Why is it always negative?
Confusion... so often I find myself completely comfortable in all my thoughts on Taharat Hamishpacha only to find myself totally and utterly bewildered the next month.
My current niddah is the first cycle I've had since my surgery 2 months ago. Everything was going fine and my husband was actually really excited that I was able to start a cycle on my own (seriously, I think it might have been the first time ever recorded where a husband literally jumped up and down for joy at the announcement that his wife got her period), then it came to the 5th day and time to do the first inspection. Only I was still bleeding, and not just trickle blood, bright red blood. I thought this probably was normal because it had been a while since my uterus had emptied out. So the next day I tried for a hefsek and got one clean. I put in the moch and then had to run to the store to get ingredients to start challah before it got too late. Maybe it was the irritation from running around, but I ended up having a shailah on my moch dachuk. So I set it out to send to our Rav. The next day the morning bedikah was fine, which was a relief. But that night my evening bedikah looked a little odd, so I set it out as a shailah too and started to get nervous.
You see, every shailah I ever send into my Rav always comes back no good. The only time I have ever gotten a positive result was when I sent it to a Rav in another city one month when my Rav was not in town.
Sure enough my Rav told my husband that both bedikahs were no good. At that point I already had another shailah to send in, which (if negative) would push my mikvah day back to day 15, not day 12. Since this might be the first time ever in my life that I might actually ovulate on my own, being three days late is very upsetting. I started thinking that perhaps the reason all of a sudden I'm having so many questionable bedikahs was because of my surgery. Perhaps what I was seeing was residue not necessarily from the uterus. I expressed my concerns to my Rav before sending in the last bedikah. He said he would look at the next shailah and then if it is still negative he was going to send all three to anther Rav with more experience in women with surgical issues. It was negative, so he sent them away.
Relief, right? Wrong. Yesterday I sent an e-mail to my Rav saying that today was the original day that I was supposed to go to the mikvah and I am eagerly waiting to hear what the other Rav has to say. He wrote back saying that he is sorry if I had my hopes up, but his decision that the bedikahs are no good still stands, he is waiting to hear back from the other Rav on the basis of a diagnosis if something else is wrong. Diagnosis???? I thought I was getting a second opinion. The last bedikah did not look like blood to me so I was hoping to at least be able to go to the mikvah tomorrow night (only two days late) instead of Shabbos (three days late).
Maybe this is the result of the frustration of going through so much infertility treatments, but it is really difficult to take no on shailahs when so much is at stake, especially if they actually look promising. Is it this frustration that is blinding me into being upset, or should I be worried that every shailah is always negative?
Comments
My Rav is really the only Rav we use in the area... he's the same Rav for bedikahs, eruv, kashrut, etc. It's a small community. I guess an argument can be made that he might not be an expert in fertility issues since he also monitors everything else in the community. He is aware of the surgery and my infertility issues and I did write on the shailah that it was my first cycle since the surgery.
I did not think to skip any bedikahs because of the worry. If I had not done the moch or the second bedikah on day one I would not have this problem! Perhaps I could have gotten a heter... I guess I will monitor what happens if I get my period again on my own... if this period is not just a fluke thing.
You know, we use our local rabbi for most run of the mill shaylahs too, but people have been known to sent bedikahs by FedEx to their preferred rabbi when there's a really important issue! I've never done that. But if I wanted to know whether I could skip some bedikot, I would *definitely* call a rabbi who specializes in niddah/infertility.
I don't know what to say, it does sound odd to me that every time you ask a shaylah the answer is no, AND that the rabbi has not offered any suggestions to help you deal with that. That has not been my experience at all, dealing with several different rabbis.
I hope that it's just because, as Eden said, your rabbi is not thinking of this as a continuing problem - if it happens again hopefully he will be more helpful. I would urge you, at the very least, to speak to him before you do any more bedikot this month or next, remind him of the difficulty you had, and ask him exactly how much or little you need to do. At least that way you won't give yourself a problem you didn't need to have.
You're welcome to email me too, if I can be of help or you just want to vent! I understand your frustration...
Thank you to you both! I really appreciate the kind words and support. This site is so wonderful because it is so nice to know you are not alone.
Shifra: You may already know this, but the yoatzot at Nishmat are accustomed to these types of issues, and some of them are doctors. You can call their hotline at 1-877-YOETZET toll free from US and Canada. See nishmat.net for more info.
Would it appear rude to say that the bedikahs you've asked about are never good because if you knew it was good, you wouldn't ask?
You only asked when you weren't sure. So....there was always a chance it wouldn't be good....
Oy, Shifra, I feel terrible for you!
I have to say I am really surprised that your rabbi has you doing a moch, and all the 14 bedikot, when he knows you just had surgery and are struggling to get to mikvah on time because of infertility. Is he familiar with all this, or have you been sending him shailahs without telling him about your special circumstances? It sounds like you might not have mentioned the surgery until the third shailah.
A moch is a minhag, not an ironclad requirement, and there are certainly cases where it can be dropped temporarily. I'm not qualified to decide what those cases are, but I believe one of them is the probability of irritating yourself. Likewise the fundamental requirement of bedikahs is 1 hefsek tahara, 1 bedikah on the first day, and 1 bedikah on the seventh day; all the rest are minhag. If there is good reason to think you might have trouble with dam makkah, instead of dam niddah, a rabbi will often tell you to skip a few (or all) of the ones in between.
A rabbi will probably not give this kind of heter when it happens only once, but when it happens repeatedly it is very surprising to me that he would not find some wiggle room for you. If he is not aware that you're dealing with surgery and infertility, please tell him. If he is aware, and has consistently not found any way to help you, I would strongly suggest you try to find another rabbi.
This is no disrespect to your rabbi, and it's not a recommendation to "heter-shop", either. It's just an unfortunately too common situation: most rabbis will not feel confident giving an unusual heter, because when you don't know for sure that something is ok, it's always safer to say no, right? The laws of niddah and infertility are very complex, and only someone who's a real expert on them will be able to say yes. From the fact that your rabbi said he needed to consult with another rabbi more experienced in women's surgical issues, I would guess he is not an expert in infertility. There are great rabbinic experts out there and there is no reason you should not be dealing with one of them.
If you need a recommendation, you are welcome to email me and tell me a little more about where you live and what community you belong to. Or if you have not already done so, you could contact ATIME.
Much sympathy to you, and I hope you find some help soon.