sometimes the right way might be out
Several of the discussions here lately have me thinking about when and why people believe it's proper to ask for heterim (leniencies) -- not just in matters of taharat hamishpacha, but birth control, and all the other things that come up in a relationship between husband and wife.
On the one hand, the fact that it's sometimes hard to keep the halacha -- sometimes very, very hard -- is sort of the point. It might seem wrong to onlookers that we follow halacha even when it denies what seem like basic human needs, even when it conflicts with what seems like basic human kindness. It might even seem wrong to us, sometimes. And yet, what would be the value of observing halacha only when it coincides with what you felt like doing anyway?
This is how I always thought of taharat hamishpacha. I knew it was going to be hard. I never thought of that as an excuse to ask for personal leniency; after all, it's hard for everyone.
But being married has drastically changed my perspective on this. Shalom bayit (peace in the home) is a powerful halachic factor in many decisions to grant leniency, and I think that's so for good reason. It's one thing to be hard on yourself. But being more strict than necessary on someone else -- that's a different story, isn't it.
The hard part, of course, is figuring out what's more than necessary. Should we be trying to keep every harchaka to the letter of the law, even if it takes a toll on our marriage? Or should we be asking for help much earlier than that? Personally, my threshhold for asking for leniency has moved up greatly now that what I do has the potential to make my husband unhappy. Even if it's not horribly unhappy, even if it's a level of unhappiness I might try to tolerate myself, I couldn't live with myself for inflicting that on him. It goes against everything I'm trying to do as his wife.
If you're reading this and thinking "oh, but even though it seems like you're hurting him, it's actually to his benefit, because you're helping him to keep the halacha in the ideal way," to me that all depends: on whether both of you want to keep taharat hamishpacha the same way. If you both want to shoulder the burden no matter how hard it gets, then you're helping each other towards a mutually valued goal. But if one of you wants a heter and the other doesn't -- to me being too devout to ask for the heter is no longer one helping the other. I can't reconcile an element of coercion with helping. At least not between me and my husband; we are not each other's parents, but equal partners.
Obviously this is a decision only a couple themselves can make. I'm certainly not telling anyone else what to do. Just laying out my thoughts in writing.
The other reason I think is a "right" reason for asking for a heter is when manageable sadness verges on clinical anxiety or depression. Mental health issues can be independent of halacha, of course, and they might need to be treated independently too, but I think it's clear that some aspects of the halachic lifestyle can contribute to them as well. I had my own experience with anxiety around mikvah preparations. Others might struggle with having children too close together, and so on.
It can be hard to know when you're not just having normal difficulty but slipping over the edge, but I think deep down, we know. And if we don't know, the loved ones around us do. If someone in your life is telling you that you need help, please, don't assume that you will not be religious enough if you ask for it -- whether it's with taharat hamishpacha, birth control, or anything else. (In this case I guess I feel strongly enough to be pushy!)
And keep in mind what I said above: even if you don't want to do this for yourself, please, think about what it might be doing to your husband to watch you suffer. And what a gift you'd be giving him if you could find a way to stop.
Comments
Wonderful post Eden! I sometimes have to remind myself of the same thing.
Eden, I really agree with what you have written here. As a therapist in a very Orthodox community, I am aware of many cases in which it is not even a question of an individual wanting and therefore asking for a heter, but rather a Rav paskening in favor of such a heter even when the individual wasn't so keen on it (e.g. birth control). There are so many factors to balance out, no one should hesitate asking a Rav if they have the slightest question about any of these things. Also, when I was being trained it was emphasized over and over that when referring clients to a Rav on such issues, beyond the fact that it had to be a Rav the individual felt comfortable with, it is highly recommended to ask one of the "gedolim," i.e. those select few who have the most experience and the broadest knowledge, (as well as the most direct line to the One Above!). These Rabbonim are much more likely to grant heterim than are the average, local community Rabbis who are much more "cautious" in these matters.
Definitely agree! And that goes for infertility too - it is so crucial to talk to a Rabbi who's a major expert in the area you're asking about.
If there is any room for a heter, he will have the knowledge and confidence to give it to you. If he says no, the answer will really be no, not "I'm not sure, so it would be safer not to do it."
This whole string makes me wonder about something... I'm married for a couple of years, one child, born and raised (and currently living) in Brooklyn. After my daughter was born, we thought about asking a Rav for a heter to use birth control. . .but we realized that whatever he told us, we were still going to try and space our kids.
so we didn't ask.
in retrospect, i can't figure out why i didn't (and still don't) feel guilty. i ask shaylos erlating to t"h all the time. i always abide by whatever the rav says. i never question or resent his decision (except when i wonder if maybe he's being overly makil! but i listen then, too)
but when it comes to birth control: it's like, who is this bearded guy to tell me when to have kids? isn't it my decision?
i wonder at the dichotomy. anyone else experience this?
