Why?
Why in the world anyone would choose to follow all the intricacies of TH when it seems that they engender so many difficulties and inconveniences? What follows is, of course, my personal viewpoint, and I realize that others' views may differ. I do not intend to address here the extreme emotional anguish experienced by someone going through infertility or other special conditions. I believe some of the following may apply even then, but I leave it up to those
actually there to judge for themselves.
Many times on this site I have seen comments alluding to the difficulties involved in keeping Taharat Mishpacha and the suffering engendered by it. This may sound a bit strange to some of you, but I must admit I never really saw things this way. Sure, there are difficulties approximately equivalent to those of a shomer shabbos person who wishes he could go to the football game on Saturday. Or the average somewhat observant Jew who gets a terrible headache while fasting on Yom Kippur. So why do you continue to fast, if it causes you such suffering?
There are several possible answers to this question. One answer is that on the whole the benefits of living "the Torah way" out-weigh the difficulties. It's sort of like choosing schools – one has a nicer building, better teachers, and higher academic standard. But it's far away, has very high tuition, and has a crummy yard. If only you could choose the location of school A, the yard and tuition of School B, and the other features of School C, you'd be all set. But you can't. You're stuck. So you settle for School C despite its obvious drawbacks. But how could you send your kids there – isn't it really expensive? Sure, there's a price to pay, but Judaism is a package deal, and if we choose to accept it, we must accept it all.
The above "cost-benefit" approach, is one way of looking at things. However, it's not really the way I believe we were meant to view our mitzvah observance. Rather, we must realize that whatever challenges Hashem puts in our path, they are there for a reason, and try to accept them B'simcha (with happiness) even when on the surface they seem difficult. We can't possibly know what's best for everyone, yet we're smart enough to realize that if we did know the whole plan from beginning to end we might see things differently. Since we acknowledge that only Hashem is privy to all the details, we realize that only He can know what's truly in our best interests.
Back in the days when shomer Shabbos Jews in America were fired from their jobs every week for refusing to work on Saturdays, many of course reluctantly stopped observing Shabbos. Yet even among those families who demonstrated tremendous mesirus nefesh to continue observing Shabbos, only some succeeded in passing these observances on to the next generation. What distinguished these families from the others? Their attitude! There were those families who would come home every Friday with their notice from work, and moan and groan over how difficult it is to be a Jew and what tremendous sacrifices it requires. Others in equivalent situations would remark on what a tremendous zchus (privilege) it is to be doing Hashem's will despite the apparent hardships, acknowledge that Hashem really knows what's best for us, and proceed to observe Shabbos B'Simcha. It was the latter families who merited children and grandchildren who continued to observe mitzvos despite their inherent challenges.
So, where does this leave us? Obviously, none of us are perfect or have perfected our emunah and bitachon (faith and trust) to their utmost. And I see nothing wrong with discussing with others the hardships entailed in keeping TH if this helps us better to handle the challenges. However, in conjunction with the "gripes" we might be doing ourselves a favor if we continually remind ourselves of the unknown benefits as well, and leave the rest in Hashem's very competent hands...
~SYBA
SYBA is a thirtyish mother of several (kein yirbu). She is still getting over the culture shock of moving to the most uniformly Yeshivish city in the world just days after graduating from an Ivy League University...but she is very happy to be there...
Comments
Eden, I agree with you 100% that we can never know for sure why some children turned out one way and others another. Certainly, there are plenty of parents who were B'simcha whose children did not continue in their path, and plenty of those who kvetched about their difficulties who merited fully observant children. The paragraph you are referring to was based on a sociological study which was conducted in that population. I don't remember where exactly I read it, and thus can give no guarantees as to its scientific validity. It does seem to me to ring true, though, on a general average, definitely NOT in every particular instance.
Also, I really didn't intend to be suggesting either feeling guilty about our feelings, or attempting to hide them. Only an attempt at "reframing" them in a way that might be more productive both for our own mental health and conceivably for the emunah of our children.
The paragraph eden quotes and comments on is based on what the Gedolim of our generation say. SYBA did not make this judgement of her own, this is what the gedolim say, and I agree I assume it is meant to taken on a "basically" level not a guarantee level...
