Mayim Rabim

On December 19, 2005 at 01:40 PM, littlejerseygirl said:

I can definitely relate to some of your feelings. I remember that before I was married, I decided that I wouldn't care about being in Niddah because at least we would be together all the time, in the same room, alone and private, so unlike to torture of being engaged.
Of course once I was married, things were different. The first week of marriage, since I was in niddah immediately after our wedding, was really hard and depressing. It didn't seem fair. We had all this buildup, leading to just a few short hours of physical contact, and then nothing again. There was a very real feeling of pain and lonliness. I had these feelings for the first few months of marriage.
Please know that it does get better. I never thought it would, but it does. Life continues, you'll have things to do, you'll have distractions (I b"h now have 3 very cute distractions) and you'll grow accustomed to the cycle of things.
Maybe it would help you to talk to a Rabbi or Rebbetzin you are comfortable with, or with your Kallah teacher.
Good luck and Mazel Tov on your recent marriage.

On December 19, 2005 at 01:50 PM, Michaela said:

Oh, Jamie, I totally feel for you. Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom, and I can't even promise that things will get better, but I can tell you that this: I feel like I miss him, but he’s right here. is how many of us feel when we are niddah...it's a separation that doesn't even compare to being across town or around the world from each other.

As a newlywed, are you using hormonal birth control? (Obviously you don't really have to answer that online.) If you are, you may want to look into adjusting your pills/patch/whatever to lengthen each cycle and extend the phase of time when you are tehorah. It won't necessarily make the niddah phases any easier to handle, but they will be less frequent and hopefully will have less of a cumulative emotional toll on you.

On December 19, 2005 at 04:57 PM, Tzofia said:

It may not make you feel much better now, but it definitely gets better. I changed a lot in the first year of marriage, and became more emotionally confident and much less likely to feel emotionally distant or to cry about it. That said, my husband and I hug each other about every 5 minutes when we're together (please don't gag :) ). 2 weeks without sex is a nice break but 2 weeks without hugs would be total misery to attempt even after several years of marriage, and we know from experience that there is zero change of us making it to the end. Our kallah teacher said something I found encouraging, though many people will disagree: she said niddah is d'oraita, but according to most opinions harchakot are d'rabanan. It should be your goal to keep them perfectly, but it may not be possible for you at every point in your life, so just keep doing your best - it will get easier and your life as a Jew is not over if there's something you can't do temporarily.

On December 19, 2005 at 09:05 PM, NotBat said:

What your talking about is learning to trust cycles in life.

When my husband and I were in premarital counseling, the one thing my husband asked of me was that I learn not to panic so much about things. For example, that if I was sad, the feeling will go away and another feeling will come.

He was right that that has always been hard for me, and I've learned to work with that. This affects everything in my life now. When I have a feeling, I learn to let it pass. I've been niddah enough times now that I just learn it will change again. Every morning when I daven I light two candles, one small and one large. The large one represents constancy and the small one is where I am. Sunday through Tuesday the small candle is on the left side, showing I've just left Shabbos, and Wednesday through Friday, it's on the right, showing I'm halfway to the next one.

Techniques like that can help you get through an hour, a day, a week, or a period of niddah.

Also, to echo Tzofia. You do what you can do. When I was dealing with cancer, my periods got thrown completely out of whack. I was diagnosed during a niddah time, was grateful to get out of it to be held without guilt (you bet we hugged when I got the phone call), and then low and behold the medicines made me a niddah again within a week. I called a very strict rabbi (at my mikveh attendant's suggestion) who said, "I can't give you a heter, but do what you have to do." (My attendant, who was with Chabad, was very impressed by this. And for whatever it's worth, I managed to wait it out anyway.)

I would not recommend you get into a habit of touching during niddah, because I don't think it will feel right to you and because someday this will be easier. But don't be too harsh on yourself if you need to cave a little. Even discussing with your husband an area in which you are willing to cave, just knowing you DO have a choice to keep this, may take away some of the pain of the desire and give you the strength to hold out.

Good luck. Accept who you and are and where you are. Hashem has given these mitzvot for our benefit and is generally more forgiving of us than we are ourselves.

