Let's Make A Deal
All my menstruating life, I've had irregular periods. I've gone as long as 8 months without a period (I wasn't ovulating), but generally I fall in the 35-45 day range. In fact, over most of my married life, I've had a 33-38 day cycle averaging about 35 days long. Even after my pregnancies I reverted back to my predictable irregular/long cycle.
I have gotten use to it; it has it's pluses and minuses.
Plus - I only get my period about 9 times a year. I have a long Tahor time. I have trouble remembering the harchokas because of it. I usually feel free to not have to worry about is my period coming? Do I need to wear a black skirt just in case?
Minus - I only ovulate about 9 times a year. I have a lesser chance of getting pregnant because I'm ovulating less. Right now, while on birth control, this is not such a big deal.
So I made peace with the whole long/irregular cycle deal a long time ago. G-d and I made a deal - he'll let me have those babies (even with an infertility issue) and I won't complain about not ovulating so much.
But G-d is screwing with the deal now. The last 3 months my cycle has come the day after my benoni or chodesh. That's right. I've got a flipping 30 day cycle now. This is not okay G-d. This is definitely a violation of our deal.
I am not used to this. I've never had a cycle this short in my life. I feel like I barely got home from the mikvah and boom, I'm niddah again. How do people deal with this? Or people with 28 day cycles who can never seem to make hefsek until the seventh day (or later)?
I don't want to try and mess with "nature", I'm taking enough meds as it is, but I would like to try and figure out a way to make my period longer again. I've been menstruating the same way for 15+ years and this is a big change for me.
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Vasser, you are on BC pills, right? Have you considered skipping the placebo pills and starting the next pack immediately? I would definetely talk to your doctor before doing this (depending on your body and the pills your taking it can work differently) but in general it's a pretty acceptable way of skipping your period. Is there something halachically wrong with doing that? It can be a little wierd to go without your period but it's an option. Just throwing some ideas out there. Good luck.
I'm not on the pill. I have a medical condition that prevents me from taking them. I use a diaphragm. And there's nothing halachiclly wrong with skipping - I know lots of people who do it.
Vasser, sorry about that. I don't mean to throw advice around like that (I also somehow missed that you don't want to mess with nature in the end of your post). And in the end that's not what your post is about anyway.
I guess it's all about adjusting to a new rhythm of life. I think it's difficult no matter what, a woman's cycle really does completely dictate a woman' rhythm of life (with or without T"H) how she feels physically and emotionally. I recently stopped taking BC pills (because they were making me a little crazy) and it's been difficult to readjust to a new cycle as well. Good luck, I'm sure it's not easy.
Shoshana, I have an earlier post about this; that the pills were making me sick, too.
I assume you're under a dr's care? And that he or she can recommend a lower dose if you WANT to continue skipping. Or maybe just skip a few times a year, for vacation or whatever.
There are ways to work it out.
Vasser, I totally sympathize with having to adjust to a change in cycle length. However, 28 or 30 days is hardly "short" - it's just what most women have to deal with. And, believe me, there are many people (myself included) who would gladly take a 28 or 30 day cycle, if it meant our reproductive systems were in healthy working order.
Agreed. There's probably a reason the onah on the 30th day is called "beinonit" (average.)
Veibel, I know what you mean. When I first got married my cycles were 32 days long, then they lengthened to 37-39 days. (The same thing happened to my mom when she was my age.) I absolutely love these long cycles, and even though they are considered "irregular" I ovulate when I should and I think it is perfectly normal for me. I would also be devastated if my cycles suddenly started getting shorter. Even if there is nothing to be done about it I think you should definitely find out what is causing this since it is a big change.
Could it be age? Perimenopause? I know my neighbor said her cycle started getting shroter and shorter and that she was toiveling TWICE a month at some point!
Just an odd thought... you said that "G-d and I made a deal - he'll let me have those babies (even with an infertility issue) and I won't complain about not ovulating so much."
I know you were being metaphorical, so this comment is basically expanding on the metaphor so don't take it so seriously... you're upset that G-d broke the deal. The deal was he'd let you have babies even though you have fertility issues, but now you're on birth control. So I guess, you might have broke your half of the "deal" yourself before G-d broke his half.
When I got married I was on birth control. When I got off, for the next year, I had a 24 day cycle. I feel this has deep ramifications for the turbulence that I am feeling in my marriage, even now, five years later. I got used to sleeping alone, I got used to not having DH to hold on to or support me physically. I also have a hard time transitioning from famine to flood (as amother poster has mentioned.) I harbor resentment toward T"H in general. I harbor resentment toward my DH, when of course it is not his fault.
I ovulated regularly and of course could not get to the mikvah in time. So when I wanted to have sex I was not permitted. With me working and DH working, there were months when we were together once or twice. And of course there is the embarrassment of the mikvah lady looking at you like "weren't you just here?"
For some people, T"H seems to be a beautiful thing. But I wonder if they are just telling themselves that? To me it is not.
Oh my Gd, Visiting, that's terrible. I'm so sorry. Was anyone able to help you? Your doctor? Your rabbi? I hope very much that you asked for help, and did not suffer alone, thinking this was how it was supposed to be.
I don't think your experience illustrates much about what T"H is, because that's not at all what T"H is supposed to be like. But that doesn't negate what you suffered through, and I am not at all surprised to hear how you feel as a result.
Visiting, I'd like to second Eden's sentiments. I'm also very sorry to hear that your marriage is still experiencing turbulence, and hope you and your dh are working together to overcome it.
I'm hearing about too many marriages that are weakened rather than strengthened by the observance of T"H and I can't help but feel that not only is that backwards, but a very real problem that must be dealt with and fixed... if only I knew how and had the power to do so! This blog, and being able to discuss these things in a mostly tzinusdik forum, is a small step towards that end, as we all realize that we are not alone on our struggles and our feelings. I hope you've gained something by "visiting" us... I know I have by writing here.
That's why I started taking the pills back to back; 16 days would come and go with a blink of an eye.
We'd be tired during the workweek and occasionally we'd miss weekends together..and then I'd be PMS'ing all over the place and we would be having the Fast without haven Eaten properly first.
It just wasn't enought time together.