also competing with the very worthwhile cause of the mikva itself).
I would certainly talk to her about the fund as well - and how you hope you can work together to make it better, if you haven't already done so.
Shifra, thank you so much for this post. At my mikvah (which is also just one pool), we've had the occasional day of the hot water being broken, people who toveled dishes not cleaning the muck up after themselves, etc., but it's not ongoing.
Definitely approach Federation. They are for the community, and the mikvah is a community mikvah, even if it is physically located in your shul, right? If they don't have a specific means of helping, they should be able to help you find other means.
If you are willing to disclose the shul's location, or if Shanna will be our filter, I will happily put up a flyer in my mikvah asking for donations.
Also, get a supermarket-style shopping basket and post a sign saying that all glass must be placed in the basket for immersion. It's far too dangerous, otherwise!
In the meantime, I would let your mikvah attendant know your fundraising plans. Tell her how much you want her to have a pleasant environment to be in and how much you appreciate her attitude. And everything dvoe said, too.
Good luck! I've no doubt we can make something happen!!
I am so sorry for your experience! I feel chagrined when I think of our beautiful new mikvah, gleaming with tile everywhere. I feel for you. My mother-in-law had similar experiences during her tenure with T"H - even on a sabbatical in Scotland many, many moons ago, the mikvah lady/rebbetzin wouldn't even let her immerse at night because it was cold and dark and the water was covered with a skin of bugs and guck. Ick. May your situation improve, speedily. You are a wonderful support for the mikvah lady. I hope she finds her inspiration.
The outpouring of sympathy and desire to support Shifra's mikvah is amazing. However, Mayim Rabim cannot serve as a filter for these donations, nor can I be personally responsible for them. Although this is the first time this situation has come up on Mayim Rabim, it is necessary to establish and stick with a site-wide policy on these matters, and the most logical choice is one of non-interference. Feel free to email me if you have any questions about this policy.
If any of you wish to pursue this further, I'm sure Shifra would be happy to hear from you directly.
Like Shanna said, thank you for your outpouring of support. It is so comforting to know that you all care. If you would like to donate you can email me and I can give you the necessary information. My husband and I spoke with the Rabbi last night and the fund was approved!.
Also, thank you for all of your suggestions regarding my mikvah lady. I plan to tell her about the fund tonight and I think I will try to talk to some of the ladies about getting her something to show our thanks.
In retrospect, it wasn't such a good idea. (Sorry, Shanna!) I just thought seeing the contrast (in pictures) while using a nice mikvah would make people want to give more... but of course every mikvah and every community is in need of funds, and we are supposed to support our local organizations first, so asking local organizations to post donation requests from far flung congregations is a little weird. The problem is that I'm not so sure your community is big enough to raise the needed funds!
What we really need is a national organization, similar to what Torah U'Mesorah is for day schools, to collect donations and disperse funds where they are most needed so that mikva'ot in smaller communities will be at least presentable. But no, I'm not volunteering to start it.
Not that I'm discouraging readers from contacting Shifra directly for that info and donating to her mikvah... far from it, I'm sure this is an important mitzvah even if you yourself never plan to travel to her community. Chas v'shalom anyone should be scared off from T"H by the condition of the mikvah!
The mikvah lady deserves a nice night out. Just a gathering of those who use the mikvah, letting her know how much you appreciate her work.
She needs to know it isn't her, but the mikvah itself that is making things hard.
I think as much as the mikvah lady needs to know that the physical facilities are going to improve, she needs to hear that it is HER attitude and efforts that have made the mikvah bearable for all of you so far. It sounds like she feels all her efforts to make it a good experience are futile. Let her know that's not true.
I talked with the Mikvah Lady last night. She smiled at the mention of the new fund, but she smiled wider when I let her know how much her attitude helps me.
It also seems as though another woman in the community felt the same way as me, and gave her a nice present. She was so taken aback because she never asks for anything from any of her women (she refuses money if someone trys to pay her), I know the gift meant a lot to her.
So your suggestions were right, thank you. G-d willing, as the days go on our Mikvah Lady will continue to smile more.
Oh, Shifra, that's fantastic! Sounds like affirmation was definitely helpful for her.
"She refuses money if someone tries to pay her..." Does that mean there's no "fee" to use the mikvah? Or just that she doesn't accept tips? Because it is perfectly acceptable to ask the people using the mikvah to contribute towards its upkeep. Where else are the funds going to come from?
If there isn't a fee, try instituting one (possibly on a volunteer basis at first, but have a "suggested donation") emphasizing that the fee all goes towards the new fund, and is not to pay the mikvah lady for her time.
What's a normal fee? $12-$18?
Our normal fee is $10 to use the mikvah. She refuses tips (our mikvah ladies here operate on a volunteer basis).
But that is a good idea to put a note out for a suggested donation to the mikvah fund! We could even have a seperate donation box.
send your article to mikvah.org
what a pity! it should not be that way the first time!
Yasher Koach Shifra, may Hashem shower you with brochas as a result of your efforts in this important mitzvah, and in it's zechus may you and your husband merit children immediately. Since you have already seens your mikvah lady's sensitivies even small improvements will motivate her and others. For example, a dehumidifier is not expensive and will help with the dampness--also I just saw it today for $4--volcanic rock it is know to remove wetness--and you can't beat the price. What could a coat of paint or new towels cost?? Try to do one small improvement frequently then the ladies will be excited to come back just to see what is new :) By then I hope you are home taking care of a baby!
I don’t know how much of the mikvah budget comes from the fees they charge, but I know of at least one mikvah that cost $25........which includes no manicure or pedicure, which i think is a lot of money if it's a regular, monthly expense!
Could you and your husband start a "mikvah renovation fund" through local shuls and/ or through the mikvah itself? Do you have a Vaad or other local Jewish organization that could help? I think that many people would be motivated to take action if they realized that the mikvah was in a bad enough state to potentially discourage women from tevilah.