Womens Health and Halacha Day Recap
Life has been a little hectic lately, but I was able to take the time to attend the Nishmat’s Women’s Health and Halacha Day this past Sunday. Sorry Persephone, but I opted for a semi-coherent post today rather than an incoherent one yesterday.
The day opened with an address by Dr. Deena Zimmerman which served as an overview of the various ways in which women’s health issues and halacha intersect, specifically highlighting the areas in which yoatzot can be most useful. The backbone of her lecture was sample questions from the “Ask the Yoetzet” website, some that have been posted on the site and some that have not been. She presented the issues in a kind of chronological order, from the kallah to menopause and from hymenectomy to hysterectomy. She emphasized that much of the frustration experienced by who observe Taharat ha-Mishpacha comes from a lack of education and unnecessary stringency. In her view the yoetzet serves an educational role, helping women in sometimes complicated situations to elucidate the issues in order to know what to ask. Most interesting were the things she has learned as a yoetzet that she would occasionally interject. One thing she was said is that she was astounded by the number of women who have admitted to her that they have slipped up and had sex while in niddah. To her there is sound reason for harchakot. I was amazed at the number of women who practice niddah based on misinformation.
After lunch the program broke up into four sessions. I chose the one on “Intimacy and the Married Couple” since I have never attended any type of lecture on the subject (though in light of the recent discussion on this site I would have loved to weigh in on what was said at the “Infertility and Orthodoxy” session.) Bracha Rutner, a paid yoetzet at Riverdale Jewish Center, went through various sources showing Judaism’s positive attitude toward sex and sexuality. She went further to show how Judaism views not as a means of receiving pleasure, but rather as a way of giving to your spouse. When this is done, sex is a balance of the physical, emotional, and spiritual, and of the highest level. The second half of this speech was given by Esther Feuer, a bubby-type woman who is an OB/GYN Nurse practitioner and sex therapist in Brooklyn. She went through female sexual dysfunction, showing that painful intercourse is never normal, and should be examined for either medical or psychological causes. She really was wonderful, and it is nice to know that there are people like her out there, helping even the most right wing among us.
I was not able to stay for the next round of sessions, so I apologize that the recap is incomplete.
Looking back, I’m glad I attended. While a lot of the information was not new to me, and there wasn’t so much by way of discussion because of time constraints, I’m happy I was able to support a conference on this topic. Walking away, I felt good to know that something that is so central to my life is like that for other women too, and that open dialogue on the subject will only serve to better the lives of observant women. So let’s do that, okay?
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I'm ashamed to admit, I never thought of "Jewish sex" as being not about receiving pleasure, but of giving.
The distinction is a little bit silly, isn't it? In a healthy, loving relationship, you really can't have one without the other.
Anyway, Avigayil, thanks for the recap.
"She went further to show how Judaism views not as a means of receiving pleasure, but rather as a way of giving to your spouse."
Did she have any sources that demonstrate that this is the woman's job wrt the man, or only that the man should view sex as a way of giving pleasure to the wife (or were her sources gender neutral)? I can offhand only think of proof that this is Judaism's emphasis for the man.
Thank you, Avigayil, it sounds like the event far exceeded my expectations. I am very impressed that the topic of painful intercourse was brought up; it was certainly never mentioned in my kallah class.
I wonder if perhaps what the lecturer meant to say was that in Judaism sex is not only about receiving pleasure? (Although isn't that how most other people view sex too? Hmmm.)
I'm also intrigued by this statement: "She emphasized that much of the frustration experienced by who observe Taharat ha-Mishpacha comes from a lack of education and unnecessary stringency." Obviously that contributes, and for some people more than others. But I wonder how much frustration is still left when you're being as lenient as the halacha truly allows.
I mean, bottom line, we still have 12 days of separation. You can get used to that, but that doesn't mean it's not going to be very hard.
I didn't mean to imply that the sole purpose for sex in the Torah's view is giving pleasure. The speaker did start out with the notion that Judaism views sexual pleasure in a positive way. For me and many other people there that was a given, which is why I was not struck by it. She then went on to show that while receiving pleasure is good, giving pleasure is better. Adina's comment is correct, the sources do address men about their relationships with their wives. Yet, we can see from the sources that a man is encouraged to put his wife's pleasure before his own not simply because of the halachic obligation of onah, but because by doing so you are elevating the sexual act, making it spiritual rather than animalistic. I think that based on this reasoning it applies to women and not only to men. And Ruchama, I don't think it is a silly distinction because it doesn't necessarily come naturally to everyone, especially those who know nothing of sex until marriage. I hope this clarifies what was said there.
Persephone, some of the questions she brought up had to do with the difficulty for those who are educated and keeping TM correctly. I think she glossed over them precisely because there are no good answers, and that the best answer is the yoetzet's ability to tell women that what they are feeling is normal, and yes, it is really hard. Though the yoatzot do deal more with women who are confused or have real issues, which is why her lecture focused on those.
Were you impressed overall with the speakers? Although I'm not so familiar with them, but how relevant are these yoatzot to the American Jewish scene? And how can they better impact the community? It seems that they have a lot to offer, but they don't seem to have made many inroads into our community?
Thanks, Avigayil! I'm ashamed to admit, I never thought of "Jewish sex" as being not about receiving pleasure, but of giving. That doesn't sound right - I know sex is about giving AND receiving pleasure, but I've always verbalized Judaism's attitude towards sex as "pleasure is good and sex should be enjoyed." I'm going to work on retraining myself in the way I think about this.
From what you saw, do you think the event was well-attended?