I totally agree. I feel like the decision of when to have kids is no one's business but mine and my husbands. No one else could possibly know what's right for us, and this is way too major a decision to leave to someone else. We have 2 children right now, and I'm so glad we waited a bit before the 2nd. It gave me a lot more time to devote myself to our first, and I really think he's better behaved because of it. We had really terrible 2's (starting even before his 2nd b-day), and if I'd had a baby or been pregnant then, I wouldn't have been able to give him the attention he needed.
h.w.g. -
Why you don't feel guilty to me seems obvious - when you ask a shailah, you fully intend to follow the rabbi's p'sak. Since you didn't have a question (i.e., you knew what YOUR answer was, regardless) you didn't need to ask. Period.
If he's the expert on t"h, then you ask him. If you and your husband are the "experts", so to speak about when it's right for you to try and conceive, then you decide yourselves.
Eden -
As far as when to ask, it makes sense to ask when the nagging doubts start. And maybe the Rav will say it isn't sufficient reason for a heter, with or without other suggestions, and maybe not - but then there's an answer. And a "No" should always be followed up (IMHO) by "and under what further circumstances should I maybe ask again if things get worse?"
Might as well have all your cards on the table in the first place.
Eden I think you make a wonderful point. I just would like to comment on one statement of yours. You say "If you're reading this and thinking "oh, but even though it seems like you're hurting him, it's actually to his benefit, because you're helping him to keep the halacha in the ideal way," bc this is where a lot of ppl get confused - the ideal way is to ask and possibly get a heter, not to assume the ideal is taking the most stringent..you would be surprised how many stores i've heard where the husband/wife thought no b.c. was better and the rav said it was better...
"As far as when to ask, it makes sense to ask when the nagging doubts start." Right... but not when all your friends gang up on you and insist that you should have nagging doubts if you don't!
I generally agree with you, eden, that not asking when you have a real shaylah is not the ideal.
My personal pet peave is when everyone else looks at my family size (it started when I had had 3 children in three years) and imagines themselves in my place. Several friends did this, decided that in my situation they would need a heter for birth control (and they were probably right, about themselves) and started pushing me to go ask for one. My mother and sister included, only not being Orthodox, they just pushed the b.c.
So if you feel you are overwhelmed, by all means, go ask. In fact, please go ask.
If you think your friend is overwhelmed, gently urge her to go ask.
But if you just think you would be overwhelmed in your friend's place, and she seems to be handling it just fine, then stay out of the conversation, okay? Please? Especially if you want to hear about the birth of the next one. (I won't even tell you if I think the response will be "oh, no, not another one! Don't you think you should give your body a rest?" instead of "Mazel Tov!")
Great comment, Miriam! Of course, the above can equally be applied to the opposite situation (which was raised elsewhere on this website of a childless couple who is not interested in undergoing intensive infertility treatments, despite the intense social pressure in some circles to do so.
My personal anecdote: When a very non observant, "liberal" family member came to visit us in Israel a few years ago, somehow the converstion turned to one of our neighbors. I unwittingly made some comment about how beautifully they manage - such a large family (Bli Ayin Hara) in such a small apartment - so little fighting, etc. Our visitor then asked how many children that family had. Again, without thinking, I enthusiastically responded "I think it's 12 or 13." Her expression turned to one of absolute horror as she (also unwittingly) exclaimed "Oh my Goodness! How horrible!!!) It was only at this point that we both realized how different our starting points were...
Oy! I was certainly not thinking of pushy friends, more like husbands...
And not "that sounds horrible, I don't know how you can be okay with that," but something more like "you are exhibiting classic symptoms of clinical depression"...
I totally agree!
I was put in the position of having to be Superwoman if I wanted to have my marriage and probably a baby every other year. The man I married just wasn’t much of a dad. He just wasn’t.
And I wasn’t so sure how to tell the rov that…….so we had “just” two kids…and now we’re married 20 years and I’m in my 40’s. Too late for more. We never discussed it again, but lots of friends our age or older have 10 or 12 kids and probably are too overwhelmed to wonder why we didn’t have them, too…at one point my husband said he would have liked maybe four kids, but hey, I didn’t share that thought…..I was too busy caring for what we had already.
Should I have felt bad? Well….it’s not like we didn’t have any…or just had one…….we tried, we really did………..I don’t think you can judge all by the same yardstick, that’s all…..
And I say Baruch HaShem for what I do have! Every day!
I try to help my friends with their kids…I bake for sholom zochors and help at brissin..I just don’t think I could have done more than I did already!
A powerful, well-written post. I don't think I could have said it better. As my neighbor would say, "Amen, sister!"