The Best-Laid Plans...
I knew it was, on paper at least, the right thing to do. Touch with an erva is forbidden. I was a nidda, and therefore an erva to my beloved fiancée. Every hug, every hand-holding- assur at least derabanan, possibly deoraita. But one magic dip and- not even a derabanan.
We’d stopped being shomer negiah three months into our courtship, with firm agreements as to “this far and no further.” I knew we would never transgress an issur karet, and aside from the terminology of issur and heter, we were both totally committed to not having sex before we got married. Going to the mikva seemed out of the question for us.
For one, it would put me in the awkward position of living out an urban legend, the frum single girl at the mikva. I thought casually about buying a twenty-dollar ring to match my engagement ring, throwing on a scarf and heading out to the suburbs. Or going to the heimish mikva, not all the women who go there wear wedding bands anyway.
I grew up in a very intellectually open household. Knowledge of mikva and sex and holiness was as accessible as the English books on Nidda I devoured as a teen and later in college from the original sources. I knew how to do a bedika, could have told you what was and wasn’t a hatzitza according to who and why. I wanted to go. It would have been so easy. Hafifa at home, clip my nails short, untangle my hair, hide it under a hat- inconspicuous enough in wintertime- pumice scrub on my heels and elbows, scabs carefully peeled away, nail polish meticulously removed.
We decided to go through with it. I sat with him and hugged him one last time. We were going to be shomer negiah through my next period and I’d count 7 clean. Then I’d prep and we’d make the trip out together. He’d be waiting for me outside, I wouldn’t be alone. We were both glowing with the excitement of choosing goodness, righteousness, and purity.
I cut up an old white t-shirt. Inspected the cloths. Made a hefsek on day 7. Bedikot, bedikot, and more bedikot. They hurt a bit, (more than I expected really, I’d used tampons before), even though the cloth was soft and thin.
I got back from work early, about to get in the bath and soak. It had been a cold, grey, unfriendly day and I certainly needed a hug and an its-all-going-to-be-ok more than an unknown trip to a place of utter nakedness where my flimsy disguise could be pulled aside at any moment. Something in the way I’d done my nails, some innocent remark I would let slip- anything could tip the mikva lady off that I wasn’t your standard scarf-wearing-but-modern housewife. I hated more than anything this Sabbatean inversion, this lie necessary to become pure. Sometimes, something just feels weird or wrong, even if it is intellectually honest or a better option halakhically.
I called him and let him know that we weren’t going to the mikva that night. I explained to him that even if he came with me, I would still be utterly alone and exposed, and I didn’t think I could bear it. He understood.
~ Bat Planya
Bat Planya is a very ordinary observant girl in her twenties who reads more than
she should. She lives in a major metropolitan area and has had dreams about mikvaot. She is very into sociology and halakha, although she sometimes struggles with both.
Comments
I would just like to comment that although it's wonderful that pple appreciate the idea of immersing in a mikvah before being intimate... we can't overlook the fact that the laws of family purity and the whole issue of going to a Mikvah is only considered a Mitzvah when it's done within a Jewish marriage. If a woman goes into the Mikvah and she hasn't married according to Jewish law, she is not even allowed to say a blessing.
This can be compared to the way some pious or Chasidic men will immerse in a Mikvah. They may go before Shabbos and holidays or some even every day, but whenever they immerse they do not make a blessing, and as a matter of fact, they can even immerse in a swimming pool, or other source of water that isn't built to the Halachic standards of a Mikvah. This is because their immersion is more of a symbolic immersion and not one done because Jewish law demands it.
So yes, you can immerse in a Mikvah if you aren't married (as some woman will do to celebrate life cycle events etc.. )but in such cases it's more of a symbolic ritual than fulffiling God's command.
If a woman goes into the Mikvah and she hasn't married according to Jewish law, she is not even allowed to say a blessing.
How does a kallah going her first time say a bracha and become not niddah anymore? In modern times when we do kiddushin under the chuppah (and even the tenaim don't happen until the wedding day in most cases), halachicically speaking, she has no status of being married yet.
