Mayim Rabim

you're husband's a tough sell, huh? (first the hair thing, and now this...) Umm, I don't know what to tell you. I highly doubt you would be allowed to use a condom instead. The only condoms I've heard of being "okay" are ones with holes in them, used for sperm collection for infertility treatments and/or testing, not birth control. Not that I'm an expert or anything! What about spermacide? Might be far easier to get a heter for that than a condom! (Okay, it's not as effective as a diaphragm, but more effective than skipping b/c altogether!)

Oh, and I should have said this first, but no, you are neither a bad Jew, a bad mother, a selfish woman, nor a weak person. If your husband isn't "man enough" to ask, why should you be? And I suspect that after one try he'd complain more about the condom than he does about the diaphragm... they supposedly significantly cut down sensation, for him.

Hmm - sorry to hear about the difficulties and your being torn. It's funny how your head can "know" one thing (ie - having another child right now is overall not a good thing) but your ovaries (or hormones? or something else?) can be screaming another thing.

Not to discourage you from asking a question since I do not know your specific circumstances or halachic authority's stance -- but I know that condoms are usually considered problematic from a halachic standpoint (for example, see this question - http://www.yoatzot.org/question/1260 ) It's also unclear to me why you are interested in them if the issue with the diaphragm is that your husband can feel it.

In any case, I would also encourage looking into just using spermicide and no diaphragm - if that would be better. The suppositories and gels in individual applicators are generally easy to use (but be sure to research effectiveness). In terms of your ovulation issue (*especially* since you say that your cycles are irregular) if you'd like to potentially be able to figure out more about what your body is doing - and perhaps use that info in making birth control decisions, reading the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility (see www.tcoyf.com) might be helpful.

Good luck with everything...

honestly, vasser, this makes me a little ticked with your husband. *nobody* loves birth control... he doesn't like that he can feel it? why doesn't he try squatting on the floor with the slimy diaphragm and trying to get it in place without it flying across the room like a frisbee... that might make him appreciate it a whole lot more.

no, i don't think you're a bad jew. (i'm the bad jew...) i think your husband is being unreasonable, and he's putting you in a lousy position.

i hope it's ok to be saying this on this forum, i really do. because judaism isn't a religion i really follow--except for yorkzeit candles and the fabulous kugel i bake--i try very hard not to make judgements here. i try to keep an open mind and remember that most of you follow laws that i don't, and i really respect those choices. but honestly, if he were my husband i'd want to punch him in the head.

They make spermicidal gels and foams which form a physical barrier to the cervix in addition to the spermicidal properties. They're less effective than condoms, but you can't feel it in there. Anyway, why don't you tell your doctor what your limitations are and ask him/her for advice?

just an fyi: spermicide, without a barrier method, has a 26% failure rate (without being crude, you'd be better off with withdrawal, which has a 19% failure rate). neither are good choices.

Purchase "Conscious Conception: elemental journey through the labirynth of sexuality" here. It has some good, spiritually grounding hashgafa & tachlis too by midwives, parents, men, wome, Jews, non-Jews...

kuzo, there seems to be a far bigger issue here than figuring out which birth control to use.

I would strongly recommend that you try the cervical cap, which works similar to the diaphragm as both a spermicide holder and a barrier (but is a more effective barrier) - it's a more effective form of birth control than a diaphragm but much smaller and less likely to be felt

another option is the sponge but i think its somewhat less effective as birth control (still more effective than spermicide alone).

Both of these are more comfortable than a diaphragm and the cap is more effective. They both rely on the same heter as the diaphragm - if you rely on the heter to use the diaphragm, you can use these methods. Switching seems all pro and no con to me, and you may find your problem solved.

I was googling the cap a bit, and I'd forgotten, that the cap is less effective for women who've already had children, so it may not be ideal for you. I think in the end it depends on whether you can get a good fit so you might still want to look into it (The statistics on effectiveness generally vary a lot, because the cap needs to fitted and inserted properly to be effective.) However, the sponge might be a better alternative for you.

i can totally relate to your birth control dilema. I have struggled with and still struggle with it for years. I have a wonderful large family and decided a few years ago that was it, I am in my later forties, and while i'm enjoying the relataive easing of burden, still feel the pull for more and feel a bit of guilt for not having the bitachon of the early, crazy, wonderful baby and toddler filled years, feel guilty for not bringing down all the neshamos I physically could, and that maybe some financial and child difficulties we are having is related to stopping Hashem's brochos. Is is such a personal and difficult decision to know where to draw the line btwn practicial reality " what you can handle" and going out on a limb to the nth degree........

This reply may be much delayed (I've been out of town), but I wanted to give you another birth control option. I had a miscarriage in January, and the doc said we couldn't try to conceive for two regular cycles, so we needed a non-barrier method of birth control. We (sucessfully) used Vaginal Contraceptive Films, which are essentially spermacide which comes in a thin film and dissolves- so there's nothing for him to feel.

The other part of this, maybe his feeling the diaphram is psychosomatic? As in, he knows it's there- so he *thinks* he feels it so much that he actually "does"? Maybe ask him to talk about the whole situation with you- maybe there's an underlying resentment about using birth control in the first place that is manifesting itself in another way.

I don't think you are a bad Jew, and I certainly don't think it makes you a bad mother! On the contrary- you're restraining from having more children (even though you want them) in order to spend your attentions on those you already have! B'sha'ah Tova means just that- in good time- and may you have children in a GOOD time, when you are physically, spiritually and in all other ways ready for them.