Mayim Rabim

Your writing is lovely and eloquent, but shiva lasts a whole week...you didn't elaborate on the circumstances that did not allow you to pay the shiva call during the day, or on another night.

It's as if you're chosing one mitzvah instead of another....with other people's feelings involved, if I may be so bold as to insert.

Sara, there was a reason I did not elaborate. You will have to take my word for it that I was needed very badly there that particular night.

Furthermore, my husband was in complete agreement.

I can certainly understand your wondering why this could not have been solved another way, but I would appreciate your not suggesting that I neglected anyone's feelings.

This forum is open to all, remember...we're anonyomous and don't know each other. Just wanted to clarify. I think that's legitimate!

So do I. It wasn't the question I was objecting to, but implying a judgment before you heard the answer.

As someone who doesn't know me, you of course don't HAVE to give me the benefit of the doubt before you hear all the details. But I will certainly find it easier to respond in a friendly way if you do. :-)

As a more general clarification, this essay was not intended to be about the particular reason I had to miss mikvah night. It was meant to be about how I felt after having had to miss it.

In fact I almost had a similar situation in the past, and for a much happier reason. My sibling's wedding fell on what I thought would be mikvah night. I called my rabbi and told him it would be impossible for me to leave in the middle without someone noticing, since I was in the wedding party. I was hoping he would say "This is a perfect excuse to ask the mikvah lady to open just for you in the middle of the night." Instead he asked, Is it an issue of fertility? And when I said no, he said, Then go the next night. So clearly this a legitimate line of reasoning.

You COULD have told the rov that, that you wanted the mikvah lady to open for you. Maybe the next night would have ben hard, too.......didn't you then have sheva brachos for a week?

I am not 2nd guessing the rov, but mikvah night is not ALL about fertility.

Anyway, I think that clarification is the issue here. I misunderstood your reason for writing; maybe others would have, too.

If I couldn't have gone the next night, I would have told him. But that wasn't the case then, or now.

I think the fertility question that the Rav asked had more to do with whether or not he would have allowed you to use the mikvah on the seventh day, and I guess since that was not the issue he just told you to go the next night.

Eden-- I had similar feelings when my mikvah night fell out on Yom Kippur.

I've had to delay going to the mikvah a number of times for logistical reasons. The mikvah closest to me is not within walking distance, so I can't go on Shabbat or yom tov, and interstate travel (such as is required for visits to relatives) can easily consume the entire window of time during which the mikvah is open. I'm generally able to take these situations in stride, since I only wait seven days from the onset of menstruation, and on a certain level I feel that waiting a little a longer just brings me closer to the way I "should" be doing things to begin with. Also, I am not struggling with infertility.

I can see how this sort of situation would be a good deal more difficult for someone like you. However, I would think that this type of in-between state would be exactly the instance in which ha'arachot are most useful. (Take this as what it is -- a comment from someone who does not observe ha'arachot at all.)

Not to belabor the point, but is there a reason you didn't start ANY of preparations during the day? Cutting your nails, anything? Because all of that stuff counts towards your time.

And if you were planning on going to the shiva and then even if it was a maybe to toivel afterwards, why did you wait until that night itself to call someone....can't you call the mikvah matron at home, or couldn't you have called a few days before? After all, you DO know 7 days ahead of time that you need to be there that night...

I personally call every month, regardless of the day or time that I go, just to know the opening and closing times.

Or why didn't you toivel first & then go to the shiva after?

I think we should just trust Eden on this one when she says that she was absolutely stuck and needed to be where she was. I don't think that any of us want to miss mikvah, and I can't imagine that these "helpful suggestions" are making her feel any better about the situation. The point of her post was not Monday morning quarterbacking; IMO the comments should try and stick to Eden's intention.

(I meant the intent of the original post)

eden; your post reaffirmed for me that, as with so many mitzvot (commandments), we do them in the way that we are commanded to, even if we do not understand the reasoning. and i guess, therein lies the difficulty for a Rav in deciding the way we interpret things that are not straightforward. i guess the transformation and reinstatement of the stauts of Tehora is difficult to understand on a physical level. thank you for reminding me that it is a spiritual thing, difficult as it may be sometimes (such as in your experience).

Avigayil, thank you.

Ruchama, it's funny, I was able to take it pretty much in stride too - I wasn't so upset about it - it's more like I was having trouble processing that what I'd been expecting all week to happen, in the end hadn't happened. It seemed (surprisingly) like such a trifling little thing we still had left to do. And I'm sure you're right, harchakot could only serve us well in that situation.

Yardena, I think that's the crux of what I was trying to say, but you said it more clearly. :) I realized that even though I accept the requirement to go to mikvah, on some level the idea that the mikvah alters my state doesn't feel *real* to me.

Just so that we don't have another go-round of clarifications, I wasn't upset about it because I was confident that I was doing the right thing. Not because I don't care.

And it occurs to me now, upon rereading Ruchama's comments and my own, that maybe part of the problem was the surprise factor? Had I known in advance that I might not get to mikvah until the next night, I probably would have had very much in mind "remember!!! niddah is not over till tomorrow night." Instead I kept thinking "you're almost there!" and having to remind myself that actually, I wasn't.

Unfortunately, we don't usually know ahead of time when people are going to die.

This is a good reminder, Eden, thank you. I always put the two together in my mind - end of niddah and immersing. I would find that incredibly frustrating if something caused me to delay my going to the mikvah (nearly has, but not yet) and here I was theoretically tahor, but not really. Although, I think I feel it the other way - I feel "purified" when I immerse, but I don't really think about the spiritual side of it: I've counted my days (done my time?) and now I'm ready to be tahor again.

I think I'll be going to the mikvah with a different mindspace next time.

Eden-
Your story rings true with me and validates a similar experience I had. I wanted/needed to push off mikva by a day, Rov ok'ed, dh was pleased, but afterwards I felt terrible about it. When I checked in with myself, I knew I had done the right thing-it was confirmed by Halacha and my Sholom Bayis, but it was difficult to go to sleep that night.