Also, are you saying that when an umarried woman (aside from a kallah) immerses in a halachic mikvah, there's no effect on her niddah status? I've never heard that before, and I've heard a number of arguments for why we shouldn't encourage unmarried women who are planning to have premarital sex to go to the mikvah. You'd think if this were true, that would be reason #1.
Kelloggs, what I believe Rashelle was saying (and please correct me if I'm wrong) is that the process of becoming tahor (ie not niddah) isn't a mitzvah outside of marriage, making the brocha invalid, not the immersion itself. It is perhaps analogous to toiveling a utensil made from glass, which doesn't require a brocha, but does require toiveling to make it "Kosher" to use. But if there's any sort of question on whether it really is "v'tzivanu al (or l') {insert mitzvah here}" that is, in fulfillment of the mitzvah, then the brocha shouldn't be said.
In other words, the brocha doesn't say "who has made me not a niddah," it says "who has commanded us to immerse." If you aren't so commanded, you can't make that brocha. But it's the immersion (after the proper associated preparation) that renders the change of status, not the brocha.
As for your question about a Kallah, I think the way Rashelle phrased it was perhaps a bit awkward. It's more like "isn't immersing for the purposes of relations within a halachic [accepted by Jewish law] marriage" rather than "hasn't married."
A Kallah is specifically immersing in order to facilitate her marriage, so that is probably the "loophole," if you will, that makes her able to make a brocha. The immersion is for the purpose of fulfilling a mitzvah, because by the time they are alone together, they will be married. It's just too awkward to make her to go immerse between kidushin and yichud!
Ah, thanks for clarifying, desde. That makes sense.
So yes, it's not a mitzvah for an unmarried woman to immerse in order to have sex outside of halachic marriage, but it may avoid one aveyra (and make another easier to commit...)
Thanks Desde for clarifying what I was trying to express in my comment.
To the best of my knowledge, there are many circumstances where a non-married woman being tovelet is perfectly ok, nay, even required. For example, during the times of the BHMK (may it be rebuilt speedily in our days)ALL women (single, married, widowed, divorced, whatever) who had any truck with terumoth or maaseroth or kodshim of any kind- including the korban pesach! were required to imerse. Niddah isnt just about sex, but nowadays we have lost the tumah/tahara aspect wrt holy food and holy objects. Theoretically, penuyot who had been tovelet to eat terumah were not assur to any man! Which is why yichud with a non-niddah penuyah was a SEPERATE gezeira derabanan, because penuyot were regularly tehora- and not always in effect in all places in Israel, its a debate in the mishna.
With an unmarried woman actually having sex with a man after going to the mikva- the issur of boel penuyah (derabanan according to most, deoraita according to some) is still a serious concern, but most halakhists agree that the issue of kedesha- or prostitute- is not a problem if the relationship is not one of promiscuity or immorality. Kal v'homer non-sex after mikva; it should (according to most of what I've read) be completely mutar. But the point that it would be difficult to abstain from going farther than that after having removed the "barrier" of karet is still an extremely valid objection, one raised by articles published in the recent edah journal as well as referenced on the KOL website. Some rabbinic authorities even advise that its better for a couple who think they might have premarital sex davka not to go to the mikva so that they dont have a false sense that what they are doing is ok.
Rashelle, now that I understand your post better, I do agree with your main point - that it's not a mitzvah for an unmarried woman to immerse in order to engage in premarital sex. However, it's a gross mischaracterization to say that "you can immerse in a Mikvah if you aren't married... but in such cases it's more of a symbolic ritual than fulfilling God's command." If an unmarried woman's immersion in a mikvah renders her no longer niddah, then you cannot call it as "a symbolic ritual." It's a halachically real and effective act.
Sometimes when something just feels weird or wrong so you DON'T do it - THAT's choosing goodness, righteousness, and purity.
But do you at least have a wedding date? Sooner rather than later? Because my IMHO, going now (a) takes some of the specialness out of preparing for the wedding, and (b) leaves that nagging "but you aren't niddah" opportunity for you to decide not to wait . . .
and of course, MAZAL TOV! on your upcoming marriage.