On December 19, 2005 at 09:42 PM, Michaela said:

I was thinking about your post since I read it and commented the first time, and I thought I'd let you know what my husband and I did shortly after we were married. We used the first four or five cycles to grow into the harchakot. Obviousy there was never any sex, and we never did anything overtly sexy. But the first time I was niddah after our wedding, we still hugged and exchanged quick kisses (only on the cheek, if I'm remembering correctly). The next cycle, no more kisses or hugs, but we still held hands when the mood struck, and didn't pay much attention to quick casual touches. In the few cycles after that, we managed to eliminate touching, but still passed objects back and forth or shared food from the same plate or any number of other "minor" harchakot. Within several months, and certainly by our first anniversary, we were keeping T"H at a fairly strict level, and we were (sort of) comfortable with that. THe combination of longer cycles (by manipulating birth control pills) and a take-it-slow attitude really helped us adjust. This may not be the right thing for you to do, but it helped us accept most of the strictures of the mitzvah without too much resentment.

On December 19, 2005 at 11:12 PM, Jamie said:

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. It’s good to know that other people have dealt with this, or tried to… and are still around to tell the tale.

The idea of doubling up on pills is a good one, and I’ve tried it; unfortunately, it caused heavy spotting which raises all sorts of halachic issues. (Doesn’t mean I won’t try it again, but I’m going to have to ask a rav first.) Also, I wonder whether the extra-long cycle actually interferes with things getting better. Maybe it’s like going to Florida in the middle of the winter – it feels really good to go, but you come back stripped of all the tolerance you’ve built up for cold weather. If there is some process by which I “get used to” or learn to tolerate the niddah period, I wonder if by giving myself longer cycles I would be insuring that every time I’m a niddah I jump back to Square 1.

Tzofia – I noticed that you related the misery of being niddah to lack of confidence. I’ve been theorizing about why I feel so unhappy, and one thing I’ve noticed is that being niddah makes me feel “single.” I wonder if there’s a confidence and security you get from being married to someone that you don’t have when you’re dating or engaged, and becoming niddah makes it feel like that has been yanked away from you. What do you think? (I have about a half dozen other unsubstantiated theories if anyone’s interested.)

As for compromising on keeping the harchakot, the thought is incredibly tempting, and I now completely understand why people would go that route. I almost wish I could, but I’ve spent a lot of my life keeping halachot even though I found them painful and inexplicable, and it’s too late to stop now. I could possibly think about not keeping some of the d’rabbanans, though I’d rather not, but I believe that hugging and kissing – the two I think would help the most – might be d’oraita. (The source I have for this is Rambam Issurei Bi’ah 21:1, which I just looked up. It’s not 100% clear that all hugging and kissing are d’oraita; it might only be hugging and kissing “derech ta’avah” that’s assur mid’oraita. But who can really tell when it becomes derech ta’avah for the other person? And I know that if I let myself hug him when I really needed it emotionally, there’s no way I would be able to be strict about not hugging him even when I don’t need it so badly… we’d end up violating d’oraitas. At least according to the Rambam).

I just read that over, and I’m not sure I’m right about what would help me. Maybe holding hands, squeezing each other’s shoulders, etc. would help just as much as hugging. I really don’t know. Michaela – if you don’t mind telling us, which harchakot did you find most difficult to transition to? I still don’t think I can let myself violate any of them, but even analyzing what would help might help me figure out how to make it better within the bounds of halacha. For now, that’s what I’m going for.

On December 20, 2005 at 01:03 AM, eden said:

Jamie, this is a bit off the direction this conversation is taking, but here's my take.

I find it hard nearly every time, and I've been married for years. There's something about pulling away from each other that just feels like the end of the world to me. I do think there's an element of insecurity about it, some irrational fear that runs through my mind - does this mean he doesn't love me anymore? When we get back together again, will everything be just as good as it was?

You would think, though, that if it were really just insecurity it would have gotten better by now. I think it's also partly hormonal, for me. So I can't say that first night has gotten better for me, since the first few months. What has gotten a little better is that I've learned I have a rhythm. Each month it will be bad for a few days, and then each month it WILL get better. I don't spend the entire niddah period in misery.

I don't know if your rhythm is like mine, but my guess is that you do have a rhythm, and that's something that - unfortunately - only time will help you discover. No matter how in tune you were with your cycle before you got married, this is a radically new way of living to get used to. Be kind to yourself.

There might be little things you can do to get yourself through it, such as the candle ritual Notbat mentioned. My husband and I have a somewhat unusual sleeping arrangement: one large bed and one small bed. When I'm tehorah, we're both in the big bed. When I'm niddah, we take turns having to be the one who sleeps in the small bed. (We asked our own shaylah about this; apparently not all rabbis would approve.) At some point along the way I asked my husband if I could always have the "together" bed the first night I'm a niddah. It helps me comfort myself, feeling as if he's still nearby. You may discover something similar that comforts you.

