The Role of the Mikvah Lady
One Friday night, the subject came up at our table. One of our guests had served as a rabbi for a number of years, and his experiences working with congregants had led him to a particular perspective on the role of the mikvah attendant. He told us that before he had smicha ("ordination"), he was sometimes called upon to assist in various lifecycle ceremonies. At weddings and bar mitsvahs, he said, he always made a point of the fact that he was not yet a rabbi, and that if the family involved needed rabbinic guidance, they should turn to someone else. At funerals, however, he made no such point, and even went so far as to call himself "rabbi." He explained to us that people coping with a relative's death are very vulnerable, and they need the illusion of authority. His feeling was that the mikvah lady plays a similar role, presenting the illusion of authority to women in a vulnerable position. By comporting herself in an authoritative manner, she allows them to feel that they are performing the mitsvah correctly, with the sanction of someone who knows the rules.
My feelings on this asessment are mixed. It is logical, but is it accurate? For my own part, I'm much happier to be helped by one of the assistant mikvah ladies, who don't always seem sure of themselves, than by the head attendent, who has an air of authority -- the assistants make me feel like my sense of vulnerability is shared. In theory, this could be because I'm less concerned about the halachic side of tevilah than other mikvah-goers, but the impression I've gotten from previous discussions of this subject is that my feelings are shared.
It has ocurred to me that observant women today may be too educated to need or want the sort of false authority that their foremothers required. The reality, however, may be more complicated. Perhaps our needs are so different that there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all mikvah lady. This would mean that no matter how an attendant conducts herself, she will make some women uncomfortable or unhappy.
Unfortunate if true. What do you think?
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Many people think that the mikvah lady's sole rightful role is to make sure that the woman's head goes fully underwater. At my mikvah (and I believe most others) she also double-checks the woman's hands, feet, and back for any missed chatsitsot. Some of us (myself included) would prefer that mikvah ladies restrict themselves to this mechanical role, but they are often expected to be experts in taharat ha-mishpacha, and they do sometimes take it upon themselves to make sure that users of the mikvah are abiding by the rules. So my question is: is that necessarily a bad thing?
I forget how lucky I am to have amazing mikvaot and wonderful mikvah ladies in my community. There was one story I heard about the mikvah lady making a woman go next door to the McDonalds to have an employee there cut her nails shorter on Fri night, but it's only rumor (and I can't imagine it actually being true!).
The mikvah ladies here will offer to check you (and I usually ask them to check the top of my back). However, I still feel like this is a matter of vantage point, rather than authority. Anyone can check your neck and see if there are loose hairs laying there- even remove them if there are. I guess I take it for granted that once declined, the mikvah ladies here won't push the issue- So if a woman decides to toivel with acrylic nails on, it's not for the mikvah lady to FORBID it. I think they realize that the tevilah is between the woman, her husband and Hashem, and there are as many different levels as there are different women.
I have heard from Kallah teachers who teach kallahs in Israel and in Mexico (where you can’t get married without a certificate from the mikvah lady, and who are only going to toivel once in their lives, before they get married) that it’s okay to toivel with acrylic tips, it’s just a question of when to do the fills.
It seriously isn’t the business of the mikvah lady…..on the other hand if she doesn’t say something, who will?
Oh, and I’ve also heard that about the Friday night non-Jewish attendant. How would that be permitted; the dinim on what you can ask a non Jew to do for you on Shabbos and yomtov is pretty limited!
Sara:
In a situation of asking a guy it is actually like a system setup. you don't really tell them anything just I am here from next door/down the block, etc. and it is "understood". Sometimes they have such systems pre-arranged.
"…..on the other hand if she doesn’t say something, who will?"
The thing is, the mitzvah applies to the woman who is going to toivel- and that's who should be 'saying something'. It's incumbent upon frum women to take ownership in the mitzvah, and to cut their nails as short as they should be for their community/standards/etc. This now brings us full circle to the post about mikvah and secrecy, BTW...
Personally, I think there should be more outreach and education about mikvah and what prepareations should go into toivelling. Besides the obvious benefits of learning and spreading mikvah, this would also take the pressure of the mikvah lady, and transfer more of the mitzvah to the woman who is actually toivelling.
I also want to add that if a mikvah lady notices something out of place (like the woman still has earrings in, etc.) there is a way of mentioning it without being out of place. ie, "Is it your custom to remove your earrings?" rather than "You have to take your earrings out or else this won't count." There is a sensitive way of saying something without being imposing.
Becky -
I agree with being sensitive to the way the question is phrased, but would lean towards "Do you realize you are still wearing your earrings?" instead of 'is it your custom' - if the woman forgot, she can just say "I didn't, thanks!" and take care of it.
