The Hardest Thing
(I wrote this some time ago, but had to put it down and today was the first I was able to come back to it - please forgive me if the tenses are off.)
Last night I did the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I went to the mikvah knowing I wasn't going to be using it for a long time.
I went to the mikvah knowing that when I came home I was going to ask for a get.
It's a long time coming in my marriage and I have been trying, doing, changing, and very much turning a blind eye for most of the years of my marriage. But when Rabbonim, Rebbetzins, therapists, and friends all tell you it's time, it's over and it's okay, then it really is okay.
I wasn't sure how I was going to react or be able to do it, and so I asked my best friend to call one of the mikvah ladies (we'll call her R) whom I consider a friend (outside the mikvah) and ask her to come to the mikvah and be my mikvah lady. "Just tell her I need a friend tonight," I said. Mercifully, R said she would be at the mikvah for the first hour, and that she would be happy to help me however I needed.
I splurged and got a manicure and pedicure, because I thought, hey, when am I going to be able to afford this again and when am I going to need these again?
I went to the mikvah and got in the tub. And I talked to Hashem. And I asked for help and strength and wisdom. And I did my prep. Surprisingly, I am usually very madayick (strict) about my preparations, and this time I wasn't. Okay, so maybe that shouldn't be a surprise, but to me it was.
As I lay there in the water, flossing my teeth, Hashem gave me words of strength to repeat to myself. I prepped as fast as I could, so that I wouldn't miss the opportunity to toivel with R. The only other option that night was the tactless Israeli lady because the head mikvah lady (who is a sweet and gentle bubbie) was out of town at a simcha. I didn't think I would be able to do it with Mrs. Tactless (she's the one I wrote about here).
Usually when I prep, I leave my teeth brushing for last because I always call for the mikvah lady first and then brush while waiting for her. Today I didn't want to take the chance. I hurried through my teeth and buzzed for the mikvah lady.
Surprise, surprise, she wasn't there yet. SO GLAD I rushed! I went back over my teeth while waiting. And I waited. And waited. And waited. 30 minutes after I originally buzzed, I buzzed again. I didn't want to take any chances with him "going to sleep because I'm tired." She had just arrived and there were a bunch of ladies ahead of me. Gam tzu L'tova!
So I waited some more and then R finally knocked on my door. I opened the door and she smiled at me. Then she took me into the mikvah room and put her hands on my face and said, "Can you please tell me what's going on shayna maideleh?"
And with that I burst into tears and spilled the whole thing out to her. "I don't think I can do this. This is SO hard R." I said to her. We spoke for about 10 minutes while she encouraged me. She asked me if I had spoken to the Rov about toiveling in light of the situation. I told her I had and he had told me I needed to toivel in case my husband tried to force himself on me sexually(although I doubted he would and he didn't). And plus, I wanted some comfort from him and a hug if you can believe it.
She encouraged me some more. She checked my fingernails and toe nails and I went down to the mikvah. A few times I turned to go back up because I felt like I couldnt' do it. And finally I got to the bottom of the steps and with tears running down my checks I immersed. I broke through the water and covered my head and said the brocha, my voice cracking.
And then I davened. I davened that Hashem should either heal my marriage or show me the right way. I davened that Hashem should help my husband to heal and do the right thing by our children. I davened that Hashem should help me heal from this. I davened that Hashem should help me have strength. And I davened that Hashem should only give me Ohr Ein Sof (Infinite light) and revealed good.
Then I dunked the rest of the times. I came out and R gave me a big hug and said, "You can do this. You're a strong woman. Yasher Koach." I tied my robe around me, put my glasses on and she touched me again, saying it was a segulah (for what I'm not exactly sure as I wasn't getting pregnant that night). She led me back to my room and wished me well. I got dressed and buzzed to the attendant that I was ready to go. She let me out, I washed my hands, had some popcorn, and decided to walk home instead of taking a car service.
I walked out into the hot, muggy night, and I felt truly, for the first time in all my years in using the mikvah, that I had somehow gained that elusive feeling of rebirth and renewal. I felt a new woman, powerful and strong. I went home and told him I wanted a get. I didn't falter or stumble, I didn't cry, I stayed strong. And he said he would give it to me. And I was a new woman.
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Wow. There are no words.
