Mayim Rabim

I went to my gyn today and we're going to try me on an extended cycle. I think this is my long-term dream fulfilled. When I first started getting my period I dreamt of designing (and building) a machine that could suck out all the ickyness and let me get on with my active lifestyle. When I added t'h to the mix (it's been almost a year!), my husband wasn't so upset by the constant interruption but I was still dreaming of this mystical machine. I'm sure this will help us get through those last little bumps too... He actually made a niddah joke last night (I had extended this cycle because I just couldn't handle another period *so soon* he hadn't really cared one way or the other. His joke suprised and made me smile). I'm excited. I have a pile of literature to read up on and some questions to double check on the nishmat website. Yay!

To confirm the night I visit the mikveh I now need only look out the window. If it is raining then I probably have a mikveh night. Ok, this is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but I just find it highly amusing. I end up taking 3 preperation showers/baths: A bath at home, a shower on my walk to the mikveh, and another shower there. The good news is that it stops raining long enough for me to walk back home. :)

On a serious note, I am having some problems with my calendar. I liked the vertical format I had used in the past and created my current one by hand. It's nice and all, but I'm still looking for the perfect calendar which will integrate discretely with my daily one so that I don't forget my Hefsek Taharah or the bedikot, especially with daylight savings time. Does anyone know if Hebrew calendars exist (preprinted) for various ringed-binder systems? That might help me out. I'm thinking of something with stickers or fill-in-the-circule, but not sure what. Any advice is welcome.

My husband had to sit in the car alone, anticipating my return and our reunion, a few extra minutes one recent cycle. I waited to call the attendant because of the beautiful song I heard outside of my preparation room.

(splash) "kaaahh-sher"

(splash) "kaaahh-sher"

(splash) "kaaahh-sher"

(pause)

(splash) "kaaahh-sher"

(splash) "kaaahh-sher"

(splash) "kaaahh-sher"

(pause and repeat)

The beauty.. it renewed me as much as my own participation in the song, the cycle, the life..

For me, PMS is not pre-menstrual, or post-menstrual (as it used to for me) but now pre-mikveh.

After I get my period ceases for the cycle, I generally get moody : very cranky, irritable, snappish, headaches, total horror to be around. I don't think it's a iron thing.. I've tested fine. Anyway, it generally ends about a week after I stop bleeding. Now, that time frame has different meaning for me and my husband.

Now my husband has something tangible to use to guage my mood swings. Side benefit ? He now is looking forward to mikveh night! This past time *he* wrote it in his calendar and then reminded me of it (since I hadn't added it to my civil/daily) calendar yet. He was quite excited. We still a bit unsure of remembering kisses and things are now ok after I came back but our entire relationship in this time-period has improved greatly. :)

Why is it that when I put on white underwear and start counting I become a walking disaster area? (the same happens when I wear white tops or bottoms too, but I stopped doing that).

I look at ink and I'm covered. I look at a knife and I have a nasty cut. I get bruises everywhere (well, I do that all the time anyway). I get blisters all over my feet. My feet decide to peel everywhere.

It's as if all this stuff *knows* I'm preparing to go to mikveh and wants to make my life difficult.

At my most recent mikveh dip, my feet decided to be nice and stopped peeling, the blisters didn't pop (until after I got home) ... but the few days right before ... I was covered from head to toe in various pigments and cuts.

I am lucky that I've recently had this very nice mikveh lady who is gentle and kind about loose skin and nails. I've gotten lucky and by the time of mikveh I get all the ink and things off.

But it is an interesting phenomenon. Maybe it goes along with all my lost socks...

The OU is sponsoring this event on 31 July (Sunday) "in honor of the many women who give of their time and energy to facilitate the mitzvah of mikvah in our communities".

Event details here: Pearls of Appreciation

Thank you for all your hard work. :)

My husband directed me to this on the web today and it looks interesting. I wonder if he is 'threatening' to send me off for a week every cycle on a relaxing retreat? How I wish!

I found this a positive aspect of their break:

Each month, during their period, women leave for the Bashali.

