I Can't
Growing up I was always the one with the positive attitude. I used to go around the house saying “If you think you can you can, if you think you can’t you can’t.” Well I now have 4 failed inseminations and a surgery under my belt and my head wants to officially start saying “I can’t.”
I told myself this wouldn’t be easy. I told myself that Hashem chose me for this trial because I’m strong, but after every failure I loose a little bit of strength and it becomes harder to keep that positive attitude. I now find myself wanting to cry but actually not being able to. It’s as if I’ve stepped into zombie mode and am going on with my life leaving my head way behind me. My body is happily getting new prescriptions and setting up appointments while my head is saying, what is happening, why are we doing this again, why does it never work?
I have to keep going, I know it will work some day… it has to. I’m davening more, saying more tehillim, I want to show Hashem how much I want him to give me a neshama to nurture… I can’t say I can’t… I just can’t.