The only thing I can even try to formulate coherently is that if the day to day struggle to get to that "someplace better" gets tough, just hold on to the knowledge that when you daven with that kind of kavanah for clarity, and find it, that's emes. Don't let the nagging doubts that may spring up later shake your faith in that for even an instant.
All the best.
Vasser, kudos for your strength and courage, and I hope and pray that this change leaves you in a much better place.
I have to say I was stunned by this:
"...he had told me I needed to toivel in case my husband tried to force himself on me..."
But I assume I'm reading it wrong. Your rav just meant in case he tries to hug or kiss you, right?
Sigh.
I'm in a similar situation, although mine is a bit different. You have a lot of strength and I admire you for it. You'll have ups and downs as the days go by, but hopefully soon the ups will exceed the downs.
May this be a sweet year and not a bittersweet year.
Oh, Vasser, hugs all around. Ending a marriage, even when it's the best solution, is never easy, especially when there are small kids involved. I hope and pray it only gets easier for you. (That did take a lot of strength: If you could do that, you can do anything!)
And please don't leave us, even if you only comment now and then. And if you need anything, if there's any way I can help, email me privately.
Vasser: Your story gave me chills and brought me back to that one mikvah night right before my marriage ended.
I didn't cry. I just bottled it up as I immersed asking myself, why am I bothering? After all, the marriage was over. I wish I could have cried to let some of what I was feeling out...to get comfort and support from the attendant and by extension the community.
You are a strong woman and as such, you are providing a tremendous role model to your children. I hope you are hearted by what you are achieving.
I'm truly sorry for what you are experiencing. It's not a club I'd wish anyone to join. But, know that there's a community of supporters out there for you. Always feel that you can reach out. We'll be there supporting you, cheering you on and holding your hand as it were. Ditto to Aidel.
If I can help in any way, please let me know.
vasser, i can't imagine how hard this has been for you... but i'm awed by your courage and your convictions. i wish you well.
Vasser - your strength is very inspiring. I'm saddened that you have had to visit this path, but hashem has helped you .. you can do it.. you have the strength and wonderful support network. May you have more ups than downs and know that your children will see you as the amazing woman and mother that you are.
*HUGS*
Thinking of you, Vasser. I hope your yom tov was not too painful, and that you're finding as much love and support in your real life as you have here.
I see the line has been edited so it now reads "in case my husband tried to force himself on me sexually" - I guess that takes away any ambiguity about what your rabbi meant.
I'm sorry to harp on this, I know it didn't happen and it's not even the point, I'm just so horrified at your rabbi's line of thought. You have to be a tehorah so that if your husband decides to do something terribly wrong, he won't get the worst possible punishment?? How is that your responsibility? Maybe all single women should go to the mikvah just in case someone decides to rape them??
I can only hope what he meant was that it would protect you somehow - I don't know, maybe because it was your husband, you might on some level acquiesce even though you were a niddah, and thus be partly responsible... but honestly, if I thought a congregant of mine might be raped when she went home, I wouldn't tell her to go to mikvah. I'd tell her not to go home.
I think the Rov's rational had a few parts:
a) that if I felt like needed/wanted to be touched I could,
b) that if I wanted relations I could,
c) that if he forced himself on me (which I highly doubted he would) there would be no problems halachiclly for him or for me. (I'm not bucky on these halachas, but I think that there is some sort of problem if he had and I was in niddah).
d) that there was a remote (miniscule even) possibility of reconciliation, so the Rov didn't want me to have to wait to go to the mikvah,
e) I also wanted him to be open to the idea of a get. Refusing to go to the mikvah would have felt threatening to him, and he might not have agreed. Like this, he agreed, and I got the Get without any fuss.
Hope that clears things up. He's not a monster, just not someone I can remain married to. :)
Vasser, I never imagined he was! I'm sorry if that I implied otherwise. My question was not about him, but about what your rabbi was thinking... There would certainly have been a halachic problem had your husband forced himself on you when you were a niddah: he'd be having relations with a niddah, which is an issur karet. I just didn't (and don't) understand why you should be responsible for it.
Never mind, I don't want to make you keep explaining when I'm sure this is not what's on your mind! All his other reasons make perfect sense to me. Most importantly, going to mikvah was what you wanted to do, and was an empowering step towards your goal. I'm glad.
Vasser, thank you for sharing this. I wish you continued strength.