And if you're hoping not to compromise on the harchakot, there still might be something you could do to mentally give yourself an "exit." You could try setting a time limit: you will do everything by the book until that time. If, by that deadline, you are still miserable, you could ask a shaylah about whether you can ease up on any or all of the harchakot. I think there's a much stronger chance that you would be given a heter of some kind if you can say to a rabbi that you've given it a fair shot, it's no longer just the "getting used to it" phase, and it's really taking a toll on your psyche or on your marriage.

But you might also find that just knowing there's a potential way out will be enough. And when you get there, you won't necessarily need it after all.

I wish you the best of luck.

On December 20, 2005 at 10:14 AM, Jamie said:

Eden,
Thank you for that suggestion. Actually, this is the direction I was hoping the conversation would go in: ideas within the bounds of halacha that might really help. It would have to be modified slightly for my situation -- we have 2 beds, and often sleep together in one of them when I'm tehora. If we tried to sleep mostly in my bed while I was tehora, it might help when I have to go to sleep in it alone as a niddah. Thank you.
-- Jamie

On December 20, 2005 at 11:03 AM, Michaela said:

Michaela – if you don’t mind telling us, which harchakot did you find most difficult to transition to?

Honestly, I don't remember. Looking back, I don't think any of the transitions were harder or easier than any other. Maybe hugs - just the pure joyful hug you want to exchange when one of you has been away on a trip for a few days? Or the hug of comfort that you would share with any friend in a time of emotional need? You know, the kinds of hugs that you both know aren't going to lead to sex, because it's the same way you'd hug your mother, but it's forbidden just the same. But that's still hard not to share, after a few years of marriage, and I think many people would agree with me on that front.

And the other hard thing, for me, to this day...some of the harchakot remain totally non-intuitive: reminders on the table, not passing a set of keys to each other, getting (mostly) dressed in the closet or bathroom instead of next ot the bed where the other is sleeping. I wrote about it earlier this year, and I don't think my feelings on the matter have changed much since then.

Soryr, that wasn't particularly helpful, was it?

On December 20, 2005 at 11:48 AM, Michal said:

Not sure whether any of this will help, but some things to contemplate while you figure yourself out, so to speak -

having had a chupas niddah, our introduction to marriage came from a very different place emotionally, so I can't speak to that aspect, but you might want to consider PMS as an issue, especially if it eases somewhat as the days go along, or transitions in general.

Someone mentioned you getting the "shared" bed when niddah - then I don't tend to care, but if he's away on business overnight, it's his bed I want, to feel that closeness. It's a similar idea.

Another thing we've done a few times that was nice is the "roommate shmooze" - each lie in our own beds, and chit chat about "stuff" at bedtime - not that men in general are known for small talk, but on the rare occasion when it has happened, it was a good way to emotionally get that closeness that was not an option physically.

Good luck.

On December 20, 2005 at 02:35 PM, Desde said:

{Jamie} I've started this comment several times and erased it, so I'm just going to jump in now, and I don't know if I'll make any sense.

First, Mazel Tov on your marriage!

My husband and I started married life with all the harchakot in place (well, except for occasionally forgetting the reminder on the table or passing things by mistake.) and the feeling that they were basically "set in stone," which seems to be where you're coming from as well. We still keep them the same way.

As eden said, I also feel I tend to cycle in terms of my misery during niddah. I also get the "ridiculously emotional" over nothingness feeling that you mentioned. It *is* hormonal, but also psychological, because I didn't have such troubles before I was married, at least not on that level.

For me it was also all tied up in my fear of the water and therefore of going to mikvah, which doesn't seem like a problem for you, B"H.

So that's where I'm coming from. And I agree that it's an emotional rollar coaster. But from the first three months, you CANNOT extrapolate to the next 30 years. When I got married I thought I was going to be using the mikvah in fear for the rest of my life, and here it is a decade later and I'm astounded and amazed that my fear has completely (slowly, over the years) disappeared.

Niddah isn't quite the same, but as tough as it is sometimes to feel like that physical intimacy has been ripped from you, it is still a gift, a time to develop the emotional intimacy between you as well, supposedly without the distraction of the physical. (Yeah, right... when you're niddah, the physical side of your relationship is still right there, hanging in the very air and even more distracting!) Still, it is possible and even recommended to use this time to grow closer emotionally. Michal's "roommate shmooze" is one way.

