Mayim Rabim

This is a long overdue post about an experience which I alluded to in my comment to Shifra's post here.

I too had gynecological surgery, which I was told would not make me a niddah even if I had spotting (which I did, but only on the day of and very minimal.) The surgery took place during my shiva nekiim, and five days after I was able to go to the mikvah (I did have to convince my doctor to let me go.) It was strange; I didn't bathe beforehand and some of my stitches were still visible, though they were not a problem. The stranger part, though was that there was no possiblity for sex, and I had been instructed to abstain for another week and a half.

While I am sure this is an interesting experiment for any couple who is observant of both the abstinence and the harchakot of TM, this was particularly interesting for me because of my issues with coming home from the mikvah. I have come to understand that the source of my tension at that time is the sudden change from one extreme to the next. A relationship that does not have even minor physical contact is suddenly transformed into a sexual one, and I don't think I handle the transition well. I blame this more on my own natural desires than on pressure from my husband (there is none) or on the halakhic "suggestion" to have sex on mikvah night. My body screams one thing and the little voice in my head that tells me it's fine to take it slow is overpowered.

The night I went to the mikvah the week of my surgery was different. For one thing, there was no possibility of sex, so I had no internal conflict. Also, I was still weak and sore from the procedure, I probably would not have wanted intercourse even if I had been allowed. With no hormones raging and no preconceived idea of where the night was headed I was actually able to enjoy the entire experience. For the first time I really appreciated the mikvah. I was not madly dashing to get home, and the mikvah itself was rejuvenating after my experience that week. Once I got home I had the time to appreciate the small gestures and the loving touches that don't necessarily lead anywhere (or definitely won't.) While I do appreciate these on some level usually, the feelings were much stronger after a two week separation. I was in an in-between place, and I was willing to take advantage of it at that moment.

I don't think I would wish for that experience again (even without the surgery part.) The next week and a half was filled with the same kind of longing that I experience during niddah, and that much longing is too much for one woman. What I can say is that this experience put the usual mikvah nights into perspective, and has helped to make it the kind of experience that I really want.