Oh, Vasser! I feel so bad! I can only wish you better things for you and your family!
can i ask a really dumb question after reading these last few comments? (and i'm sorry to harp on this, but it's nmore about laws than about you in particular vasser...)--if a women were niddah and she were forced to have sex against her will, that would have a negative effect on *her* in regard to religious laws? (obviously, it would have a billion psychological effects, but i'm talking about the laws about such relations.)
Vasser, I'm just coming upon this post now. Many hugs to you. I wish I had the cleansing of the mikvah and the (knowledge I had the) support of G-d when I was divorced many years ago. I have since found and married a wonderful man who has accompanied me on our journey to Torah. It's too early to think of that for you - you need time to heal first - but the possibility is out there.
I am so glad you had the company of an understanding and compassionate attendant. And that G-d gave you the strength you needed. May you go from strength to strength.
Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but eden and grumpygirl, I think the mitzvah/halacha in question here is probably "do not put a stumbling block in front of a blind person," ie don't make it easier for another to sin. It's also possible the "issur karet" is on both the man and woman for relations while niddah (although not necessarily if she was forced) but I'm not knowledgable enough in this area to be sure.
At any rate, there was a list of reasons, and I think Vasser explained it very well -- in this case it made sense for her to toivel first. Other's "Mileage May Vary" as the saying goes. (Not that I wish divorce on anyone!)
Vasser, I feel for you and I hope things change for you for the better. I want to apologize in advance that this thread has taken a critical turn, because I really feel for you and I know it takes a lot of courage to do what you have done.
On the topic of karet, I like to think that the issur of lo tikrav was given to bnai israel to protect women against rape. Since it would have been difficult in biblical times to identify who was niddah and who was not, any woman who might be of menstrual age was off limits to men because she could be niddah. (That was not the case in Temple times because women apparently wore special garments marking them a niddah)
Putting the onus on the woman to go to the mikvah because someone might touch her against her will, well, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is basically asking to be violated.
Imagine that you tell your husband you want a get. You haven't been with him in at least two weeks, he knows you are tahor and he wants to "show you who is boss." You are, in my opinion, enabling him to violate you. Now if you don't go to the mikvah, it is an extra "geder" so to speak, because now he has to decide whether he wants to violate you and violate Hashem's commandments.
Personally, I'm disgusted that your rabbi gave you such advice, but not surprised, since I've heard it before. Has anyone read the most recent JOFA journal, where a woman waiting for a get was told by the Beis Din that she must go to the mikvah so that if her husband snuck into their house to rape her (as he has already done once) she would be tahor?
I want you to know that I am not immune to this. My husband and I have had sex twice since I had my baby 18 months ago. I rarely go to the mikvah because I don't want to have sex with my husband. So to me, if you go to the mikvah you are saying you want to have sex. And if you don't go, you are saying you don't.
vasser, please excuse this comment since you know from our personal emails that i'm a deeply sympathetic to what you're going through. and i hate to bring this off-topic subject to a head, but, well, too bad...
lurkermom, if you're saying that my going to the mikvah you are "enabling him to violate you" then it's likely one of the sickest things i've ever read on mayim rabim. no matter what anyone does (or says or wears, etc) enables rape, and that you think this worries me deeply.
lurkermom, if you're saying that my going to the mikvah you are "enabling him to violate you" then it's likely one of the sickest things i've ever read on mayim rabim. no matter what anyone does (or says or wears, etc) enables rape, and that you think this worries me deeply.
I think I clarified that pretty well. Simply, if a man only needs to consider whether he wants to violate you, that is only one protection. If he needs to think about whether to violate you AND violate a Torah commandment, that is a stronger protection. By withdrawing that second protection (the violation of a Torah commandment) you are enabling him, if he is the kind that might not think twice about violating you. And I think that in a situation such as a seperation or divorce that such a violation is a real concern.
I'm not saying "you are asking for it." I'm saying that when a woman decides to go through with a divorce but goes to the mikvah it sends a mixed message to her husband and it leaves her less protected.
lurkermom, i somehow doubt that the kind of "religious" man who'd violate a woman would care a lick about breaking a torah commandment.
i still stand by my convictions about this; using the word "enabling" is just a lesser version of saying that someone asked for it.
I would think that if there is any chance of rape, a Rabbi would advise the woman not to go home alone, not that she should go to the mikva.