Hazrat Gul, mother of one son, looks forward to her break from the
routine of housework.

"We make rice, chapattis, eat lots of food and sing all day," she
says. "It's fun because it's all girls and no men."

But, like many mikvehs, sadly it isn't all sparkley white tiles and luxurious baths...

Right now, I'm very thankful I'm tehorah.

I've been quite sick on and off the past 2,5 weeks. There was a vacation in that time, and we've gone away again this weekend. I've wanted cuddling (he's my human heating pad) but little to nothing more. I feel sad because I know he wants more. I really want more too, but the rest of my body just can't handle it.

b'h I'm doing much better and have a new course of drugs to take. Let's hope they work.

Anyway, I felt the need to share. Thank you.

Shabbat Shalom.

another motzei shabbos mikveh visit.. since it's erev [day before] shavous there was an extra buzz in the air. everyone seemed relieved that they were going before yom tov. there was wait for a room and i was warmed by the diversity of women waiting. I don't normally see such variety in my day-to-day existence, and it made me really happy that so many are keeping t"h.

shavuah tov v'chag sameach!

I know going from tehorah to niddah (and back again) isn't fun or easy. It's why we are supposed to calculate onot, in anticipation of niddah. It's why we count clean days in anticipation of mikveh.

But I really wasn't prepared this month for my husband's reaction after I came home from mikveh.

We both had a difficult time with harchakot this past cycle. I was doing ok (some extreme physical pain made me really not want to be touched) but well, as the days wore on (5,6, shabbos) it was quite difficult.

Not to mention that the mikveh opened really late motzei shabbos. And I was a bit worried. Would they remember me? Would I have the same receptionist? Attendant? Would I remember to do everything? As it was late I convinced my husband to drive me to the mikveh.. there's a small patch I'm not to comfortable walking alone. He agreed and asked me how long it would take. I told him that all I had to do was shower and dip, I had already bathed as soon as shabbos finished. He agreed and brought along a nice thick book. We parked around the corner and down the block... I went in. I paid cash this time. I knew exactly what I needed, "a shower only please". I walked with a bit more confidence. I fit in how I felt, unlike last time (the "first" time). This time I was eager to reunite with my husband. This time I understood the look in others eyes. The anticipation, the unspoken stress. "Room 9" I was told... I went. Locked both doors successfully. Showered. Checked my feet. EEP! dry skin flaking everywhere. I fixed it the best I could (see extreme physical pain above. b"H I'm ok, it's just uncomfortable to bend). i called the attendant and hoped for the best. a very nice woman came. I apologized ahead of time for the flailing skin all over my feet. I could barely bend my leg for her to check it. She was very nice and gentle to me. She helped me to snip all the extra bits. We then went directly to the mikveh. She let me wear my glasses down so I wasn't too scared of the steps. Dunk. "kosher". Made the brachah successfully on my own. Omein. Dunk. "kosher". Ye'hi Ratzon. With help. Silly me forgot my glasses were right there on the step next to me. Oh well. Dunk. "kosher". With modesty I went back up the steps (she had the robe in front of her). A gentle warm touch. "How often have you been here?" she gently asked. "Twice". She smiled and wished me a gut voch and a pleasant evening. I left. Walking to the car I realized I forgot to leave a tip. Oops. Next time. We've decided we'll play this game for a year.

I got into the car and leant to kiss my husband and he responded by starting the car and getting out of the parking spot. No one would have seen us. I had been looking forward to that kiss for two weeks.

I hid my disappointment and we went home, stopping at the store for the next morning's breakfast. (not what *I* had been planning on, but whatever). Then we went home and he got ready for sleep.

I tried to snuggle with him but he sort of "threw off" my advances.

This happened more or less for the next two weeks. We advanced to hand holding, a wee bit of snuggling, and a bit of sex. Today I am niddah again. We were anticipating it but ...

But we still haven't fully resolved this er... not really his lack of his interest.. I think it's more an imbalance in timing? I think it also has to deal with some other areas of our lives (i.e. how I display my married status), but, well, his behavior surprised me.

