how could i?

Posted by eden at 02:50 AM on July 19, 2005

I can't believe this happened.

I would link to this post and point out the amusing irony, except that it's not funny and I'm shaking, not laughing.

I sat down and figured out the days we needed to separate this month, then put away the calendar. We went to my parents for Shabbat. When we got home on Sunday afternoon I didn't check the calendar, thinking I was sure I remembered we didn't have to separate until Monday morning; it couldn't have been Sunday morning, or I would have packed my bedikah cloths. Right? Right. Knowing that it was probably our last chance for this month, we made love on Sunday night.

Monday morning I checked the notebook, just to confirm it was the day I should do a bedikah. It was.

But so was Sunday.

Both were daytime onot, so they expired after sunset (we do not keep the onah-before custom), and technically we would have been allowed to have relations on the night in between, if my bedikot from during the day were clean. But I never made a bedikah before we went to bed.

I had a vague memory that the Yoatzot site said something about it not being a problem if you forgot the bedikot on one kind of onah, so I looked it up, hoping it's the onah beinonit because that's what Sunday was. But of course, it's the other two kinds.

I was a wreck before I did the bedikah Monday morning, afraid it would show I was bleeding and could very well have been Sunday night too. But it was clear. Thank Gd.

My kallah teacher promised us that hilchot niddah had so many protective stringencies, we would never even come close to violating an issur karet. I found it immensely reassuring. What happened to that?

Comments

On July 19, 2005 at 09:22 AM, grumpygirl said:

eden, you have to separate a certain days beforehand? how do you know? this stuff is very confusing.

On July 19, 2005 at 11:53 AM, Shifra said:

Eden... I've done the same thing. I freaked out when I realized I had the days wrong on my calendar. Baruch Hashem I was in the same instance as you (the fact that I was not yet bleeding).

I ran to my Rav and he said to rectify the situation BOTH my husband and I needed to do teshuva for being together on the day we were supposed to be separate and make extra precautions that it would never happen again. You should probably still check with your Rav for his suggestions... but at least I can assure you that it's not the end of the world.

Chin up... we are all human and thankfully Hashem made us so he knows that we are capable of error. I'm sending hugs to you.

On July 19, 2005 at 03:48 PM, eden said:

GG, it is pretty complicated, as you can see from the fact that I messed up. What we do is calculate a set of predictions for when we might get our next period, based on the cumulative data from our previous cycles. You can start reading about it here if you're inclined.

Shifra, thank you. That does comfort me.

My husband and I have already talked about drastic changes we're going to make so this doesn't happen again. And since teshuva generally means sincere regret plus the decision not to do the same thing wrong again, I think that reslution together with the fact that I feel sick about it, should cover it. So I'm not sure there's anything our rabbi can really add.

But I have this irrational urge to call someone up and ask, just exactly how bad was this? Deoraita? Derabanan? Maybe even bedieved not that terrible? I know no one else can really let me off the hook. No matter how bad it was, all I can do is teshuva.

On July 24, 2005 at 10:20 PM, rivka said:

there is a great calendar available from "jewels" - the taharas hamishpocha office in crown heights - they make tracking your calendar very easy and make "planning" less of a headache.

On July 25, 2005 at 10:20 AM, sara said:

I know there is software that does it, too.

On July 25, 2005 at 12:03 PM, eden said:

You just need to be aware, when using someone else's calendar system, of what is halacha and what is chumrah (added strictness)... I've heard the software uses every chumrah in the book.

On July 25, 2005 at 12:13 PM, sara said:

oh, ha-ah...i've heard that the software doesn't have chumros. at least not for lubavitch. what a riot.

On July 25, 2005 at 09:38 PM, guest said:

Does anybody know, as eden asked, is separating for onot Deoraita, or Derabanan? Also, Sara, I seem to be missing something from your last comment - If the software is pure Halacha, with no Chumras, why is that negative, or at the very least, laughable? and I dont understand why Lubavitch would or should, be classified differntly (other than for differences in minhagim). Please explain what you meant by "What a riot". Thanks.

On July 26, 2005 at 10:12 AM, Michal said:

eden -

On the one hand, I'm just going on memory. On the other hand, I have a vague recollection of a discussion with my husband very early in our marriage about the halacha when a husband is leaving for a trip following an onah night.

And if I remember correctly, technically, it's OK (there's a custom for a man and wife to be together the night before he leaves for an extended trip), but it is much preferable for him to talk her into forgoing her "rights" that night because of the onah.

So it can't be an issur d'oraita. If it will make you feel better to know exactly what the status of your case is, so ask. Information never hurt anyone. : )

On July 26, 2005 at 11:26 AM, Desde said:

And I had a crazy month with midcycle spotting where I wound up going to mikvah the night of an onah... my Rav said not to worry about it. Hmm... wonder if either of my big Niddah sefarim answers that one.

On July 26, 2005 at 11:40 AM, sara said:

I just think it's funny that one Judaism has so many ways to do things. That's all. Maybe "what a riot" wasn't p.c. to say. Sorry about that.

On July 26, 2005 at 01:19 PM, eden said:

Oh, Michal and Desde, that does make me feel a little better. Thank you...

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