Now I find that knowing my husband is near, especially having him in the same room when things are crazy, tends to "center" me, the same way a hug from him does when it's appropriate. That didn't happen overnight... it's a decade worth of both of us putting in the effort to grow together and build our relationship.

So while it may not get easier, the cycle of on-again, off-again will get more comfortable and familiar as time goes on. And hopefully that will be enough, and your relationship will grow stronger through the medium of T"H. (It's not a given, as so many people try to claim, unless you use it that way)

Hatzlacha, and Mazel Tov again!

On December 20, 2005 at 03:21 PM, Chaya said:

Jamie, it might be helpful for you to talk to a yoetzet halacha, a woman trained to answer questions about T"H. In my experience, they can be particularly helpful in negotiating the intersection of emotional, halachic and medical issues, such as those surrounding making changes in hormonal birth control. I could make a recommendation based on where you live, etc. Feel free to email me.

On December 20, 2005 at 05:14 PM, talia said:

Jamie .. {{hugs}}

Mazel tov on your marriage. Isn't it wonderful to have your husband, your best friend?!

Based on my semi-recent experience (A year will spring up so quickly I just know it) the first few months things will change for both of you. You'll find some things easier, some still hard, but there are *two* of you going through lots of change at once. If you read my earlier posts they're probably quite comical, and our life (even on a 2week rotation) has settled down.

Please don't forget about your doctor in addition to a yoetzet halacha, in your discussions about whatever hormonal birth control you use or plan to use. I doubled up a few times and had similar reactions and am now trying to locate a kinder method to lengthen my cycle.

And know that there are many of us going through similiar things. You are not alone.

On December 20, 2005 at 10:41 PM, Avigayil said:

Hi Jamie,
Mazal Tov! I don't know how much practical advice I can offer since I've been doing this for a few years already and it is still hard for me. I find transitions very difficult in general, and the weeks on/weeks off is transition of the worst kind.

Some insight:
1) DO NOT discount the hormonal factor as some others have mentioned. Aside from the regular menstrual woes,my worst experience with keeping TM was when I was on the mini-pill, and other oral birth control made me kind of weepy around that time too.

2) A lot of it has to do with what is going on at a given point in your life too. Now is probably a more difficult time, but every month will have different circumstances that may make being a nidda easier or harder.

3) Through trial and error you will figure out what makes you feel better. I think Michaela mentioned the dorm room thing-- we do that too, and it often helps, though sometimes it makes me feel more frustrated. If I am feeling particularly frustrated with the situation I have been known to throw [soft] things at my husband. While halakhically this is borderline at best, it makes me feel *a lot* better.

4) When we first got married, we got into a huge fight every time I was a nidda. It took a while to realize what exactly was going on, but once I realized that having to pull away physically made me pull back emotionally the tension somewhat subsided. I do still struggle with this to an extent (not only about becoming a nidda, but also returning to a tahora state-- see my posts) but it has gotten much, much better, and at least there are no fights anymore.

5) This site has been wonderful for me, and I wish it was here five years ago when I got married. I don't believe that TM is easy for anyone no matter the extent that they keep it, and keeping all of the harchakot is a real challenge. So come vent whenever you need to-- post again, or e-mail me or anyone else privately if you feel like you need to talk. We really can relate.

On December 21, 2005 at 06:29 PM, michal said:

Avigayil's post just reminded me - after a miscarriage I was on the pill briefly, doctor's orders, and I would fall apart at the drop of a hat, I was a real creep to my husband, and I blamed it all on stress, but it wasn't until I was off the hormonal stuff and looking back that I could say, "oh, my, Gd, what happened to me?"

So I think that was a BIG factor for me. Maybe discuss doses or other options with your doc and see if it helps?

On December 27, 2005 at 05:13 PM, Jamie said:

It looks like this topic has wound down to a close, so I wanted to end it off by thanking everyone who has written in. I wrote the post desperate for help, but not sure if I would get it; and I have. Aside from the knowledge that I’m not alone, and that for some people it gets better over time, you all have good suggestions. I’m also impressed and humbled, and inspired, by the experiences of many of you. So, thanks again to all of you, and to Shanna for creating this site in the first place.

On January 4, 2006 at 10:24 PM, Rebecca said:

Hi Jamie,

I know this discussion has been winding down, but I just got from vacation, read your post, and really wanted to comment, because I can really relate to the issue you raised.