In any case, I'm eagerly counting down to mikveh night again. It should be another motzei shabbos if my body continues to act on medicated clockwork.

We'll see what this cycle brings.

Does anyone have any ideas how to help my husband during the last of the "white days"? He's quite grumbly by about day 3 and has been grumbling about t"h (and some other things) anyway.. I don't want this to turn into a situation I'm not comfortable with. Each month we attempt to grow more. I think I've already "given up" on harchakot for this month but think that might have been a bad idea... We were doing well for a while and suddenly I don't know what's going wrong (spring fever?). I don't know how to approach my rabbi about this.. my husband isn't big on rabbis as is...

"Oh it was you" sighed the exacerbated voice on the other end of the line. "Yes", I replied. Ok, to be fair let me back up a bit, like four or five days..

I had been neglecting to call the mikveh. Well, not exactly neglecting. I just didn't know what time to call... working hours? my working hours or working hours for a mikveh. Well, finally a few days before I decided to call during regular business hours. After navigating my way through a long phone tree I discovered kallahs were supposed to call 10 days in advance. I still wasn't quite sure when I was supposed to call, so I called back and tried a different navigation route.. aah, business hours were when the mikveh was open, until 10. That night I called. A very exacerbated voice responded and said she was very busy (I could hear receipts printing in the background), I said of course and hung up. Half an hour later I called back and explained who I was (a kallah) and that I'd like to use the mikveh. Her voice turned completely sing-songy and she was very kind and told me to be there at a certain time, with the mikveh opening 25 minutes before that. And she named a price.

Great! I took off early from work as prelude (none of my colleagues could understand why I came in at all) and started getting ready. I tried to get a pedicure with just buffing and the woman threw me out of the nail salon after I said I would pay $20 for it. I still don't understand what went wrong, but there was a miscommunication of some kind. All I was asking really was "just don't put on nail polish please".. I really just want for you to cut my toenails. I don't bend well enough to get them (tight hamstrings).

So, I saved a bunch of money and had a super long bath instead. I cut my own toes and pumiced. I checked the rest of my body and spent a very long time flossing. I really hate the flossing part. My teeth are quite bad and it's very difficult to floss. But I did it.

So, I walked to the mikveh arriving 10 minutes after it was to open. There was a young girl their (with shaitel) looking very nervous and standing there taking off nail polish. She said, no it wasn't open yet. So we wait outside (it was warm, but not that warm). An older woman comes in and starts complaining that it's not open yet. "When <so and so> was working, it was fine, I understood, but now she's not"... and she went on and on... another woman came in (I have no idea her role) and she started in. Then more and more mikveh users started waiting. Finally 5 minutes AFTER my "appointment" the woman with the key shows up. B"H! We all say. I was worried something had happened.

So, we all file in and go to the receptionist desk. There are about 10 women there as we troop there and another 5 showed up in the next 30 seconds. She was grouchy. They took checks (by auto-deducting from your account) or cash or credit. Oh, I missed saying -- the lobby was nicer than any hotel I've been in. I've not been in lots of very nice hotels, but I have walked through lobbies. It was gorgeous beyond my imagination... especially after the mikveh I converted in...

I look around. Lots of women looked eager and frustrated at the same time. A woman about 12 behind me said, "What? There's a line already?" I look up to see when last showers and baths are. And when the mikveh closes. Next to it is a big sign: Nails should be cut short. If you have a problem with this please speak to the attendant. I file that piece of information away and start looking at my really short nails.

I snap back to reality, it's my turn to pay. She (the poor woman who was over 30 minutes late and was the only one with a key to open it) hurriedly asks me what I need and I blurt out bath, followed seconds later ... I meant shower! Oh, and a pack of cloths.. Please? What kind? She asks. Oy! That I have choices? I just grab whatever and show it to her. She rings me up and it's significantly less than the number I had been quoted on the phone.. The line gets larger (I think it's growing exponentially) so I just give up and give her a check. And then it had problems going through the machine, so as I look to see how much cash I have or if I remembered to bring a credit card (though I'd prefer an electronic payment so I can track it) it goes through.