If she intended to leave them in, she can just say "Yes", and if it didn't occur to her that it mattered, it does not give the erroneous impression that it is simply a custom, not part of halacha. She can ask for further information if she is so inclined.
LC, I think that in the case of earrings, or similar things that one perhaps never takes off/out there's room to call removing them just for mikvah a custom. I don't know personally, because I don't wear earrings in the mikvah.
But I agree that "Do you realize you're still wearing your earrings?" is probably a safer way of phrasing the question, especially in regards to other items such as rings, bracelets, b/c patches, et al.
From the Yoatzot website, the page on mikvah preparation (I added the formatting):
Preparation for Mikveh Immersion
A foreign object that adheres to the body or hair, preventing contact with the water of the mikveh, is called a chatzitzah (barrier), and invalidates the immersion. Halacha requires that foreign material be removed, even if it does not disturb her or adhere tightly to her body or hair. Knotted hair also constitutes a chatzitzah, as the knots cannot come into full contact with the mikveh water.
To prevent such problems, a woman should follow a series of steps, summarized below, in preparation for immersing in the mikveh. These include both cleansing (chafifah) and inspection (iyun). Most mikvaot have checklists in the preparation rooms to prevent inadvertent omission of any of the required steps.
Chafifah (Cleansing)
Cleansing is required by rabbinic decree. Originally, only a thorough washing of the hair (the literal meaning of chafifah) was required, but the law was subsequently extended to include the entire body. A woman should do the following:
1) She should remove obvious barriers, such as clothing, jewelry, or contact lenses.
(snipped)
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So possibly only d'rabbanan, but more than custom.
I can buy the explanation that possibly earrings during the first 6 weeks when they are NOT to be taken out may fall into the same category as a bandage, but in general, earrings - although possibly left in for extended periods of time - are intended as ornamentation, and therefore are changed, so even "always" wearing earrings does NOT mean *the same pair*, as any self-respecting earring wearer can probably tell you. : - )
I've never heard that about newly pierced ears, the earrings being like a bandage. It's an interesting thought!
I had a young married friend who didn't have pierced ears & wanted them, but said she couldn't get the mikva lady to put them back in for her after tevilah, so she wasn't going to get them.
It's possible she never asked the rov, though, if it was permitted to leave them in.
I guess this is a question and a comment all in one. About the role of the mikvah lady. Interestingly enough a lot of religious/mixed moshavim (I guess kibbutzim as well but I'm not positive) in Israel don't really have a mikvah lady at all. There is a woman who has the keys, and when you need the mikvah you go get the keys and do the whole thing yourself. I guess my question is what do you guys think about this? would you feel comfortable dipping without someone watching to make sure your hair goes under all the way? This setup is great for people who don't want people questioning them or judging them, but what about the truly helpful things that Mikvah ladies do? Does anyone have any ideas of how to self check or regulate your dip if I were to start using a Mikvah like this?
I know lots and lots of women use the mikvah like this, I guess it developed out of necessity from being away from large population centers. I just thought this was interesting in the wake of this discussion solely on the role of the mikvah lady. Does it in a way say that technically having a mikvah lady is only a custom anyway? I don't really have an opinion on this, I'm just curious what other people think about it.
Hmm. Are you sure the women who use those mikvaot don't bring a friend along? It may be that the mikvah does not employ anyone full-time, but that women do not actually immerse unattended.
I just went to the Yoatzot website to confirm my impression that according to Orthodox standards, having someone there to see that all your hair goes underwater is halacha, not custom. But I also learned something I didn't know - if your hair is short enough that it will certainly go under, you don't need an attendant! Even a woman with long hair would not need an attendant if she used a hairnet. Fascinating, I had no idea.
I don't know about the friend thing. From what I've been told women go alone, but I'll try to find out. It does make more sense that women would bring a friend along. I guess that was my question.
The first thing that came to my mind was that maybe they bring their husband along. I've used the ocean/sea/lake as a mikvah with my husband checking when the timing has worked out. I actually prefer it that way. and judging from previous postings on this site, I'm not the only one.
I never really thought of the mikvah lady as being in a position of 'authority', so much as in a particular vantage point. As I go under the water, I can be conscious of my hands and feet (or bottom, for that matter) touching the sides or floor of the mikvah pool, but I can't watch my hair go under the surface. I can feel myself drop into water, but I can't physically see it- and the mikvah lady, standing above me, can.
For my pre-wedding tevilah, my sister was my mikvah lady. She is not frum, and she was 21 at the time. I told her what to look for, and that she should respond "kosher" if everything looked in order. Having someone so close to me witness my tevilah was very special- it was an experience we could share, rather than an experience I was performing for the acceptance of a person of authority.