FYI, "the Gedolim of our generation" means different things to different people. I have never heard a Gadol in my circle say such a thing.
Likewise I am very skeptical of how such a study could have been conducted. It would either have to last over 20 years, or rely heavily on reminiscences from 20 years ago, with a strong likelihood of reporting bias.
I am sure Syba did not make this line of reasoning up herself, but that does not mean it is a general truth I must accept.
i also don't know if syba meant that one should actually gloss over the more difficult parts of taharat hamispaha, pretend there are no dificult parts, or simply remind oneself periodically of the benefits of choosing to accept these halachot.
at any rate, for me, this site has been far from scaring me off taharat hamishpaha.... i don't observe it & i don't know if i ever will. um, i grew up in an orthodox household (my mother, sister & sister-in-law are all mikvagoers), am currently kind-of observant, keeping shabbat & kashrut but living with my nonjewish boyfriend.... anyhow, i stumbled on this site fairly by accident a few months ago & have been keeping up faithfully since then. i find it all fascinating & much of it frankly inspiring.
i appreciate that people are so honest about the downsides & don't seem like they're trying to "sell" something even a little bit.... the inspiration comes from realizing that people are willing to work so hard within what seem like unfair boundaries, to be *extra* communicative with their husbands & find creative solutions to all sorts of issues i would never have thought about.
i also find it quite awesome that there are several denominations & cultural contexts here. i have a greater appreciation of both israeli-hareidi & committed conservative lifestyles than i would have otherwise, & all in a very safe, honest & nonpreachy environment.
so, yeah, no complaints here. and thanks for all your stories.
As I write this I see there's a comment by someone before me that hasn't been approved yet - we'll have to see whether we both posted the same thing! :) Sorry for any redundancy.
In the meantime I did some Google research, and it appears that the piece Syba quoted is widely attributed to Rav Moshe Feinstein. I have the utmost respect for Rav Moshe as a posek, but with regard to this piece of his worldview, I think the picture is more complex than that.
Syba, I don't want to be too negative here, I think your intentions in writing this were only for the good - to help encourage and strengthen other people. I'm sure it will do good for many people who read it. The reason I spoke up was that I wanted you to know your message might not sound the way you intend it to some others.
You say "Sure, there are difficulties approximately equivalent to those of a shomer shabbos person who wishes he could go to the football game on Saturday. Or the average somewhat observant Jew who gets a terrible headache while fasting on Yom Kippur." But how do you know how difficult something is for another person? It depends on whether they're in extreme or normal circumstances, yes, but it also depends on their personality, background, and other things we can't possibly know. Maybe those of us who are able to be b'simcha should consider ourselves lucky our difficulties are relatively easy to overcome, rather than feeling we have what to teach others.
The best possible outcome of your message is that someone who has only been looking on the down side will remember the silver lining. The worst possible outcome is that someone who is already having a hard time will, on top of that, berate herself because her bitachon is not as "perfect" as someone else's.
In the same spirit that I appreciate your trying to help others, I hope you won't mind my pointing out these ways in which your help might be improved.
You know, Syba, to a large extent I agree with you, but I think this paragraph is going too far:
There were those families who would come home every Friday with their notice from work, and moan and groan over how difficult it is to be a Jew and what tremendous sacrifices it requires. Others in equivalent situations would remark on what a tremendous zchus (privilege) it is to be doing Hashem's will despite the apparent hardships, acknowledge that Hashem really knows what's best for us, and proceed to observe Shabbos B'Simcha. It was the latter families who merited children and grandchildren who continued to observe mitzvos despite their inherent challenges.
We really can't be so sure we know why some couples are lucky enough to have religious children and others don't. I think we all know of families where the parents find great joy in being frum, but the children turn away from it.
Likewise, I think there is so much to be admired when someone finds the sacrifices difficult, but keeps making them anyway. I think this kind of demonstration of faithfulness even when things are terribly hard can be just as inspiring to children. Who knows, maybe more.
It's wonderful when someone can be b'simcha. It's good to maintain a balance of reminding ourselves that we're lucky to be doing this, too. I fully agree with that. But I don't think it's good to hide how you really feel, either. And if someone is suffering, I certainly wouldn't want them to feel guilty on top of that.