She hands me my receipt, "Room 42" she says (number changed, but there is a 42 there).

I go through the door and look for my room. Here comes the fun part.

WOW. It's a bit bigger than my apartment's bathroom (which is 7'x7'). It's beautifully tiled. There's a bathtub and toilet and anything i could desire on the immaculate sink. I just stood a few minutes taking it all in.

Then came a voice, "42, 42?" Yes... "Please lock your door" Which one? "Both". Is that better? "Yes".

WOW. It has an intercom system and buttons and lights!

<flashback to conversion mikveh. The room I was in looked like a public toilet stall. it was dirty, I don't even think it had a place to sit. The head for shaitels was on a shelf above my head. There was a full length mirror, I need to give it that>

Ok. So, I figured I paid for a bath, I should at least soak my feet a bit. So I do... and then I shower. Brush teeth again. Check nails. Pee. Check nails again. Get out scissors and start snipping. Not obsessively (I'm proud of myself) but things that were definitely hanging off. I look at the clock. I'm bored. So I ring for an attendant. Wait, immediately cancel that. Pee again. Ring and wait.

She comes in and points to the clock and says that I have over 15 minutes to wait.

"I'm a kallah" I start to explain.

She ponders this a second, probably not sure to believe me or not. "Why don't you have the kallah suite?" I said I called only a few days before not the 10 they asked for because I didn't know. I said I was told to come at a certain time and I was here and the rush, this was the room I was given. It's gorgeous!

I wanted to tell her about where I've been before. B"H all women should have such choice and freedom to use mikveh.

"B'seder" she decides. She is wearing a white doctor's coat (I discover later because of the pockets).

She moves some of my clothing off of a bench and points to the toilet. "Sit".

Ok. She starts by asking my who my kallah teacher was. When I did my h"t, if I did my bedikot, if I brushed my teeth, had lice, etc etc. She was a bit annoyed h"t was a day and a week before I was at mikveh, but as a kallah "I could choose when most convenient". Actually, without a calendar I couldn't tell you what day I did it. I couldn't even tell you what day of the week it was that night. I had guessed. I really had actually done the h"t the week exactly before my mikveh visit.

Whew. I passed. She lays a towel on her lap and takes my hand. She starts looking at my nails. "Your kallah teacher taught you well. You did very good preparations". I smiled. She had such a calming mame air about her. I wanted to take her home with me and have her bake me chocolate chip cookies. Ok, back to my nails. She trimmed a bit of skin on my dominant hand. She had seen my scissors out. I told her I tried but I just couldn't do any better. She said it was beautiful. She says so many people come in very dirty and nails in such disarray, I was a pleasure.

Then she got to my feet. Apparently my big toe nails needed some filing because the nail bed was a bit rough. Oops! But she fixed it and said they looked really nice.

She left to make sure everything was ready and because we needed to kill some more time until skia. What's 5 minutes?

Well, I was bored as anything. I paced the room, I started obsessing over my ears and belly button which have been cleaning twice daily for 3 days so I wouldn't forget. I peed again. I waited. She finally knocked.

And started leading me to the mikveh.

The mikveh was beautiful as well. Clean water. She explained what I needed to do, and pointed to how the brachah and yehi ratzon were posted on the wall. I said that was nice, but without my glasses I could barely see the steps. She suggested I put them in the pocket of my robe and held out her hands to take it and shut her eyes.

<flashback to conversion: before the beis din asked me my final questions in acceptance of mitzvot and judaism I was wearing the robe in the water. Standing there also (where they could actually see ALL of me given how that mikveh was set up) was a girl who converted a few minutes before (we were questioned together), her future mother-in-law, and a rebbetzin. The beis din, for tznius purposes was behind a wall and could only see my head. They needed the rebbetzin to assure them that my tevilot were kosher. I'm still not sure why the girl and her fMIL were there, but I was concentrating on something MUCH more important, I really didn't think to ask them to leave. Though it did bother me that they could see ME. Naked me. When the other girl toiveled, I stayed in my little bathroom. I listened, I heard splashing, but for all I knew she did not convert and they just made it sound like it. What she did was between her and Hashem. Who was I to watch? Anyway, I digress>

She directed me to where I needed to go. I moved a bit away from the wall. I did a practice one. Beautiful. Then came the real one.