I know some posters said this is something that gets better with time. For some it may, and for some it may not. I have been married over four years, and still struggle with this. A couple things that have worked for me:
-a longer cycle. I stay on a contracptive for 3 months at a time, getting a period only 4 times a year. This has been under guidance from my doctor, and has worked amazingly well for me. I know you mentioned having some staining issues. Please speak to your doctor! This is very common, and can often be solved by simply switching pills. In regards to if this just postpones the problem, personally, I have found it much, much easier to deal with the challenge when I have 3 great months behind me, than I did when I went into it still feeling emotionally exhausted from a few weeks prior.
-legitimate "kulos" on harchakot. Similarly to what you mentioned, I have spent many years following a very halachic lifestyle, and tempting as it may be, could not imagine hugging when it is forbidden. But an honest discussion with a rabbi (you can have your husband do it if you are uncomfortable!) or a yoetzet may help you have more clarity about what is a chumra and what is required. Of course, everyone has different standards they are comfortable with, so this needs to a be a person you trust.
-keeping busy. as silly as this may sound, sitting around the house with my dear husband when we cant touch only makes me more miserable. I always laugh how my Kallah Teacher positioned it so positively, how it would be 2 weeks of "friendship", but for us it was 2 weeks of fighting. (that was not dear husbands fault! it was because I felt so alienated from the halachos that try as he might, I was a nasty unmentionable, 5 letter word). What I find is that if I am busy, reading , out with friends, or my most typical - working late, i "feel" it much less.

I now I have gone on and on, hope this is helpful!!! Wishing you all the best!!

On January 10, 2006 at 01:47 AM, Jamie said:

Hi Rebecca,

Thank you for posting. Your post is very helpful, especially the insight about longer vs. shorter cycles. I agree, it is probably good to have some time to "forget" about being niddah, rather than having it a constant challenge. This way, I'm not always either getting over the last time or fearing the next time -- I have a break.

I have also found that being extremely busy and focused on my work helps, but at the cost of making me feel slightly distant from my husband. I tried it for a couple of days one cycle, and it made me feel almost like I was not married. I don't like that feeling (though I like it a lot better than the miserable, constantly depressed feeling). I hope there's a better answer than avoiding our relationship for two weeks, though there may not be.

-- Jamie

On January 10, 2006 at 08:53 PM, shelli said:

Just to throw in a bit of the science to it all, in that hopefully, understanding what is going on for your body might help...

Visiting the Mikevah is (designed) to coincide with ovulation. the average ovulation (note the word average - I, for one, tend to ovulate early, alack and alas...) is on day 14 of the cycle.

Immediately after ovulation, progesterone builds up. Progesteone is a more or less a happy hormone. It's part of the "pregnancy euphoria" that some women feel.

When the egg is NOT fertilized, our progesterone levels drop, as we get ready to become Nidah.

The reduction of progesterone is a HUGE contributor to post partum depression in some women, and part of why nidah is harder on some women than on others.

this is all separate from the other issues, but just tossing in part of the what and the why, in an effort to help iluminate things a bit.

Mazel Tov again, on the marriage!

On January 11, 2006 at 12:43 AM, purplegirl said:

Hi all. Jamie, when I read your post, I thought, "Okay, so I don't have to write an article for this site - my words have already been written!" Yeah, I feel very much the same. I'm a total crab for 12 days a cycle, and usually a depressed and weeping one. Last time I was niddah, I stayed up till 3am for several nights in a row, crying and reading the entire mayimrabim site! Talk about pathetic. Here's what helps me:

Keeping busy. I agree with both you and Rebecca on that. Right now I'm niddah, but I'm cramming like a nut for finals exams and staying up till all hours, so I'm too preoccupied to think too much about being upset. But yes, I feel very distanced from my husband and sort of like we're avoiding our relationship. The "two weeks of friendship" doesn't work for me either! We're married nine months. But you know what, just being niddah makes me feel like we're not married, so this little extra bit is not so bad. Exactly like you said, "I miss him, but he's right here." Exactly that.

I'm Orthodox all the way, and I definitely don't agree with finding kulos for harchakos. This is a super-holy thing, and my kallah teacher told me that it is in this difficult area that you can demonstrate your yiras shamayim. To be honest, if my husband weren't such a saint, I might also have lapsed by now. I have had some absolutely horendous niddah cycles, and have been tempted so very badly, but my husband is a saint. Thank G-d.

