Special Occasions
Before my wedding, I took an extra birth control pill each day for three days. I needed to put off my period for about twenty-four extra hours to be in the safe zone. As luck would have it, I got it the next evening.
It wasn't until a year later that I realized what the implications of this timing were: each year, for the next five years (provided that I remained on birth control), my wedding anniversary would fall during my period. For my first anniversary, I decided to repeat what I'd done for my wedding, taking an extra pill each day for three days. I did it even though the extra pills make me sick to my stomach, because of some silly notion that on your anniversary, you're supposed to have sex.
This year, for my second anniversary, I let it go. Insetad of lingerie, I put on a dress. We went to a nice restaurant, then came home and relaxed. It got me thinking: frum women (who aren't always pregnant) must face this sort of situation pretty often. Nearly half the time (as opposed to my 1/4), the "special occasion" sex touted by secular culture is out of the question. You have to come up with different kinds of presents, different kinds of celebrations. Some might say that's better than always being able to have sex; it gets you to focus on other aspects of your relationship. Still, it must be frustrating.
On the other hand, frum couples get something that secular folks don't: a "special occasion" for sex every month. Maybe that's better than birthdays and anniversaries. You can't have everything...
TrackBacks
Comments
I assume your cycle will change over the years. Give it time.
A similar thing happened to us... DH and I got married on Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan, Oct. 6, 2002. Oct. 6, 2003 was Yom Kippur. When our english anniversary date falls out in poor timing, we celebrate the hebrew date.
You dont have to get your period if you are taking birth control pills. Its completely safe (check out the medical reports if you google continuous birth control) to take them for 3 months or more in a row without having your period. THis was the best thing I ever learnt (when i was in medical school before i got married) especially for timing nidda around special events and holidays and in general cause this way i am only nidda a few times a year. Even then its hard and when i go off teh pills its a bit of a shock! Speak to your doctor if you dont believe me. In fact taking double pills may be worse for your system....
there's always the hebrew date for the anniversary...
You can celebrate both the English and Jewish dates of your annivesary, birthday, whatever you want.
You can celebrate when your husband proposed...when you got engaged...your first date..do what suits you and your calendar.
On my first anniversary my son was about 3 weeks old (and as you could tell from other posts about postpartum) I was still a niddah. Well, we went out for a nice dinner (my first time out without the baby) and it was a wonderful evening and we wore ourselves out enjoying each other's company. This past year we again went out for a nice dinner. It's a wonderful treat. My husband and I will not use bc unless instructed by a rav and doc agreement, so there have been times where mikvah night was quite an unusual experience and other times where niddah was quite an experience, but my husband and I have maanged to get through almost any situation you imagine possible. I kind of think of it as keeping the whole experience fun because you never know what will happen next time.
As an aside, the Hebrew/English pick sounds like a great idea unless it's your 19th anniversary of course :)
For the record, my English and Hebrew birthdays have yet to fall out the way they did when I was born... and I'm way past 19. (But haven't made it to 38 yet.)
Not that that was a relevant to anything comment! More on-topic, we usually stick to the Hebrew dates for birthdays and anniversaries, but save the English ones as back-up in case they happen to be more convenient.
getting back to the original post: "...because of some silly notion that on your anniversary, you're supposed to have sex." you remind me of something I read once (it's supposed to be a true joke): A nurse filling out a birth certificate noticed that the baby's birthdate was nine months after the father's birthday, and mentioned it. The mother responded, "you know, my other child's birthday is right around this time of year too..." and the nurse said, "honey, next year get him a tie."
Well, it's almost funny. Anyway, I think I might have had the same "silly notion" originally, but keeping T"H kind of changed the focus, as you mentioned. I hadn't really noticed... just developed a different perspective on our time together in general. Now that you've drawn my attention to the matter, I think the change is a good thing.
I know! Why does sex have to be something "celebrated"; DH thinks every time we got to a restaurant that afterwards, I'm craving romance!
Desde, my 19th birthday didn't work out either.
And I think "special occasion sex" is definitely overrated.
Yea, well, my hubby's bdday, my bday, and our anniversary are in three consecutive months, so basically its a all or nothing for us.
Interesting thoughts. . . now you've got me thinking.
For us, it's not "special occasions" as much as going out of town to visit friends or family, and the stress of either being careful about harchakot when it feels like everyone's eyes are on us - which I'm sure they're really not, but it's foremost in MY mind - or the stress of missing those days together either due to DH's being uncomfortable with intimacy in someone else's house, or the occassional sleeping arrangements that make it impossible.