"Kosher."

She handed me a washcloth and helped me through the brachah.

She said she had turned around and I should throw the washcloth back at her. I missed and it sunk into the depths of the mikveh.

She asked me to go again.

"Too fast".

"Kosher".

I had to swim to find the washcloth before I stumbled through yehi ratzon. Which, I don't know as well without a siddur or the words in front of me. I was effectively blind to whatever was posted on the wall. I think I'm going to write out and laminate everything so I can have it in front of me (it should float) and then I'll pronounce things much better. This time I got smart and put the washcloth somewhere I could reach it.

Number three: "Kosher"

She asked me to daven for 2 people to get married soon. I added some silent prayers of my own.

She asked me to wait before I started up the stairs. "Ready".

I realized why as I looked up. She was holding the robe over her eyes so she couldn't see me. How tzniusdik!!!

<flashback to conversion: the rebbetzin had watched me walk out of the mikveh in all my dripping naked newly jewish glory. then she handed me a towel and reminded me to wash. That bothered me. BTW she (conversion mikveh attendant) appeared very frum, I know the beis din, they are. Perhaps she was looking for chatzitzot that she hadn't so carefully checked before? I don't know. But I felt very uncomfortable.>

I drip into the robe and rush to put on my glasses. She wishes me a very hearty "Mazel Tov" and hopes to see me again soon. And I thank her very much for her kindness.

I get dressed. Walk through the drying rooms (I rarely to never blow dry my hair, plus I'm wearing a hat which incidentally covers all of my hair.). I exit.

I get outside and call my chosson. He sounds happy. He was very happy that I was surprised at how gorgeous the mikveh was. He is very happy to hear me happy and knows now that I won't be so stressed. I had been trying to stay away from pens all week. I look at them and they explode on me.

I walk a bit more and realize there was a message on my cell phone. It's from the mikveh at a half hour after my sheduled appointment time. She said "it's the mikveh, has anything changed? please call". And at that point I realized they had made an appointment for me. I thought she had said it opened at a certain time and she suggested i come 25 minutes later so that it wasn't the opening rush nor would I be really late and deal with those stressed.

So I continue walking and dial the number. Someone had chosen that line and was trying to dial out. I hung up.

After another block I call again. the exacerbated voice answered. I get what was written in my intro and she was really frustrated. I explained that there was a rush of many women and they were all frustrated and she was flustered and I was flustered and unsure what was going on so I just paid and took "any room"

Any room? that was a spa I wanted to shout at her. I explained that I didn't realize they were making a kallah room just for me. I misunderstood the setup when I had called. I told her how beautiful and clean my "any room" was. She was annoyed, and justifiably so, but just wished me mazel tov and hung up.

I felt really badly about it and sent a short note and a small donation. They did take the time to set up a kallah room for me. I'm very sad that I couldn't enjoy it. If any old room was that luxurious, I cannot imagine what the kallah suite looked like. May our daughter(s) have the luxury.

I feel badly for her. She must have a very difficult position sitting at that desk after a long day of doing who knows what. I tried to be as kind and pleasant to her as I could. I was very nice to the attendant who helped me check for chatzitzot and was shomer to my tevilah. But everyone talks about being kind to the mikveh attendant. [begin soapbox] Please, be nice to the women at the front desk, cleaning the rooms, etc. It can't be an easy job. Just smile at them, please and thank you. Yes, I know you are stressed and eager to be with your husbands again. You may have had to er, "go to the grocery store" in order to go to mikveh. Kvetching (bikering) about someone being late to open the mikveh does not help anything. Try smiling at it. Hashem has the plan. Let's live it. And may the temple be speedily rebuilt in our days. [/end soap box]

Bli neder, I will try to post about the rest of my adventures soon. I have other more important things to do now...