Another thing is this - I think of all those women in Russia and Spain and everywhere where it was difficult. I know for absolute certaintly that when mikvah night comes, I will be able to go. These women didn't. Some were niddah for months and years. Some women's husbands were taken by the KGB and they didn't know if they would return. When I think of this, it makes me cry more, but I am strengthened. Compared to that, this is peanuts. I can do it.

I also think of niddah as strength training. My Rabbi told me that his father used to say, "Today's Judaism is 'Armchair Judaism' - everything's kosher, everything's pareve, everything's mezonos." His point was how easy it is to be religious, in major communities at least. I want to be a strong person, able to be patient and withstand. I feel these are good traits for a mother to have, im yirtzeh Hashem. And I feel keeping niddah helps me slowly work on my inner strength.

When I'm depressed and in an awful mood, I feel that I want to talk to a friend, but I can't really tell any of my close friends what the matter is. I found an outlet for this though - I met a young Orthodox woman about my age, on a Jewish online forum, and we shared our feelings on the difficulty of niddah. It's not quite as anonymous as this site, I'm sorry to say, because it should be for privacy and the nature of this holy thing. But it helps me so much to be able to share with someone else exactly when I'm feeling terrible and why.

Hope this was helpful. Jamie, just know that we're all there with you! It's so hard! We can do this! We are becoming stronger and better people, and are bringing holiness into our lives and families.

All the best :)

On January 12, 2006 at 10:23 AM, Raquel said:

Jamie,

Keeping busy doesn't have to mean avoiding your relationship with your husband for two weeks. When I'm a niddah, my husband and I still spend lots of time together, but what makes it bearable is that we do so in public - doing errands together, going out for dinner, going to a lecture, even seeing a movie or a show. It may sound strange that we go on dates when we're specifically avoiding romance, but the reality is that we get to talk, get things done, and enjoy each other's company, but without feeling like there's a big elephant in the room we're trying to ignore - since that elephant is never really there in public anyway. Sure, we can't hold hands, but I find that the wanting to be close (and the frustration of not being able to be) is much stronger when we're alone in our apartment together.

In terms of crying yourself to sleep and feeling depressed your first few nights apart, maybe you can turn things around a little by focusing on the positive aspects of being alone instead of the negative. All humans need time to focus on themselves, self-reflective time, self-pampering time. So instead of just going to bed as normal and feeling terrible about the fact that your husband isn't next to you, try designating those nights as your time to pamper yourself. Take a bath, light some candles, listen to some soft music. Read in bed. Call and catch-up with your girlfriends. Whatever works for you. But basically, since the fact is you're going to be more alone on those nights, you may as well try to enjoy the good things about being alone. I know this sounds pithy - too much like "turn lemons into lemonade" - but I do this and I find that it works for me.

And mazel tov on your recent marriage!

On January 16, 2006 at 02:36 PM, Jamie said:

Wow – we’re still going! Thank you so much for continuing to write in.

I’m currently trying to think of niddah as strength-training, or true sacrifice, or something like that, and it’s helping me not have too much dread of my next niddah period. I am pretty sure that when niddah actually comes, the strength of my reaction will make all that go out the window… but maybe not, you never know. In the meantime, at least my dread of being a niddah isn’t poisoning the time we do have together. It does have its effects, though. A few nights ago, we were watching a movie in which a woman gets dumped (total chick flick, my choice) and there’s a scene where she’s lying on her bed sobbing. I’ve actually seen this movie before, but this time there was something so wrenching about that scene for me – just the sight of a woman crying uncontrollably because she missed someone – that next thing you knew I was crying too. Which did not make me too happy. But I’m coming to accept that this particular problem is a part of my life – maybe it will get better, maybe it will eventually go away, but for now I have to accept it. I think that helps.

The idea of spending frequent time together in public is a good one, and thank you. We will have to try that.

Shelli’s post brings up something that I wanted to mention before, but forgot to. A lot of people have suggested a hormonal cause/connection, and perhaps that’s true for many women. But I really don’t think it’s the case here. First, I have never reacted emotionally to being at different points in my cycle before – including before my wedding, when I was on hormonal birth control. Second, the first time I became a niddah was at a different point in my cycle from the rest of the times, yet my reaction was the same. And third… the memory of feelings related to niddah (as when we were watching the movie) can apparently make me all emotional even when I’m nowhere near that time of the month. It would be somewhat comforting to blame all this on “hormones,” but I don’t think that’s what’s going on.