Sorry the conversation turned in this direction. Vassar, I wish you the best, and the strength to go through this period to come out in a better place.
I just want to apologize to Vasser again for bringing up this line of discussion. I feel like it was very inappropriate of me; our primary focus right now is of course to support her. I hope it's clear that the only reason we're talking about this is that we're concerned for women's safety at large.
Still, this should be Vasser's space, and I doubt this is how she wants to fill it. Vasser, if you'd like us to take this conversation somewhere else, just say the word.
eden, i agree with you. this is vasser's essay and her space. but i do feel this issue merits discussion elsewhere because it's very, very important.
vasser, again, i wish you only peace and good things
Eden that leapt out at me from Vasser's piece also. In fact, when I first read the piece, I was so taken aback by that line about the husband possibly forcing himself on the wife, and unsure how to respond, that I didn't comment at all, even to wish Vasser well. I'm glad you mentioned it. It seems, however, that Vassar had a whole bunch of different reasons to go to the mikva, and so I question if the rabbi actually said this, or where that came from exactly. I do wish Vasser would clarify if anyone actually suggested that a woman go to mikva lest she be raped (rather than not go home lest she be raped!) or if that was her own reasoning, if she has the energy for it.
At any rate, Vasser, I do hope you realize that we all wish you continued strength, and peace, and easier times ahead.
To clarify a few points:
1. The Rov in question is a very knowledgable, holy, and generally sensitive Rov. It does however feel that sometimes he's still living in 1950. Some things, mostly modern technology, are over his head (internet, text messaging on a phone, etc). And some things, like the concept that a husband could indeed rape his wife, are completely foreign to someone who is completely immersed in a Torah lifestyle and oblivious to the outside world.
2. I went to the Rov's office initially to ask about a Get and how to proceed in general in regards to my specific situation (the details of which are not relevant here). After a long conversation, in which he told me several times that my husband should give me a get, I said, "I'm supposed to toivel on Thursday, should I still do so?" And the Rov thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, you should go. It's better this way in case he tries to be with you."
My response was, "You mean if he tries to force himself on me?"
He said yes.
I said, "That's disgusting! I hope not."
And he said, "I know."
Honestly, I don't really remember the rest of the conversation at that point, it was a lot of information to process and it was a number of weeks ago. I was too wrapped up in "life" at that time to get into the political/feminist thought, "Does this mean Torah (or my Rov) condones spousal rape?"
3. I honestly don't think either my Rov or myself considered that he would actually "rape" me, because as I said before, there was a slim chance of reconciliation.
4. I can't believe I'm defending him in any way, but I don't think my now ex-husband would have ever forced himself on me or raped me. I don't think he is morally capable of doing so.
I suspect he didn't mean rape, I think he meant "these things happen." Breakup sex, I believe it's called.
At least, I hope that is what he meant.
Thanks for clarifying. It doesn't sound as though he was worried you'd be raped.
Is there a "rule" - or is this just my misconception, that there are times when a couple should NOT be together.....if they are arguing, etc?
I mean, if Vasser is asking for a Get, wouldn't that preclude intimacy?
I am not a Rav.
So I might not have all the correct knowledge, and there might be details in the case that might have motivated the Rav to give this advice.
Since we can only deal with what is presented here, I my opinion this advice is contrary to halacha.
It is forbiden for a man to have relations with his wife when he intends to divorce her or even when the two are in a state of anger with each other.
Even if she is willing, but he has anger in his heart it is called "rape" [=anusah] in the talmud.
I suspect that the Rav might have thought that they might have more than just parting hugs. Otherwise this ruling runs counter to Jewish law.
Sources:
Talmud Nedarim 20:b
Shulchan Aruch 240:3 Mishna Brurah 240:14
Yosef
Thank you, Yosef, for the sources and your well-thought out comment. I think the main reason the ruling does not "run counter to Jewish Law" in this case, is that, as Vasser stated above, her husband had not yet agreed to give her a get when she went to toivel.
She could have backed down and not asked for one, he could have refused, they could have "reconciled," however slim that possibility was... there were many other factors at play here.
On the other hand, the scenario of a wife being told to toivel in case her estranged husband broke into her house to rape her... that bothers me and seems like it would be "counter to Jewish law" as you state.
Wow! really powerful. I wish you the best in this new stage of you life. May you have an easy transition from your previous situation to your new situation.