"Yes dear?" ... he says I've been on the computer too long (yes it is a long post). "One more minute?" Toda. Ok, really fast: Thank you and yasher koach to Shanna and everyone who is a regular contributor or a guest and everyone who commented and will comment. You make this time much easier for me and my bashert (soulmate). It's a wonderful community and I'm very thankful to be a part of it. "I'll be right there..."

So I've started to review my checklist and notes to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible.

I've been waiting for this for many years. These next days will probably feel like they are dragging on forever.. I just hope I don't forget anything.

Hashem, I am here...

So, I've been sick on and off for a while (I have fibromyalgia but that's a whole other issue), and this current bout of sickness causes me to cough almost uncontrollably for 20-30 minutes at a stretch. Say I've finally fallen asleep on the couch for a short nap after working two jobs, kallah class, and attempting to finalize this wedding. After about 10 minutes of sleep let's say I start coughing uncontrollably for at least 10 minutes. Now, let's imagine df (ignoring negiah issues) comes over and puts a warm hand on my (clothed, about 4 layers, it's winter still in NYC) back and gently rubs in an attempt to stop the coughing. It works quickly and well enough for me to down some cough syrup and fall back to a somewhat restful short nap before I head home.

Oh, minor detail, I'm niddah at this time.

How bad is that? I'm most obviously not the sexiest thing on the planet as I'm spluttering and coughing and oozing from every direction possible. It wasn't a life or death situation (actually excessive coughing does amazing things for the abs)... Neither of us thought about it. It wasn't until a day or so later later that I said "hmm.. I niddah, we probably shouldn't have done that". To which he agreed and we said oh well and we moved on.

Later we spoke more about it and both agreed that this was the best course of action for that point in time. It could've been a kitten curled up on my back for all I cared.. I just wanted my body to calm down enough to try to stop the coughing. That it was his hand, yes, I would be absurd to say it didn't mean anything, but at that point in time, quite honestly it didn't. In the future will we follow this same course of action? I can't say as I really don't know.

But I feel still a bit weird about it. I can't really say why or in which direction I feel weird.

Rabban Gamliel would say: Accept upon yourself a teacher; and remove yourself from uncertainty; and do not give an excess when tithing by estimating [instead of measuring]. -- Pirkei Avos 1:16

Ok, I can probably rattle that off in Hebrew better and the English doesn't do it justice, but tonight it finally sunk in. Why am I emphasising I can say the Hebrew? (Am I showing off?) No, I didn't fully understand the meaning of it.

So, what am I saying?

I have read many books, seforim on T"H. I thought I knew what colours were bad, what colours were ok, how and when to do a Hefsek Tahara, dealing with stains, etc. Overall I thought I knew a lot, maybe not all, I'm not that conceited, but really, I did pass a Beis Din [rabbinic court] examination for my conversion, right? So what else did I need to be taught? Why was I spending over 2 hours each week stuck in a classroom late at night in a very inconvient location? I didn't need to learn anything else.

I am wrong.

Tonight, it sunk in for the first time that I'm probably doing my Hefsek Tahara a whole day later than needed only because I'm soo concerned about the colour! Colours that are bad: Black and red. Colours to not worry about: white, and all it's shades. Colours to ask a shailah: All others, including browns, pinks, oranges, and yes (according to the Talmud) green and blue. (eew!)

Anyway, tonight I really learned my lesson that it is important to have a Rov (or Rebbetzin at the very least) and of course a friend.. i.e. (in my interpretation) you shouldn't be scared to ask that shailah [question] or go to the class. And by learning properly the halachos you don't estimate and figure in either direction (strict or lenient), because just as one should give tzeddekah [charity] of at least a certain amount (discussion as to what that amount is should be posted elsewhere) one should also not give in excess so as not to need tzeddekah themselves. (Though I must say that one who receives tzeddekah should give tzeddekah themselves, again not a discussion for here, but I do need to get it out).

I'm not saying this for everyone, but this is how I feel it now.

as per my kallah teacher i dutifully "ignored" the spotting and waited for the main event. it hit with a vengance about 10 p monday night. ok, so now i'm niddah (since i'm not married and its been 11 months since my mikveh visit i've been niddah for a while, but now i'm really niddah). dutifully i marked it in my calendarS (more on that later, bli neder) and i sent df (dear fiance, let's name him, Yitzi) and email "i'm a girl" .. i got a reply "i know" ..

at first i was upset it happened at night before bed (generally it starts about 3 am), but then remembered (and confimed with my calendars) that my period generally lasts at least 6 full days .. so why be frustrated ?

anyway, yitzi and i made a commitment to try to do better with harchakot .. it will be tough (we have difficulty with negiah as is, and now i have to worry about passing? OY). but i know we'll survive.

my kallah teacher suggested making a game of it -- bonus points for creative passing, prizes, etc. i think this might help..

so far we've done ok -- i know he's working harder than me because he told me. so that is making me really think about "that which is normally covered is forbidden" .. its tough that even talking on the phone (we live a half mile away from each other) arouses excitment in both of us! when i have cramps, all i want to do is snuggle .. (see my post "longer intro" re couches and why this is most likely the best solution for us!)

the score thus far? well, we both get bonus points for not having our nightly "good night peck" when he walked me home from class teh other night .. but i will be docked for directly handing him his umbrella this morning on our commute to work. now, what could be prizes for both the winner and looser? (winner (me) allowed to buy new book, (him) i let him alone .. looser (him) must help me with hebrew and other learning, (me) doesn't pester him about davening [praying] for rest of month .. ) ? Hmm..

it is going to be a long two weeks. i just wonder/hope i can alleviate this frustration by finally setting a date and planning this wedding. i wonder if i can actually set a date for 2.5 weeks in the future.. ooh! my mom will be mad but this whole wedding thing isn't interesting me. marriage yes, but well, does anyone know how to halachically [under jewish law] elope???!!!

so many more thoughts to write.. bli neder [without a vow], soon.

There's so much to do, but I don't see how it will be more different or difficult for me to learn than keeping kosher, shabbos, learning Hebrew .. but it will. Even though by and large this is for me it's not -just- me... I need to include my chosson [husband].. and that's where the difficulty begins.

He's not yet fully shomer mitzvot and except for being completely shomer negiah I am. He did have a modern orthodox yeshivah education, then an ivy league university (where we met)... he grumbled over my instituting more kashrut in his life, but he's now doing it on his own .. he grumbles still over being shomer shabbos (it's about 3 years now), so I haven't pushed him too hard to be home on time .. if he gets really restless over shabbos afternoon (I won't mention shul attendance) .. I don't complain too loudly if he turns on his computer as he promised me he wouldn't do any online shopping or sign onto work. It's progress and it doesn't completely affect me if he isn't shomer shabbat (yet).

HOWEVER T"H is proving to be a very difficult concept for him as he knows very little about the subject and it's existence and he's having a rough time. B"H [baruch hashem, thank g-d] our classes are taught by really wonderful couple.. and I see it helping him. I've spoken to him about this since I first learned of it many years (ok, 3.5) ago. But he likes his double bed and has said that he didn't see a problem with us sharing it. Last class they went over (among many other things) beds .. i still haven't had a good chance to talk with him about that class becuase I'm curious how it's explained to the men. Hopefully it's sinking in. I have this horrid feeling at the moment that I'll be the one spending 2 weeks on the couch ...

I am lucky .. he does know that it's important to me, 5 things are: shabbos, kashrut, negiah, tznius, and tzeddekah. So he said he's willing to give it a go (at the moment only if he can keep his mattress)

Next posts (soon, bli neder [without a vow]) I'll talk about my thoughts on my kallah class and how I feel about group/individual ... and my complete confusion as to why many don't know anything about this until they take their kallah class!